Hosting /Not Hosting

manyhats

Wed, Dec 26 2012, 1:43 pm

We used to have guests pretty regularly. With the passing of my mother AH, I no longer feel up to it.
And so it's been my husband and me solo. And I like it

Surprisingly, meals last @ 2 hrs. The food is takeout and varies each week. We talk about the parsha and sing zemiros. (Husband has great voice- so this is really nice ) Sometimes we talk personal stuff. About events that happened during the week and how they could have been handled differently. DH will say how good the meal is and I will smile.

So- I've had it both ways . The hostess and non hostess,

Where do you stand? What do personally enjoy more?

busydev

Wed, Dec 26 2012, 1:57 pm

I like a mix. a week or two (or even three) just family, a week with guests.

dh likes not having guests, or only occasionally having people that he really likes, doesnt have to make conversation with (rather have a select few people that conversation just flows without him having to feel like he needs to have topics to talk about)

so we only rarely have guests. Usually try for a couple times at night in the winter and a couple times at day in the summer. he cant really handle more then that Confused

rachel91

Wed, Dec 26 2012, 2:01 pm

As we are a young family we didn't use to have guests very often, we mostly went out to my parents etc, now we have guests nearly every friday night and sometimes shabbes morning, but usually we're going out on shabbes morning. Sometimes we don't have guests, because I need a break Smile

suzyq

Wed, Dec 26 2012, 2:13 pm

We don't have guests for Friday night because we like to take advantage and go to sleep early. We have guests almost every week for Shabbos lunch. Once in a while I take a week off because I need a break, but I usually end up bored. I really enjoy having guests and we have a nice core group of singles who come to us very often, and will come hang out at our house even if they don't eat the meal there.

Fox

Wed, Dec 26 2012, 3:02 pm

When I was younger, we always had lots of guests. However, I've noticed a few changes: first, I don't (ahem!) have as much energy as I had 20 years ago. I used to easily work full time, drive kids around as needed, and still have energy to cook and clean for guests. Guess those days are gone!

Second, my kids are teenagers living at home and many people in need of hospitality are singles. Since in our circles we don't ordinarily have singles of different genders mingling at the Shabbos tisch, this makes it a little more difficult. The people our own age are just as tired as we are, and they prefer staying home, too!

Finally, when we were in our late 20s and 30s, we had plenty in common with the majority of young singles who comprised most of our hosting schedule. We're now in our 50s, and younger singles are, quite rightfully, being hosted by families closer to their own age.

Hachnosis orchim is an incredibly important mitzvah, and I'm always shocked at the number of people who seem to feel no obligation to do at least some nominal hosting. I mean, we raise all this money for kiruv but can't find room at our tables for these folks?! Not to mention the fact that having guests forces kids to behave (including teenage kids).

But like everything else in life, it's all about a cycle. While I no longer welcome the hordes that used to come for Shabbos and Yom Tov, I find I have more time and patience with elderly guests, and I enjoy drop-in visitors after the seuda on these early Friday nights. In the old days, I would have been putting kids to bed, washing dishes for the next crew, and eventually passing out myself.

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 26 2012, 3:23 pm

My DH loves having guests, and also, being that he is a big softie, he feels particularly for older singles - he tells me "there but for the Grace of G-d go I".

We also host my FIL fairly regularly, and my parents every so often.

I'm OK with having guests but more for the mitzvah than the enjoyment (especially non-family). I work full time and am not always up to it; I also cherish those times when it's just us for Shabbos, with my DD's joining in the singing, and participating in discussions to a much greater extent. Some of our guests demand alot of DH's attention, and it's harder for myself and the girls then.

So DH and I have come up with a "schedule" of sorts - nothing rigid, just some basic guidelines as to how often we will host in a given time period, including family and older singles...and taking breaks when we've had lots of guests. So for example, hosted my parents for Shabbos before Chanuka, and FIL for Shabbos Chanuka, and now I'm taking a break for a bit and then DH wants to invite some of our "regulars"....

