Please help me speak to my dd abt periods and body changes

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amother

Cerulean

Tue, Aug 04 2015, 3:00 am

This conversation is so overdue but I am at a loss on what to say to my dd. my mother never spoke to me about such things but I want to have a comfortable and open relationship with her but I just don't know how.

If anyone can help me with advice I would really appreciate it.

Thanks so much.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Aug 04 2015, 3:47 am

No advice, just funny reminder of what my mom did. I was out by a friend and when I came home, as I was going to bed, I was like BTW I got my period..(so typical of me) and she was like all protective... do you know what to do, where the pads/tampons are.... it was cute. All I wanted was for her to leave me alone. We still talk about it today.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 11:55 am

That's exactly what I don't want to happen my daughter getting it before I speak to her.

There is no one on imamother with older girls that can advise me what they did with their girls?

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 12:12 pm

There is a jewish book you should buy. Wonder of Becoming You.

I got a pretty box with a cover and put inside the book, pads and tampons. I spoke to DD and told her that her body would change, hair will grow in funny places and she will get a period. DD freaks out when she sees blood so I told her that it isnt much and its not like bleeding from a cut. I asked her to read the book a chapter a day and every night I asked her if she has any questions.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 12:30 pm

I want to be he one to speak to her about it I just don't know how I guess I'm not the teacher type of person.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 12:31 pm

DD isn't that age yet but I would do what my mom did for me. She told me probably a year before I actually got my period that im gonna find blood on my panties - I shouldn't get scared, it's normal and should tell her when I see it so she can show me what to do. When I actually did get it, mom explained that this shows Im maturing properly (along with other body changes) and can have kids bezH . She didnt go into crazy detail but answered all my questions. I felt very secure. If I ever had any question about anything, I knew my mom's there to answer me. She always had a way of answering my questions that satisfied me and I didn't go probe for more details behind her back. we BH have a very open relationship.

amother

Olive

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 2:08 pm

What my mother did for me..
she is very private..VERY!
She told me to read wonder of becoming you. Honestly I felt like the topic really should have been discussed.. I didnt really realize this will come to reality. When I did get my period she was "happy" and said im maturing etc and I was like -just leave me alone. I didnt even tell her right away..didnt want to tell her at all.. we didnt have best relationship. I asked my sister for pads. and had a super super heavy period.. LITERALLY soaked through a THICK pad EVERY 2 MINUTES!!I was wearign 3 at a time..
My sister told my mother -I was mad at her. I got it on a friday, went away for shabbos..and motzei shabbos my mother asked if I had enough pads and I told her no. she asked me how it could be that my sister gave me so many and it not enough and she was so not understanding.. she just said-you dont need to use so many..
Then I never understood the 1x per month thing. One day my mother asked me if I need more pads. I told her I did. She asked when I got my period and how come she wasnt told. I told her I didnt. Then she told me I shouldnt need more if I didnt get it..
Well, NOBODY ever explained to me that periods come 1x per month and should be every 2 weeks..
I told her I wear one every day incase I get my period-how should I know when that is?!
All she said is stop wasting pads...
One day she told me randomly that it normal not to get period every month for a year or two.

Well anyways I never learnt what is and is not normal...I NEVER HAD IT NORMAL!

A few years later I asked her to make me a Dr. appt to get checked out because my periods barely ever came...I knew it was a problem because of what SHE SAID TO ME a few years earlier..I had my period fr 4-5 years then. She told me not to worry and sometimes it takes time.. I lost alot more respect for her back then becuase of this lie.

FF a few years.. I am married. Do not have Children. Family history on HER side ONLY with Infertility. 1 sibling took over 2.5 decades to have childred. Other sibling never had. I have severe PCOS....had to figure it out myself and when I ask about family medical history etc and many other related things she lies to me.. I dont trust her and barely ever speak to her now.. maybe maybe 1-2x a year..Thats it!

Bottom line- If you mention to your daughter what is normal to expect and what is not this will help her to understand! (how heavy bleeding should be, how often to need to change pad, how many days period should last, how to count to see what day to expect, to always have a pad or two in her backpack just incase, and if you tell her 2 years is normal not to be regular-KEEP TO YOUR WORD and have it checked out if its not!)

