14 yr old told me something shocking. how do I handle this

Miri7

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 2:09 pm

Carmen Luna wrote:

oh im so sorry. I thought everyone has the same color in all threads. and sequoia - aza kucha faya necky

Also, since you seem new here, we generally don't call someone out as a troll in the thread. If you think someone is trolling, then you can click the exclamation point on the upper right hand of the post and report it. If that exclamation point is red, someone else has already reported it.

amother

Black

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 2:15 pm

OP, to me, the most important piece is maintaining the strong relationship with your daughter. It's great that she shared this with you.

Honestly, a number of nice girls I know had "feelings" for other girls at that age, some acted on them, but many did not. I think that with all the hormones raging, and boys so far off, it's easy to confuse those feelings of love and intimacy between friends and your new feelings as a woman. So, not everyone who has those feelings during the teenage years grows up to be lesbian or bi. I don't think that this is a matter of too much internet. Plenty of very sheltered girls have these feelings, whether they admit them to their mothers or not.

Whatever you do, be sure to maintain your relationship as a safe space for her. Let her know that you love and support her no matter what. Do not judge. You can guide, but stay by her side and things will turn out ok. She needs her mother very much during this confusing time.

amother

Orchid

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 2:18 pm

It's funny, my 14 year old diary has a lot of angsty entries that I thought I was a lesbian/bi. I'm married and feel that I am definitely straight maybe slightly bi curious but barely. I'm laughing that people are blaming secular society/the Internet, I was pretty sheltered. For me it's the opposite that being gender segregated lead me to not have an outlet/know that I was attracted to boys. I was with girls non stop and had raging hormones. It seems pretty common here that people who are straight experimented with same relations, it's common in more segregated communities.

I certainly never told my mother, I'm a little surprised she told you.

Carmen Luna

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 2:18 pm

Miri7 wrote:

I appreciate you showing me the ropes, but for lack of better words, what you said is utter rubbish. I've read hundreds of posts, and plenty of times have other amothers called "troll"on the OP or other posters. So again, I appreciate your concern, but I know the rules around here. The "your new around here" is getting old.

notshanarishona

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 3:21 pm

Carmen Luna wrote:

And every time s/o does that s/o will pipe in that in the rules it says not to do that and just report a post.
It is not nice to call troll when many times it is just a legit person going through a hard time.

EnnuiGalore

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 3:38 pm

Iymnok wrote:

My theory is that everyone is somewhere on a spectrum from crazy about me to crazy about women. Just as a man who has a strong ta'ava for women must work harder to be loyal only to his wife and control himself elsewhere. So too a person with desires for the same gender must control themselves not to act on it. For some it's harder than others. We all have nisyonos in life, for some its in the area of s-xuality, others are elsewhere. We have many options of mitzvos that can be hard for us.
Desires are fine, to act on them isn't. To think about every step of acting them out is not so good either. We all need to clarify for ourselves what Hashem wants from us and what we can do to make him happy.

This is ridiculous. Not every gay person can choose to live a straight life. It just is what it is sometimes.

mille

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 7:41 pm

I knew I was attracted to women at 14. Well over a decade later, it's still true. I'm just also attracted to men, and I married a man. I bring this up because I don't think it's necessarily healthy for OP to just internalize that this is absolutely a phase. Maybe it isn't. But thank God that she is attracted to both, then, because that is a hell of a lot less hard than only being attracted to the same se-x in orthodox Judaism. Just be sensitive and let her figure herself out. We all had to figure ourselves out at 14, but some in different ways than others!

Frumdoc

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 7:42 pm

Carmen Luna wrote:

RULE 6 of the imamother rules linked above:

Quote:

6. There is nothing more despised on Imamother than a troll. The description "troll" applies to any man, never married woman, non-religious, or non-Jewish person, who lied on the questionnaire in order to gain illegal access to Imamother. The description troll also applies to any legitimate member who uses a second username to provoke controversy. Any user who posts suspicious looking topics will be assumed to be a troll, deactivated, and subject to a verification process. After passing verification, a legitimate user will be reactivated. If it is not possible to verify legitimacy, the user will be assumed to be a troll until proven innocent. If you suspect a user of being a troll, you should report the suspicious post or the user. In the report describe your suspicions, and the mods will take it from there. Many times someone who looks like a troll is actually legitimate, so in order to avoid hurting a real woman's feelings, it is not permitted to call troll in a thread.

Just because these have been breached in the past does not mean they are not taken seriously.

