How much of our problems are really our fault

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amother

Tangerine

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 6:34 am

Over Yom Kippur I was thinking there are many things I blame on unpleasant external circumstances that I have little control over (no one would disagree that I do have a hard life). Even so how much is just excuses I'm really making for myself? Does anyone blame their failings on themselves and take responsibility? Or does everyone come up with the same type of excuses as me?

causemommysaid

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 6:40 am

Many things are our own making. Bad financial decisions, problematic relationships, poor choices that lead to disease etc. And some things are out of our control such as certain illnesses, tragedies, fertility, and choices other people make that affect us. We are in control of how we respond to these things and that often makes a world of difference. I would have to agree that aside from extenuating circumstances, most of our problems stem from our choices and our reactions. Not an easy pill to swallow though. It's easier to blame God and circumstance.

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 6:41 am

I see this a lot also.

leah233

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 6:57 am

This question seems related to the question of "How much Bechira do we really have"

I don't know the answer to either of them but my thoughts are.

If someone made no real effort to accomplish something or deal with an adverse situation then they can't only blame external circumstances.

If someone made tremendous effort to accomplish something or deal with an adverse situation over a long term period and got nowhere then they can put most of the blame on external circumstances.

Most people probably fall somewhere in between those two scenarios.

chani8

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 7:08 am

I dont see any point in looking back and blaming anyone, not even myself. At the very moment that bad things are happening, I try to assess my responsibility in the situation, and work on myself. The goal is self improvement not blame.

southernbubby

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 7:18 am

I'm full of self blame.

Aylat

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 7:41 am

chani8 wrote:

This.

amother

Khaki

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 7:54 am

I'm always full of self blame. I rarely, if ever, blame others. I guess because I have high expectations of myself and low expectations of others.

ssspectacular

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 8:21 am

If I wont accept any blame for my circumstances, how will I improve? I know I did the best I could when these things were happening, but I can learn from them and hope to avoid similar problems in the future. That's called growth.

Esty4

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 10:40 am

amother wrote:

The only thing under our control is our choice, choosing right from wtong, everything that happens, all circumstances are a test from H-Shem. Ease up on yourself, the only thing you should take responsibility is for your choices, and if you need improvement in middos or resisting your yetzer hora, work on those. Buy books on Emunah which make everything more clear and will answer your questions. One is living Emunah, a very good one, all the volumes.

Esty4

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 10:41 am

causemommysaid wrote:

I don’t agree,, the Torah says only thing we are in control of is yiras shomayim, meaning choosing not to do aveiroh, every circumstance is caused by H-shem only.

yogabird

Sun, Sep 23 2018, 11:32 am

I think it all boils down to the serenity prayer.

amother

Slategray

Tue, Sep 25 2018, 9:32 am

Very interesting question. Let's say my main problem is that I'm not well liked, I treat people nicely and fairly, but I'm not well liked in general because I'm socially awkward. I don't smile when I should, I'm bad at small talk, I don't know the right thing to say, and even if I say the right thing I say it with the wrong intonation.

The reason I'm like this is because I was raised by parents like this and did not have a positive/healthy example of how to interact socially.

So is it my fault or not, or partially my fault?

amother

Lemon

Tue, Sep 25 2018, 9:39 am

amother wrote:

Fault is harsh.
But if you know that it's a problem you can try to retrain yourself through therapy or therapeutic groups.
I married my husband bcz of who I was at the time. Now I'm different and would never have married him.
So although I understand the reasons behind it, I still take responsibility for my decision.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Sep 25 2018, 1:33 pm

amother wrote:

Hey, I didn't know there's a clone of me somewhere out there - seriously, it could have been me writing that. Though, I don't usually see it as my "fault". I've gotten used to it and accept it as a part of me. People are different and have different strengths. All these socially fluent smooth-talkers and smilers probably have other problems or weaknesses which you just don't know at that moment. Nobody's perfect and that's just human, not anyone's fault. We are not meant to be perfect.
On the practical side, what about people who know you beyond the small talk settings? Those who know the real you behind the facade? Like close friends and family? I would guess that they probably do appreciate you and that should count a lot more than random general liking by strangers/half-strangers. Maybe focus more on the people who actually know the real you.

causemommysaid

Tue, Sep 25 2018, 2:24 pm

Esty4 wrote:

I don’t agree,, the Torah says only thing we are in control of is yiras shomayim, meaning choosing not to do aveiroh, every circumstance is caused by H-shem only.

Then how do you explain the concept of bechira?

Ruchel

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 2:15 am

It's bechira from our POV, and from Hashe'ms it's a plan for the world...

Today you'll hear "hurt people hurt people" and stuff like that. I agree that what happens to smeone can have dire consequences but there are also choices.

DVOM

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 3:42 am

I blame myself plenty, but in cases where I think I'm not to blame I try to te myself: you didn't make this mess but it's here so you have to deal with it. And then ask myself what part I played in the problem and how I can clean up what is in my control. (Yes, a 12 stepper here Very Happy

)

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 4:04 am

Well, I definitely blame my cirvumstances and of course I become bitter bec clearly hashem "made my circumstances"(I def did my hishtadlus) but other times I try to pump myself up and say for some reason hashem its the best for me. If a person looked and looked for a normal job and everyone turned her down, then hashem put her in that situation. If a person grew up in poverty with no money for college ...or with parents who dont show love or parents who are abusive ...then yes that is the situation/circumstance that is to blame.

However, when we blame we are not acknowledging hashem. Hashem specifically put us in each situation in order for us to have our limits and faults....and wants to become better in that circumstance/situation. Most ppl do their hishtadlus to try to improve their situation but they are still in it. Most ppl in my opinion are making good choices but hashem wants them in a certain situation...

The highest level of emuna /bitachon is not being upset at anyone bec we believe and know/trust that even if we are hurt or insulted...or have difficulty in the challenge..., its hashems plan for that to happen to us. We can see this with parnassa clearly. Two accountants who are both hardworking....but one is rich and the other low low middle class. Or with seasons not doing well but another store is doing well(ppl may say its bec they didnt do..but I saw them using the same strategies...hishtadlus...ultimately its hashem who decides who will be in which situation.) Same with illness, I know ppl who died early bec of diabetes and others lived to 100. Im talking about ppl who did the same hishtadlus...

I know that im very limited in many ways bec of my circumstances even though I have tried to improve my situation...its still bad for me but I also know hashem wants me in this situation for some reason.

princessleah

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 11:26 am

In DBT we say, "I might not be the cause of all my problems, but I am still responsible to solve them."

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