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 2:25 pm

amother wrote:

What my mother did for me..

FF a few years.. I am married. Do not have Children. Family history on HER side ONLY with Infertility. 1 sibling took over 2.5 decades to have childred. Other sibling never had. I have severe PCOS....had to figure it out myself and when I ask about family medical history etc and many other related things she lies to me.. I dont trust her and barely ever speak to her now.. maybe maybe 1-2x a year..Thats it!

I am so sorry you went through this. I am just curious, did you go to a doctor for well visits as a teen? Did the doctor ask you about your period? My doctor never questioned me.

I actually had to have emergency surgery on my ovaries when I was young. The obgyn who did the surgery, spoke to my mother behind closed doors when I went to for a follow up. I almost refused to sign the paperwork in the hospital giving permission for the surgery since I wasnt exactly sure what was happening. (I was a minor and they didnt need my signature, they just preferred it) They did their best to explain, but since I never heard the word "ovary" before, I was confused.

Bh my DD's pediatrician brings it up regularly at well visits and gives DD the opportunity to ask questions.

fbc

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 2:32 pm

I liked the way it worked out for me. Our school had a frum nurse come every year to speak to the 5th and 6th grade classes about our maturing, body changes, periods. I think all schools should do this, it's great for the girls, especially for those who don't have good relationships with their mothers. BH I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, and once the nurse spoke to us, my mother presented me with the book "the wonder of becoming you". I read It, discussed it with her, and was so happy that my period came one day before I left for school! My mother showed me exactly what to do, and I was fine. Maybe you could kinda do something like this for your daughter, if you don't feel prepared to teach her yet, have her doctor speak to her about it, your guys choice if you should be present in the room as well, but I assume it's the better choice, as you'd show your daughter you are at least comfortable with the topic, and just needed some guidance with how to present it. Whatever you choose to do, don't wait too long, you don't want this all to be a surprise to her! Also I think better to practice speaking to her directly because there will be a time IYH when it well be time to tell her about how the next generation is created, so consider this preparatory. My mom did a great job explaining the latter to me, I wasn't weirded out at all. Because I already new my mother was a great person to learn from and talk to.

amother

Olive

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 2:42 pm

amother wrote:

I didnt go to appointments..I was away for high school. I asked her to make appt for me when I came home a few times and she didnt..said there is no need.

Amarante

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 2:56 pm

I had the book and the talk but my first period was STILL a shock to me. I realized that I wasn't dying but I just had a failure of imagination or something and didn't connect the dots that it would happen to me. Looking back what was very strange is that I had a DELUGE of blood with almost no warning - or maybe I didn't realize what was happening. But then in my later teen years, I could certainly tell my period was on the way because I usually got bad cramps for the day before and the first day.

I got it relatively young before any of my friends so I was embarrassed about it and then as a teenager I wasn't embarrassed but dreaded it because of the terrible cramps I would get. I never had ANY awesome wonderful feelings that I was no officially a woman - it just seemed to be something unpleasant that happened to women - between the PMS, and the bad pimples and the cramps. Crying

And then the inevitable accidents.

It really wasn't a failure on my mother's part because she truly did want to give me a good perspective and introduction. It was just that I found it to be physically uncomfortable and no amount of pretty flowers and pastel pictures could change that. LOL

Sanguine

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 3:14 pm

Question - I don't know who's what here but are periods total taboo for Chareidim? I'm MO. Girls discussed it among ourselves. As long as you're not first there's always one girl in camp who got it before the summer. In my day... (sounds so old but things have changed), 7th grade was the average age to get it, but there was one girl in camp after 6th who already had it and could openly discuss. In 7th grade a few of us went to a friend for a sleepover party and there was one girl there who had her period then (the rest of us were pre-period). She let us come to the bathroom with her and see the used pad (Ugh!!). There was always a girl who had an older sister who explained it all to her. When my daughters got it I was ready with pads and all but they seemed to really know more than me embarrassed

. We had mentioned it a few times before so I knew they weren't in the dark. In 7th grade my daughter's school said they were going to discuss it with the girls. They were a year late, most the girl's already had it (I knew who did and didn't - girl talk Wink

).

