Rebbi a Liar... | Imamother

amother

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 10:44 pm

Opinions please..... ds in 10th grade. I worry about him being pushed off the derech. he is very straight laced, does not like silliness, wants a straight answer and wants his questions answered even with "I don't know I will look that up" and not, "why would you ask that.." etc.
He has one Rebbi who he does not care for. The Rebbi tries to make jokes and calls the students "tokeys" trying to have a Brooklyn accents saying turkeys. Gives points to students who daven extra loud etc.. this is high school..
In any case the teacher has told the students information about upcoming assignments or tests and then changes them. About two months ago the teacher told the students their midterm was going to be open notes, a project and working with a partner. The students were thrilled to have a bit of pressure off of them. Finals are next week. The teacher said to the class he changed his mind(its a well behaved class fyi) its going to be on your own, closed book and not a project. The boys were upset and asked why he changed the the style. The response was, "Because Rebbi changed his mind." DS came home very upset. Expressed that rebbi can not be trusted. He always changes what he says. He is a liar.

This is not the first time we have had this teacher. My other boys seemed to ignore the teacher's silliness. One ds actually sat through his chumash class with a gemarah behind the chumash!

In any case... I am not sure how to deal with this. Of course I want ds to respect his teacher, but the teacher is doing nothing to keep the respect he automatically should receive.
One the one hand I want to have a talk with the teacher, on the other hand its probably a waste of my time..

Can one teacher really do a tremendous amount of damage- um- yes. I believe so.. You just need one to start the ball rolling.
Thoughts..

amother

Copper

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 11:05 pm

Please make sure to make it clear to your son that the action of the Rebbe is wrong. He can still respect him as he would anyone else, but the behavior is wrong. Sometimes parents are afraid of kids disrespecting authority and don't make that clear. Kids grow up respecting authority to the point of not being able to discern when not to. That can be dangerous.

amother

Powderblue

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 11:07 pm

I think it’s time your son learns to be more flexible. I’m not saying the rebbi is right but your son shouldn’t be going if the derech over this. Many kids might enjoy this rebbis sense of humor.

Yes, people have a right to change their mind. It’s not called lying. Sometimes new information comes in and adults need to change their course of action.

Give him examples. A father told his son he will take him to siyum hashas. Then the father finds out that it’s the same day as a big meeting he is having and he can’t change it. Yes the plans need to change. He gotta learn how to roll with it.

I’ll go hide now under anon. Throw the tomatoes

trixx

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 11:10 pm

amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:

My issue is (it sounds like) the teacher doesn't respect the students as individuals. I have also changed my mind as a teacher. I will explain: class, I thought about it and decided to change. I'm sorry if you were counting on something else. (if possible I will explain my reasoning)

The otd reference comes from the abuse of the power which is actually what this is.

amother

Lime

Sun, Jan 05 2020, 12:29 am

I’m Big believer in active listening. Especially when s kid is upset. I don’t think then is good time to insist on derechveretz. Like hear him out and let him speak and use words he wants.

Later can discuss maybe not calling ppl liars. Explain Sometimes ppl re evaluate and see an idea isn’t a good idea. Etc. you do have to be flexible because sometimes teachers do see things dontvwirknhow they’d expect.

Nothing wrong with you calling rebbe to explain that this really upset your son and maybe he can explain it to him better.

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Jan 05 2020, 12:45 am

amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:

I agree. The point isn't wether the rebbe is right or not. If you think something like this can push your son over the edge, that's a huge concern. Most kids can handle something like this. Sure they'd be upset and worked up, but it's not something that would affect a typical teenager emotionally and they'd get over it quickly. Your son is showing signs of rigidity and black and white thinking. Anxiety and perfectionism can also be an issue here. Please address these issues. Even if this rebbe would be perfect, there will be someone else or another situation that will upend everything. I'm talking from experience. I'm working on these issues/kiddos with my own 8 year old daughter. I don't want her to end up like another family who was led down the road of victimhood and self righteousness who is now today a mess and abusive and hurts the people around her.

ETA: some other posters have good ideas like active listening etc. I'm not giving advice how to deal with this specific issue, but rather to make you aware that your son can use some help. I find that some parents of children such as ours often coddle their children saying their sensitive and oh so truthful etc. Please see how these Middos can affect a marriage and other interpersonal relationships.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Jan 05 2020, 12:49 am

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

I agree to all 3 points

amother

Sun, Jan 05 2020, 10:42 pm

Thank you for the feedback and great advice on how to handle this. Originally DS had the rebbi all day for gemarah- we knew right away this would not be a good shidduch and spoke with the hanhala of the school and had him switched, but he does have this rebbi for another class. When the rebbi made a joke about something else ds found upsetting, which I did as well, I spoke with the rebbi and principal and both felt it was just a joke what had been said and we were taking it out of context.... This Rebbi has been in the school for years- he is not going anywhere- we just have to figure out how to survive the year and yes there are students who think he is great and he is a good fit for them. Just not a good match for ds. The rebbi is immature(even though he is an adult) as someone else suggested here and I worry about speaking with him as there will probably be negative repercussions towards ds. Sad to say it...

No tomatoes being thrown Hot pink.. you are right, ds is very black and white- rigid thinking and it is something we are working on. He doesn't seem to have the same problems with flexibility when dealing with his secular study teachers- maybe he has a higher expectation from his rabbeim- He probably gets that from me...

amother

Sun, Jan 05 2020, 10:43 pm

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

Why should your son respect him? Thats the only thing unclear? Seems he thinks he is funny and likes power over kids. Whats to respect?

Ideally only role models should be rebbe's, not always the case. Teach your son sometimes you have to deal with difficult people and help him strategize how to get through the year.

Ideas on how we do this...