Emotionally disturbed 5 yo?

amother

Wed, Jun 13 2012, 11:19 pm

OP here:

Well his psychologist decided that what DS needed was MORE structure and limits, which meant NEVER EVER letting him get away with ANYTHING at home or in school. Easier said then done, especially with 4 other kids running around... But we spoke to his teachers and his babysitter, and dh and for once were on the same page and did it.

We punished him whenever he hit his brother. We took toys away whenever he called one of us a name. We made it clear those behaviors were not acceptable. It got worse before it got better. I think his principal may have considered kicking him out. And then one day, out of the blue, he's manageable. Obedient. In control. And guess what? he knows it. And he's proud of his accomplishments.

It's not like his impulsivity has disappeared. It's still not perfect. I can see him struggling with it every day. His teachers no longer sigh at me at the end of the day and say "Today was not a good day. A lot of children were hurt." Instead, they look thoughtful and say "you know, it was much better! we will keep working on it, but we definitely see a change"

But at least he's struggling and is able to control it in the end. At least, he doesn't run up to the baby and bite his chunky yummy toes anymore. Instead, he runs up to the baby, opens his mouth and right as he's baring his teeth and is ready to go in for a bite, I see him taking a deep breath, blowing out air, and walking away calmly. This is HUGE.

I know this behavior is temporary. I know this is not permanent. He goes through good phases and bad ones. I just hope that now I know how to set him back on track...

My point is that although the bad behavior seems to be kept at bay (for now) I still don't know WHY he has those behaviors. His psychologist confided that ds seems like he has a lot of anxiety. But he also told me that doesn't mean he has clinical Anxiety. just the traits of it. I think that' s his way of unofficially diagnosing him. Still, he refuses to put that label on him. At least not for a few years since he believes DS will grow out of his behaviors.

We'll see...

bamamama

Thu, Jun 14 2012, 12:09 am

granolamom wrote:

amother wrote:

chani8 wrote:

You sound afraid about dafka mental illness.

Well if it's not sensory, autism, learning disability, or speech, then maybe it's something deeper like mental? (that was just where the train of tought took me... I don't have the faintest clue what other possibilities are out there...)

As for it running in the family, I know Anxiety runs in Dh's family. BIL has it pretty bad (undiagnosed, but you can see it a mile away) and my 6 yo nephew has it so bad, he had to be medicated and is doing MUCH better on it. However, DS's symptoms are TOTALLY different from theirs...

TwinsMommy wrote:

how can a 5 year old be too young to be tested/medicated for adhd?

Where I live, there is not ONE doctor who will diagnose a 5yo with ADHD. Let alone prescribe medication for it. Everyone always says he needs to be in first grade and be having trouble for there to be even a reason for evaluation.

OK, I'm going to say this with love because I've been there and I know no one ever wants to hear this, but not every emotional issue is mental illness. not everything can be blamed on a 'diagnosis' or 'disorder' and not everything can be 'fixed' with therapy and medicine.
sometimes a child's chronic misbehavior is their way of communicating to us that they have unmet needs. now I am not saying you arent a good mother, you definitely sound like a loving and on top of things mom. but we all miss things sometimes (I do often).
I would set aside two weeks of real careful observation. watch what he's doing and note the circumstance, without trying to intervene. just collect your data. notice how others respond to his behavior (including you and your dh). then try to analyze all of this. how does the misbehavior benefit him? what is he getting from it? what do you think he's trying to get? is he getting enough time, attention and power in appropriate ways? are there too many expectations of him? has he been placed in a role and maybe there is some self fullfilling prophecy going on? what is going on in school with the other kids? how do they view him? how do they expect him to behave? is he struggling with a masked difficulty (hearing, eyesight,etc)? generally speaking, 5 yo's know that aggressive behavior is wrong. they need either the tools or motivation to stop. but if there is an unmet need, neither tools nor motivation will help.

I know how frustrating it is to know that something is wrong but to have no idea what it is. I've been down a very long road and have learned a couple of things along the way. the number one thing is this: you are wise beyond your belief. Hashem sends you what you need to know (sometimes via therapists, but if no therapists have answers then know that Hashem will send you what you need to know some other way). daven for help then go deep into your heart and focus on strengthening your relationship with your child. you can't go wrong there. and hopefully in the interim you will stumble upon solutions.

I didn't want this to go unacknowledged because there is a LOT of wisdom here from granolamom.