MagentaYenta

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 8:44 pm

EnnuiGalore wrote:

No, the Internet did not make her gay, folks. It may pass, it may not. S-xuality is on a spectrum, esp. for women. I laughed that "extra shiurim" was offered as a solution. Just love her. Ultimately it's all up to her, so just be there. Hugs, op. A lot of how she turns out depends on how you treat her, gay/straight or bi.

One of the things about being a bisexual female is I can default into a hetero$exual relationship which is accept by my religious community. Lesbian women don't have that option. (Well they do but it's a compromise where one doesn't live a genuine life, your inner self is going to be in conflict with your outer self.)

Had there been marriage equality back in the days when I was younger it would have been rather easy for me to seriously consider a long term SS partner.

Oh yea I was about 14 when I figured out I was bi$exual.

yenny

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 10:08 pm

Carmen Luna wrote:

OP. Do forgive my confusion. If I recall "Aquamarine" is the same amother name from the OP who wrote about being rebbish and her husband wants her to stop shaving. And now the same "Aquamarine" writes that her 14 year daughter TEXTED (If you would be rebbish you would understand that NOT ONE 14 yr old chassidish girl has a cell) and that your Chabad. And I cant remember, but there was another interesting post from Aquamarine. So please forgive me for asking but are you a troll just posting juicy topics to start a thread? It seems so to me.

If everyone kept their color every time it would be called a username. Confused

amother

Taupe

Fri, Oct 02 2015, 2:00 am

MagentaYenta wrote:

Exactly.
The social sanctioning that bi-zxual relationships now enjoy in modern secular society complicates life for those girls who are not so sheltered as the women writing here who 'grew out' of their bi-zxual phase and defaulted into marriage and a conventional frum lifestyle.
Life nowadays is a bit more complicated than even 10 years ago and way more so for any girl who has had any exposure to the values and norms of secular society which usually takes place via the internet.

amother

Chocolate

Fri, Oct 02 2015, 2:13 am

Frumdoc wrote:

Carmen Luna wrote:

sequoia - aza kucha faya necky

Can someone translate please?

Does it mean "You are an esteeemed and inspirational writer and bring a fascinating viewpoint to our unipolar discussions"?

it ought to. in it's literal sense it means "the dog has her tree" so go figure, it could mean anything. it's a mild hungarian insult. it's also spelled azt a kutya fajat neki. I'm guessing it was based on the assumption that the person she tried to insult speaks hungarian. it's possible, considering her posts show her as a brilliant and worldly (/multilingual) person.

mamma2b

Fri, Oct 02 2015, 4:36 pm

I actually think op should first have a casual conversation with her daughter. Like ask her what exactly she feels. Maybe this issue is being blown out of proportion.
Your daughter is obviously exposed to concepts such as gay, bi and lesbian. However in the non-jewish world the way a person confirms that what they think they are feeling is real is when they have physical, emotional contact with boys to know that.
I don't understand how a frum girl who has never slept with a boy, know that she is for sure bi.
When I was young and at sleepaway camp there were girls seen kissing other girls in private-as unbelievable as it sounds. Girls are very hormonal at that stage and try to connect with others in that way. So that doesn't define them as bi or anything like that.

MagentaYenta

Fri, Oct 02 2015, 4:51 pm

mamma2b wrote:

...
I don't understand how a frum girl who has never slept with a boy, know that she is for sure bi...

Bi women are attracted to both men and women equally. As I said earlier, it's easy for frum women to default to hertero$exual marriage.

It means that there is both same and opposite $ex attraction. There isn't a dominant $exual attraction.

sequoia

Fri, Oct 02 2015, 6:00 pm

It's true that the world now is a different place. When I was wondering if I was bi 15 years ago, alternative zexualities were still seen as "the other," and straight was the default setting. This has changed rapidly (and, I believe, for the better).

But -- here comes a truism -- human nature has not changed Smile

Teenage girls have always had passionate attachments for each other, and they always will. *Most of the time* it's a stage of development.

In girls' boarding schools in the Russian Empire younger students all "adored" older students, followed them around, gave them gifts, and had fits of jealousy if someone tried to "steal" the object of their affection.

Well, frum girls today are also in an all-girls environment. Today, however, all except the most sheltered have the vocabulary to discuss zexuality. Again, that's probably a good thing. But what they don't necessarily have is self-awareness.

OP, you could convey to your daughter that girl crushes are normal and that her identity is not set in stone while expressing support for her journey, wherever it takes her.