WWYD? Not sure if my ds should continue therapy

amother

Tan

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 12:34 pm

My son is 12 years old and has been going to the same therapist for almost two years now. In short, we brought him in because he could not seem to get along with any rebbe or teacher despite constant reinforcement- both positive and negative. At home, he is also extremely oppositional but can be such a sweetheart also- he is great with younger kids and can be so sweet at times (I.e. he is the only one of my children who gives me a good night kiss every night!).

Anyway, after about six months where he really seemed to not be making progress, this therapist suggested that we try to see if there are any underlying issues that are standing in his way. After lots of testing, he was diagnosed with ADD, which would not have been the first diagnosis I would have thought for him, but since he started medication a year and a half ago, the change has been amazing- I am not a pill pusher by any stretch, but it has made him so much more successful in school and finally reaching his potential!

Therapy sessions dwindled down till now, when we are bringing him in about once every six weeks. Now, here is my issue- he is still extremely oppositional- he seems to think that he is on equal footing with every adult around him and if he feels something is "not fair", he does not have to do it- this includes things like- schoolwork, helping around the house, waking up on time, etc. I feel this is a maturity thing and he needs to grow up- some tweaking of our parenting skills may be in order as well. However, he goes to this therapist every six weeks and uses it as a venting session. I feel that he is manipulating the sessions to get what he wants. She is not stupid and I'm sure she kind of sees whats going on, but I feel it's pointless to continue at this point. We are really stretching ourselves financially for this and I havent seen any marked changes over the past few months. He looks at the sessions as a reward and I don't feel he deserves it right now.

Can I stop the therapy? Am I being an irresponsible, vengeful parent by doing so?

Sorry so long

amother

Tan

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 3:06 pm

rlm wrote:

I feel like if he has a safe place to vent, and he is doing so, it may be a very very healthy thing
how many 12 year olds are able to be open and expressive?

OP here, yes, well, that is my hesitation, and I guess it's fine and therapist told me that's why she is keeping him on- she is generally much quicker to discharge, which I saw when she saw my daughter- but I'm left feeling so guilty each time I leave... I should probably talk to her about my concerns. Just needed to get some input-thanks!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 18 2016, 3:13 pm

I know a boy exactly like your DS.

Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) cannot be treated with meds, and is only marginally affected by therapy. An expert in ODD can help teach coping skills, but they are hard to find, and not cheap.

My friend eventually took her DS out of school (before they could kick him out) and got him a frum home schooling plan online. His attention focused, he got straight A's, and he was a total self starter! It was absolutely amazing. By having flexible time, and being single handedly accountable for his studies, he was like a whole new kid. His dad learned with him an hour or two every evening, which drastically improved their relationship, which had been very adversarial up until then.

B'H, he's a delightful kid to be around now, and his outbursts and meltdowns have become extremely rare. The only time he really loses it is when his blood sugar gets too low, and he's learned to watch out for warning signs and find himself a protein snack before it gets too bad. He even carries granola bars with him, in case he feels a blood sugar drop coming on while he's out and about.

It took his parents years of struggling, pleading, tears, anger, punishment, and prayer, but it turned out that putting him in control was exactly what he needed for his personality type. Everyone in the community had labeled him as a "bad kid", but when he had his bar mitzvah, everyone came to see, and there was not a dry eye in the house. People were openly sobbing because they were so happy for this boy and his family.

amother

Tan

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 11:45 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

OP here- With all due respect, how do you know my son to even compare him to another child? My son developed oppositional behavior as a result of going for so many years with undiagnosed ADD. He is doing amazingly well with 4 out of 5 teachers. Pulling him out of school is not even on the agenda- while homeschooling works for many people- it is not realistic or feasible for me by any stretch of the imagination nor is it in the best interests of my child. My question was regarding therapy with this particular therapist who has been working well with my child, not advice on how to deal with my son. I am not attempting to treat ODD with meds, I am treating the ADD with meds and successfully, as well. Please don't give unsolicited advice, though I'm sure you were well-meaning.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 11:50 am

amother wrote:

I am very sorry that I offended you. I don't know all of your situation, that is true.

I was just trying to give you some chizzuk, that even a very severe case can turn out with a positive outcome. If this doesn't apply, then disregard everything. Maybe it will help someone else, maybe not. I just thought it was worth sharing.

Again, I meant no offense, and I wish you the very best. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job for your son.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 12:04 pm

amother wrote:

Seems to be very expensive for him to just have a place to vent and be heard. If its not absolutely necessary to continue, maybe see if there are other ways to work on getting him to feel heard and understood without therapy.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 12:49 pm

I agree with the advice to make sure the therapist is working toward a goal. If what your son needs is coping skills and behavioral help and the therapist is not providing that, then it might be useless.

I'm concerned that a 12-year-old has that much to vent about and be angry about. You mentioned that he has problems with authority and getting along in school. Are you sure that he's the problem? Maybe it's a bad environment for him.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 10:58 pm

Seas wrote:

The benefits of therapy are dubious at the best of times (more so when it's for children), and in this case it seems quite obvious the only one gaining from the sessions is the therapist. Stop the therapy and have a chat with your son about personal responsibility.

You obviously are not well versed in psychology...
If the qualified and competent therapist uses evidenced based practices, that stem from research and empirical studies- like CBT, DBT, systemic approaches and many others- there have been proven benefits. Even with kids.

Now, this does not mean that the therapist is competent, qualified or is even doing his/her job (letting someone vent every session without a goal isn't typically part of therapy). Every 6 weeks is not usually done, nor recommended. How can progress be made? (Sometimes after solving an issue there might be "maintenance" therapy to help keep the client on track and to see if sessions should be restarted and won't be weekly but apparently no progress was made here to warrant this...)