I Hate Working | Imamother

amother

Bisque

Fri, May 20 2016, 7:41 am

Mothers who work 40+ hours a week, can you explain how you do it without getting burnt out?
I work full time AND I do 99% of the housework and childcare (except school/playgroup hours of course).

How do you do this?? I am reaching the end of my ropes. Please don't say to hire more help, because I can't afford it.

amother

Seashell

Fri, May 20 2016, 7:47 am

It's tough. It's really, really tough to never have downtime, never have time to clear your head, organize your life and mind, and take care of yourself physically. I've been doing g this for a long time and I don't see a way out. I have become okay with it by giving myself permission to complain and validate myself how hard it is. It is really not the way life is meant to be....
Sometimes I console myself with the thought that bh I have the physical and mental capability to support myself and my children, and I'd rather be doing this than not have the capability and skills and be struggling g tremendously for parnassa with no way out. Don't know if this can help...

mommy3b2c

Fri, May 20 2016, 8:42 am

That sounds really tough. I would cover be able to do it. Why does your husband not help you more?

Stars

Fri, May 20 2016, 9:40 am

Following

Mrs Bissli

Fri, May 20 2016, 10:14 am

I work full time, normally 40hrs+ could be as much as 14hrs a day plus Sunday if I’m really busy. The major difference is, I don’t do 99% of the housework and childcare. Housework split is more like 40% DH (he tends to work from home, flexible hours), 30% cleaner, 30% me (I do bulk of the cooking while DH does grocery shopping). Weekday childcare arrangement is more like 70% nannies (because all kids are at school I have one part-time nanny to cover the mornings and another part-time childminder who does after school), 20% me and 10% DH.

I expect children to pitch in. For example I do not fold their laundries and put into their closets—it’s their job. Also they need to help tidy up after they’ve eaten meals, older ones are expected to wash their dishes (otherwise their next meal could be served in the same unwashed plates/bowls).

Also I can manage with not too much sleep (I know it’s not healthy though), because I’ve been working like this ever since I finished graduate school. I’m up just before 6am, leaves the house 6:30-6:45am, start my work day 7:30am, comes home anywhere from 6pm to 10pm, go to bed usually after midnight to sometimes 1am.

I tend to wake up reasonably early (say 7:30am) on Sundays. Sunday is the time I catch up with all things ranging from laundry to cooking for the following week’s meals to catching up with children, making sure kids have things they need for school etc.

But most importantly, I think I'm managing because I enjoy my work.

HonesttoGod

Fri, May 20 2016, 10:32 am

I work 36 hours a week (including travel it ends up being about 42 hours out the house).
I don't manage. It is hard, I hate that it is this way but I enjoy my job.

mha3484

Fri, May 20 2016, 10:32 am

I felt like you until I changed jobs. I had a horrible coworker and was making lousy money. Long story short, something fell in my lap close to my home with a great boss and much better money and I like going to work everyday. I joke its the only quiet time I get haha. I make a coffee when I come in and get to drink the whole thing while its hot.

DH does the daily child care for our toddler and my older child is in school until 2 ( next year 3:45). The housework we try and divide but I do more just based on certain personality factors.

Break down what has you so unhappy and see if any of it can be changed. The smallest things can sometimes make a big difference.

amother

Vermilion

Sat, May 21 2016, 4:43 pm

Yeah, I work full-time too, and have a family, and I also have a chronic illness. I do more of the childcare than my husband in general and my husband and I split the housework (not always evenly, but as needed).

I can't do it all, and I just decided that something has to go. For me, it couldn't be work, or my family, or my health, so it's the house. . . Don't get me wrong, my house is okay. Everyone always has clean clothes, there's always food/meals to eat, it's not dirty. But, my house is often a mess - things are not always organized or put away, and not every surface sparkles (or is even visible). We do the bare minimum for the house - dishes, laundry, food shopping, cooking, wash the floors at minimum (we sweep much more often and spot clean if something spills), clean the kitchen/bathrooms at a minimum (kitchen sinks/counters and toilet more than other things). My kids toys and books are not always in their places at the end of the day, and neither are my books (which is okay, since all our stuff most get taken out again in the morning). We don't make the beds. All underclothes go in separate drawers without being folded -only clothes that get worn on the outside get folded or hung up (Believe me, not folding dozens and dozens of undershirts and underpants a week saves time). We use a lot of disposable dishes. I use frozen food where possible, and only make dinners that take less than 40 minutes prep + cooking time (if someone doesn't like it, they eat a bowl of cereal or a sandwich). Shabbat food is also only things I can cook quickly and simply. I buy dessert and challah instead of making it myself. When I make food, I try to make more and freeze it (making 3 quiches takes about the same time as making 1). And when I clean something, I do it as quickly as possible (e.g., when we were first married, my husband would wash the floors, then wax them, 1-2 times a week. Now, we just wash them as quickly as possible and less often than that). I don't use special sprays or sponges or cleaners for the bathtub, I just wipe it quickly with some soap - it needs to be clean, even if it doesn't shine or if it still has water stains or something. I don't care if bedrooms are cleaned up or not. I don't spend time separating the laundry into whites and darks and just wash everything on cold (exception is white shabbos shirts). We put plastic tablecloths over our regular tablecloths so I don't have to wash big tablecloths most of the time. We almost never wash our windows.

Also, even my 3 year old helps set the table and cleans up her toys. Each kid clears their plate and silverware and garbage from the table at every meal (even my 3 year old clears her plate after each meal). Older kids, starting at age 10 or so, can do their own laundry (washer, dryer, and putting away), take out the recycling, take out the garbage, wash / put away dishes (maybe older than 10), sweep the floor (younger than 10), vacuum.

Also, whatever help I can pay for is more efficient to have a teenager come and help out extra with dishes and laundry and sweeping and putting toys away for an hour a few times a week, than a cleaning lady who just washes everything but only once a week and that I need to clean up for in advance. Money-wise it works out about the same, and I find personally that help on the daily tasks even 1-2 times a week saves me more time than a full scrub down.

Whatever doesn't get done in the house, just doesn't get done. . . My house will be a mess until I can afford more help. But, we're all happier, since I'm not falling apart overdoing myself. And although maybe we'd all feel better if things were neater, my family (and I) care more that I'm okay than that the house is okay.