Shiva call for my ex Dh's wife

PinkFridge

Fri, Dec 28 2012, 9:18 am

Abby's on to something, there are all sorts of reasons (winter driving, pressures at work, who knows? Not my business, you don't need to defend yourself) and possibly "reasons" you might have come up with and I suspect you can probably identify them without too much trouble. We're all human.

I just wanted to add, or maybe stress: there are women reading this whose lives are NOT like this. There may not be any peace partners involved. Or maybe there are, as in "peace partners". If you can bring simcha and calm and strength and consistency into your days (and all the other stuff in "If" come to think of it) my hat's figuratively off to you ladies (and I do mean ladies) too!

sarachana

Fri, Dec 28 2012, 10:26 am

PinkFridge wrote:

zaq wrote:

BTW it's awfully impressive that your teen dd WANTS to pay a shiva call. You should be proud whether or not she ends up being able to go.

And you should be proud not just of her but of yourself for fostering such a climate.
(To others in similar situations: I realize it's not always desirable or feasible but if it is, life is definitely more pleasant.)

like! love this post!!!

Barbara

Fri, Dec 28 2012, 10:32 am

abby1776 wrote:

You came up with excuses because you didnt want to go - who could blame you. Why would you want to spend quality time with your ex husband's new wife.

Abby, I wouldn't really consider shiva, after losing one's mother, to be "quality time," for OP or for her ex's wife.

No one, least of all me, has suggested that this would have been easy for OP, or that she's not entirely justified in not wanting to go. I'm sure I would feel exactly the same. Indeed, I often try to find excuses not to make a shiva call, even when I like the person. But OP didn't ask that, She asked what she should do. And that's often different from what one wants to do, or is justified in doing. Should is the best, the gold standard.

OP, have your kids give her a call before Shabbat. Have them tell her how sorry they were to hear about her mother, how much they liked her. Given tzekdaka in your kids' names, in her memory. Sorry to hear about your car trouble. I know what that's like, you can get around locally, but you're afraid to drive too far. Hope the mechanic is back from vacation and can fix it next week.

amother

Fri, Dec 28 2012, 12:54 pm

It's not really the op;s responsibility to have her 17 year old call, give tzedaka etc...while it might be nice, it's not on her to make these things happen.
Cheers to her for fostering such a nice atmosphere all around. I imagine it takes a lot of hard work and putting one's own needs and ego and hurts aside. Definitely better for your kids which is probably if not certainly why you are doing it and rising above your own stuff. You sound like a wonderful mother.
While there are exceptions, basically after divorce the father's family is the father's responsibility.

servewithjoy

Fri, Dec 28 2012, 1:56 pm

I really feel like this guy is getting a pass at the expense of his ex wife who is supposed to be some tzadekes. What am I missing here? When a woman is in aveilus is her husband always with her 24/7/7?
When they have children does he not deal with them at all while supporting his wife?
He never leaves the house?
Not common in my circles.
And isn't he still a father? Helping his children through this?

Isramom8

Sat, Dec 29 2012, 10:44 am

What if it were just "anyone" who died that your kids felt a closeness with? You'd take them, right? You wouldn't expect the niftar's family to pick them up to be menachem avel. This is about your kids, not your ex.

Once there are kids involved, you're never really rid of an ex, huh?

freidasima

Sat, Dec 29 2012, 10:56 am

Barbara I liked your post and I wish I could like it again and again.
Isramom, you are so right.

Then again, I know of divorced women who hate their ex and his new wife so much that they would pray not only for both him and her to meet a slow and painful end but for her family as well. so go know....

PinkFridge

Sun, Dec 30 2012, 7:07 am

amother wrote:

I wonder how many of the "you take her" etc responses are from divorced women.

I'm not divorced. And that's why I took pains to say that while it seemed like the best thing to do, I really understood why it might not have been easy, or realistic.
Shosh said it well. Your situation (are you divorced?) might be vastly different than what OP's presenting.

amother

Natural

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 9:50 am

I am the OP of this old post. I was doing a search for something else and this thread popped up. I re-read the replies and I want to come clean, after distance has been put in the middle.

I left out a few details in my OP that might have changed the replies a bit. Honestly I wanted people to side with me, since my ex was so adamant that I needed to bring the kids. What did I leave out? His wife was in her 9th month of pregnancy and she wouldnt let him leave her sight for long enough to come to get them and then bring them back. Thats the main reason he would not come get the kids. And Yes, I am remarried. Does that change anyones opinion, now in hindsight?

Look - I hate the guy, ok? So why would I want to help him? Why do I care about his wife sitting shiva?

I really appreciated all of you telling me that Im such a good mother. Why am I updating this post? I dont really know. Am I still a good mom, now that I admitted that it was really out of spite that I didnt want to take the kids for a shiva call? I hate his ex also, to tell you the truth. And no, I did not tell my kids to call her before shabbos that week like others have suggested I do. Thats also my job? If my (then) teenaged dd cared so much for her, she would have picked up the phone on her own to call. I dont know if they called or not.

amother

Green

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 10:14 am

Yeah. It seems that the posts saying to go were talking about an ideal world situation. Sometimes it can be very difficult to be the one to rise above, put your feelings aside and do the right thing. Nobody thinks you're a bad person if you can't.

imasinger

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 2:23 pm

OP, thanks for updating an old post. It helps me remember to be dl"z, and that there's always more to the story.

If you are thinking more about this, maybe you are trying to decide if how you acted was in keeping with your values.

Nobody here can answer that question. Think it through, and determine if you are proud of all your actions, or if you feel slightly guilty about anything. If it's the former, let it go; maybe it's some vestigial anger at ex or his wife that brought it up again in your mind. If it's the latter, try to imagine what might have been a choice that would reflect your best self, and what prevented you from making it.

In either case, I join with studying_torah in wishing you a gut gebentched yahr!

octopus

Sat, Oct 08 2016, 5:24 pm

If it's your ex making you feel guilty, the only person that he should guilt is his wife. It would be his responsibility to bring the kids, not yours. He could've gotten a different relative of his to pick them up. If you would have driven them, I would have labeled you a tzadekes. You did nothing wrong in my book.