16 year old DD bought herself a smartphone

BatZion

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 1:14 am

OP, I don't have any wise words to add.
I just had to comment that I was blown away by the fact that your daughter called a meeting with you and your husband to openly tell you about the fact that she bought a phone.
BH, it sounds like you are doing something very right if that is the kind of relationship you have with her!
I bless you that you have the right people to guide you at the right time, that your daughter finds her own Torah-true path, that you have much nachat from each of your children, and that your relationship with your daughter flourishes.
I also bless us all that we have such a relationship with each and every one of our children...

amother

DarkPurple

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 4:48 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

My son bought a phone and his it from us. It was the beginning of the end
I hate the stupid things!!

A boy having an unfiltered phone vs. a girl is an extremely different situation.

amother

Skyblue

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 5:29 am

My daughter is threatening to do just that. Same age. In some ways, it’s also manipulative. We are going to limit some things and monitor. I’m so afraid. A big Rav said we should buy one for her because she will do it without any filters otherwise. She is also pushing the envelope with tznius, hates BY, etc. I can’t see how this is going to be ok, but if we come down hard on her, we lose the battle.

amother

Chestnut

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 8:42 am

I would explain to her that the same way someone gets a drivers license, they need to do drivers Ed, when navigating the new digital world she should have to listen to a few podcasts about the dangers of internet , social media etc and the she shohld say way measures she would put in place to protect herself.
As you can tell she isn’t going to listen to anything you said, she bought a phone behind your back can do anything . Whatever boundary you put in place she can break and figure out a way around it You can’t control her but you can empower her to make good choices

amother

Crimson

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 8:50 am

amother Skyblue wrote:

This is a personal decision, and there's no reason to view it that way.

PinkFridge

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 9:46 am

amother Snowdrop wrote:

I'm not sure what you can do about it but for two of my children getting a phone was the beginning of the end.

I would do whatever I could no matter what it took for her not to have the phone at all but in the very least for it to have a strong filter and a way for you to monitor what she is doing on it.

Someone here compared it to a loaded gun. It literally is. It killed two of my children's neshamos. They are completely different people (in a very bad way) than they were before they got the phones.

(They also both fell prey to scams, met very unsavory people, shared things they shouldn't have, were negatively affected socially etc. etc. etc.)

Hugs! I hope they find their ways back.
You highlight why there needs to be an immediate focus on phone safety, leaving the frumkeit aside.

PinkFridge

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 9:49 am

amother Skyblue wrote:

It's very reassuring to talk to the big rabbanim. Really. There is so much wisdom and authenticity. The question is, who is accessible for day to day guidance. To me it seems that ideally, you want her to be in a place where she won't need it. Right now the phone is just a prop of the rebellion she's trending to because of her other issues, whether learning difficulties, seeing hypocrisy, social, etc. So I hope you can find the best place for her.

But if she gets the phone, don't go frum on her. Go safe. Give her the information she needs so her activity on the phone won't come back to bite her later, and lead her to danger now.

amother

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 1:24 pm

BatZion wrote:

Amen. Thank you so much for saying this.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 1:25 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

There's a difference between being manipulative and being one version of a healthy typical teenager.

amother

Smokey

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 1:40 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

Go with the rav's advice and know you're not alone in being afraid. I didn't sleep for weeks but in the end decided that buying it for her myself and helping her get it set up with apps, etc was preferable to pushing her off until she did it herself in her own way.

If you buy the phone for her now you can still do it on your terms. Once she buys it herself you've lost that.

It doesn't have to be the beginning of the end. It wasn't for us. You can casually make suggestions on what apps are good and you think she'd enjoy, download them together, but keep restrictions to a minimum so when you really need to say a hard No then she'll take you seriously.

Good luck!

amother

Skyblue

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 2:07 pm

When I say manipulative…..she asked us for the phone. Then basically said —“if you don’t buy it I could always go behind your back and do it”. So yes. It does have a taste of manipulation.
So we are buying it on our terms…I hope.

amother

Foxglove

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 2:19 pm

There is a tv show called catfish. It shows how people pretend to be others online and what happens when others believe they are who they say they are. There are clips of the show on YouTube. I would suggest you watch them with her and discuss how to keep safe.

amother

Razzmatazz

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 1:55 am

I’m in the same situation. Now I need guidance on how to make boundaries and rules to keep her safe without being too constricting. I don’t know anything about parental controls and what I shud or shud not allow her to do. Where can I get myself educated or who can I call?
Is WhatsApp ok? What about telegram?
I’m not sure I want to go to tag.
And what shud I tell her?

June

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 6:29 am

Just to add to all the other wise advice here, you may want to read — and give your daughter to read, if she's mature which it sounds like she is — the book Indistractible by Nir Eyal.

He says that a lot of people like to blame smart phones and social media for their kids' issues, but in reality, the issues were always there and modern technology is just a convenient scapegoat.

His premise when it comes to kids having smart phones is that you wouldn't push your kid into the deep end of a pool without getting them swimming lessons and passing a deep water test first, and you wouldn't let your kid drive a car without getting them driving lessons and getting their permit or license first.

It's the same with phones.

You can talk to her about using the internet and social media responsibly, making sure she's keeping up with her home and school responsibilities, not shutting herself off from the family and wrapping herself up in the phone, etc.

She might still be a teen, but she's going to be an adult real soon and I know many adults who have trouble using their phones responsibly. Setting her up for success now will help her tons in her adult life.