S/O teenagers raising younger siblings

crust

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 8:43 am

amother OP wrote:

In this case, the teenager wasnt taking her turn, all the turns were hers! AFAIK she didnt mind doing this but I dont think that should make a difference.
Of course this was a generation ago, where using bc especially in those circles would have been totally taboo, but I dont know if that would have made a difference. I think the mother wanted a big family and would have had it even if the bc option was there.

I would be curious to interview this child now.

Did she do the same with her own children? Is she emotionally honest and can express how it effected her?

Are her children emotionally healthy?

Its not always what happens in the moment but the aftermath of it.

(While both have abuse and wrong approaches to chinuch ingrained in their systems there's one difference between Isreali frum culture and American frum culture.

In the USA everything is kept secret. In Isreal there are no secrets and less shame in general.
People talk openly about the things they do so it might be eaiser to find out where this child/woman is up to.)

amother

Freesia

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 8:47 am

I have never in my life heard of a teen sleeping with a newborn and having to wake up at night to care for it. That is parentification.
I was a parentified child. My mother used to wake me at night from my sleep when my toddler brother woke up crying , because my mother didn’t understand him and didn’t understand his baby talk since I spent more time with him (or paid more attention to him) and she needed me to interpret what he was saying and to comfort him back to sleep. No that is very not normal and I needed to go to therapy to undo the damage.

amother

Coffee

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 9:05 am

My husband's great grandmother grew up in the old city. Family legend has it that she was the oldest of a very large family and was very involved in raising her siblings - and when one of her siblings died young, she said 'one less to take care of '.
She herself got married, had a small family and then had a hysterectomy because she was done.
Just because the older sister is doing a good job doesn't mean she's happy about her responsibilities

amother

Wheat

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 9:08 am

amother Freesia wrote:

My parents used to ignore my little sister's cries at night, so I used to get up and go to her. By the time she could talk/babble, she would wake up at night crying my name. Not Mommy.
But this is because I was parentified during the day, too. I was the cook, laundress, babysitter, and cleaner all rolled into one. And yes, I have been in therapy because of this.

amother

Freesia

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 9:22 am

amother Begonia wrote:

I think there is a healthy medium that many need to achieve and that is teaching kids to be helpful and gain beautiful positive feelings from learning life skills and basic housekeeping skills while at the same time not burdening them and not allowing them to be the mommy.

Definitely my struggle. I'm a recovering parentified child and raising my kids now is hell because I already did this all my childhood and now I'm drained to my marrow.

Same. And my kids refuse to help or do very very little of anything and I feel so resentful because I’m beyond burnt out and I’m forever comparing in my mind the amount that I did in comparison to them having a free for all life. It’s a harsh reality.

amother

DarkCyan

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 9:46 am

I was parentified as a teen although I never had to wake up in middle of the night with a baby.

I could give examples that would make you puke but part of me feels protective of my mother and not want her to be judged/humiliated. As I've grown older I understand more the kind of pressure she was under and how hard it is to raise a frum family.

I had boys first (my oldest daughter is #5) and I also send my girls away for HS. They're a huge help to me when they're home but going away for HS means they had less opportunities to become parentified.

amother

Peach

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 10:00 am

#BestBubby wrote:

In my opinion, girls should help 30 - 45 minutes on a school night.

And 60 - 90 minutes on erev shobbos/yt.

Boys who come home late, should do 15 minutes on school night.

And 60-90 minutes on erev shobbos/yt assuming they finish around noon or are off.

Girls come home between 5-5:30. They eat, do homework for 1-2 hours+ if they have a test. So it’s already 8. They still need to shower, get ready for tomorrow and have a bit of downtime.
45 minutes a night is a lot. Washing dishes for 15 minutes maybe, but it’s not fun to be in high school.

I helped a lot but whatever I did was not enough. If I baked for Shabbos I was criticized for not washing the bowl etc. My younger siblings who I helped out tons when they were little have no responsibilities nowadays. Looking back, I see where my mother is coming from- huge family, tons of work plus a business- she got very little rest while pregnant and with a newborn. But I didn’t ask her to be born and I didn’t ask her to give me so many siblings. Half the family would have been just fine.

I have a hard time asking my kids for help and I worry about that.

amother

Mintcream

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 10:07 am

My mother raised her 15 siblings and she never recovered. Which means I didn’t have a great childhood either.
It was weird the way she dealt with me. She almost never asked outright for help, except to bathe my little siblings or take my autistic brother places. But she constantly complained to her sisters that she had no help. Apparently she maybe expected me to instinctively take on responsibility like she did, but I didn’t. My younger sister did. Different personality.
She messed me up in other ways but my identity remained intact. My sister on the other hand is in an abusive marriage and I don’t see her standing up to him anytime soon.