Shadchan Fee | Imamother

pesek zman

Fri, May 03 2013, 9:17 am

costanza wrote:

I would think that if this is all L'Shem Shomayim then there wouldn't be standard fees.

Sorry, like many other elements of frum society today, this has become a racket. How do you explain comments along the lines of "If I don't pay the shaddchan the marriage will get off on the wrong foot"?

If someone is a professional matchmaker and you go to them for the express purpose of utilizing their time and resources - fine. I can see where a fee is necessary. But I still have not been convinced that casual, friendly shidduch suggestions are something that need to be compensated for monetarily. Shouldn't the person who made the match just be happy that it worked out?

To play devil's advocate, if a marriage ends in divorce, does the shaddchan provide a refund?

I couldn't disagree more. And I think the fee/gift/etc is not about the recipient (shadchan or less formal intermediary) but rather about the giver (the new couple) It's a gift they give together, to acknowledge and appreciate the role that the person had in their coming together. In my opinion, if someone doesn't acknowledge (in whatever sincere way) the shadchan with some sort of gift, it's ungrateful (kafui tov). The shadchan doesn't need it, but the couple does.

Cookies n Cream

Fri, May 03 2013, 10:00 am

[quote="costanza"]

Cookies n Cream wrote:

There is an inyan to pay the Shadchan something, even if it's a very small amount.

quote]

This is the crux of the issue to me. What exactly does it mean to be an inyan? Does that mean it is a halacha? Or does it mean it has just become "industry standard"?

I guess I also have little understanding of the need for a shaddchan to continue to be a go-between after the initial exchange of names and numbers has taken place. In my circles, once they meet, they can speak to each other for themselves.

It means that it's brought down in Sefarim, and that it's not an idea that popped up in this generation.

oliveoil

Fri, May 03 2013, 10:32 am

Constanza, I hear what you're saying but in circles where the shadchan (professional or not) does stay involved for a while into the process, it takes a tremendous amount of time!

I know people who pay the shadchan just for getting a date set up, since even just that can be hours and hours of phone calls.

costanza

Fri, May 03 2013, 1:38 pm

amother wrote:

Anyone read the shidduch forum in this week's Yated? The question was if girls should pay the shaddchan a fee up front for meeting them and "keeping them in mind." ALL of the panelists said yes! :shock:

Insanity.

oliveoil

Fri, May 03 2013, 3:35 pm

amother wrote:

I don't think that's crazy. Obviously if you see the shadchan isn't doing anything, you don't pay them. But $100 to motivate them to start, and then another $100 or so for getting a date, is not crazy. Many girls only get 3 or 4 dates a year. For each of those dates, the shadchan probably made dozens of calls which didn't work out for whatever reason. So before "Rivky" gets to date 1, the shadchan has tried with 4 other guys, easily 5 hours of phone calls, if not more.