When DD got it in 6th grade, I e-mailed my own 7th grade best friend (we're still in touch - not best friends anymore). I felt I had to tell someone and she was the obvious choice, I had told her when I got mine. I recalled how jealous I was that she had beat me out by a few months. She told me that her 6th grade DD had gotten hers too LOL

tichellady

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 3:18 pm

Just tell her what to expect and that it's different for different women but give her some idea of what it looks like ( not like blood from a cut), how long it lasts for, how often it comes, cramp pain, etc. tell her to record how often she gets it so she can learn her cycle ( and if she doesn't have a regular cycle she can talk to her doctor about it). Tell her that some women don't mind their periods, others hate it, and everyone needs to figure out how to make it manageable ( medicine, tampons, Etc). Tell her she can ask you questions and that you love her and are excited she is growing into a woman, although you understand it might be a little overwhelming for her.

My own experience- I was extremely upset to learn about periods. I hate being dirty and wet and am very sensitive to smell and found the whole experience to be insufferable. Tampons and Aleve helped and being able to complain to my mom and friends, and now my husband. It's still a part of my life I don't like, but with time I have accepted it.

tigerwife

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 4:49 pm

I like The Wonder of Becoming You. I feel like a girl needs more of a scientific explanation than 'you will see blood in your underwear'. I feel like the understanding of how her body is getting ready for fertility is a more positive cushion for the unpleasentness that may come Smile

. Show her the pads and tampons before and tell her it's ok to take Advil for it, and she might need to carry a mini one around just in case.

gootl

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 4:52 pm

I got mine later-almost 13. except I had issues related to it so having it was scary. I would bleed heavily and have no energy. I talked to my friends about it more than my mother because my biology teacher gave us a summary of what it was, how to deal. I didnt learn about ovaries until 7th grade biology. I taught my sister at 8 the gist of it because she was not comfortable talking to my mother about it. I plan to teach my daughters at 9. because some girls start to develop at 10. that and I feel 9 year olds should have some idea of where babies come from.

tigerwife

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 4:53 pm

Sanguine wrote:

Question - I don't know who's what here but are periods total taboo for Chareidim?

LOL, Sanguine. Chareidim are not a different species! Of course some girls discuss it, and some don't, as I imagine MO girls may or may not.

It isn't the most 'tznius' topic, though. My non-Jewish co-worker was shocked when another woman said something about her period.

amother

Lemon

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 4:59 pm

gootl wrote:

I got mine at 14 and my mom thought it was early. Rolling Eyes

(I am 28 now.)

Sanguine

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 5:10 pm

tigerwife wrote:

Just seemed like no one heard about it from friends.

amother

Papaya

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 5:27 pm

My oldest daughter is approaching the age that her body will soon begin to change, and changes in some of her friends who are a year or so older are becoming slightly apparent. So, I figured it was time to give her some information.

I didn't know how to open the conversation, and didn't want her to feel like we were having a big, serious, "sit down talk", so I took her grocery shopping with me. I bought pads, (even though I didn't really need a new box. I asked her to grab the box for me, and she asked what they are - I told her, oh, they're pads, I'll explain in the car.

When we got to the car, I brought up her question and told her that the pads are for me, that grown women get periods...gave basic, factual explanation. I told her that soon her body would begin to change from a girl's body to a woman's body. That it is a gradual process. At a certain point she will get her period. She had a couple of questions, which I answered (yes, all grown women get periods, it's a very normal thing). She knows to come to me with any questions, and she has (will she get period before breasts start to change, etc).

I think the most important thing was to give the information in a clear, factual way that doesn't make the girl fear the change or feel ashamed. She seemed really ok with it all knowing that this strange new thing is actually a normal thing that all ladies deal with.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Aug 05 2015, 5:29 pm

Sanguine wrote:

Just seemed like no one heard about it from friends.

Dunno - I got mine at 10 before my friends, but my friends and I definitely discussed it.

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