We try to make it work for us, and do our best.

I really admire the people who are "open house"; it just doesn't work for me.

etky

Wed, Dec 26 2012, 4:34 pm

We're at a stage in life now when we're not entertaining nearly as much as we used to on Shabbat.
We both work long hours and I find that I don't have the energy to invest in what I consider a 'guest-worthy' meal that often. It's hard enough making a regular low key Shabbat for family. Also, our kids (all adolescents now) really like it when it's just us around the table. It's a totally different dynamic when it's just family, now that the kids are older.
That said, when we do host, we all enjoy it very much. It's just a lot rarer these days.
Also I find that we're doing a lot more 'chessed' hosting than entertaining friends - singles, older people (including my father who comes for Shabbat quite often), olim, seminary kids, chayalim bodedim, people going through a hard time, etc.
I do miss the more intensive entertaining with friends and their families that we used to do. It's just that my priorities and life style have changed.

rachel91

Wed, Dec 26 2012, 6:06 pm

Inspired wrote:

rachel91 wrote:

As we are a young family we didn't use to have guests very often,

Only in certain cultures is that relevant, FYI. Plenty of young families have guests.

I know, but wasn't I writing about MY family??? btw we are still a young family and have guests often, so I really don't get what you want from me Rolling Eyes

etky

Thu, Dec 27 2012, 12:31 am

amother wrote:

DH has a knack for bringing unexpected guests after the shul especially when I slacked and prepared only very basic meals or not enough foods to serve guests generously. Exploding anger

My sympathies - that would make me crazy! I get stressed enough as it is when I've actually planned and prepared a proper meal with guests in mind. I'm a control freak and I would be so upset not to have forewarning of guests' arrival. If that's what your DH does sometimes then maybe have some stuff ready in the freezer that you can pull out at the last minute like shnitzels, extra cake, kugel cut up already so that it defrosts quickly - even a rice dish frozen flat in a zip-lock bag, just for your own peace of mind. Also, it might be a good idea, if you don't already do this, to keep staples in your pantry (beans, corn, mandarin oranges, roast peppers etc.) and fridge (bags of salad and cut up veggies, salad dressing, pesto etc.) that you can quickly work with to turn into last minute salads if need be. I always keep a container of prepared cous-cous and one of plain boiled pasta in the fridge too (for my kids generally to eat whenever) and these can be quickly turned into a salad or side dish.Of course this means extra last minute work for you but what can you do.

eschaya

Thu, Dec 27 2012, 1:17 am

We have guests fairly often; we had our first guests when we were married 3 weeks and we've kept it up. Dd one time cried when we told her Shabbos morning that it was just us for the meal. Recently though (since birth of DS 4 mo. ago) we've been having just family meals more often, especially Friday night. Also, when I work overnight Thursday night I try not to have guests both meals.
I absolutely love having guests, but it's exhausting and I can't always do it. But which do I prefer? With guests of course.

Chayalle

Thu, Dec 27 2012, 9:22 am

amother wrote:

DH has a knack for bringing unexpected guests after the shul especially when I slacked and prepared only very basic meals or not enough foods to serve guests generously. Exploding anger

Aaah....the early days of my marriage, before we worked things out.... Exploding anger

You have my sympathies.

This type of thing is fine if both the DH and wife are on the same page, and the DW always cooks extra anyway.....

I tried and realized that it wasn't about the food for me - because I wasn't happy about it even if I had cooked alot (though it was worse the time I had made 3 pieces of chicken and DH showed up with 2 guys...) I just have a private side to me and don't so much like the surprises.

Once DH realized this, he respected it and we worked things out. I really recommend that you discuss this with your DH, and Rav if necessary. As mine explained to DH - no one should feel uncomfortable or unhappy at the Shabbos table, least of all your wife.