Finals - Chizzuk needed, I am beyond frustrated

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Jasmine

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:09 am

I didn’t read the whole thread. About the money, come to a decision and calmly and nicely stick to your guns. As you would about anything money related, finals or not.
I’m in my 20s. My mother didn’t have many little kids at home, so she had the ability to drive me, plus my friends started driving at some point. That fact that she would drive me anywhere if she could (including a printer for a term paper at 12am) made me always look back on those days with such fond memories. She enabled me to have the high school experience I craved (and didn’t always get, I wasn’t a popular kid). To this day I think it was so nice and generous and not at all spoiling.

keym

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:10 am

Im going to comment also that the pool thing doesn't seem so surprising
It was barely a thing 5 years ago, but as more and more families buy houses with pools, it's become an easy, natural, cheap fun activity.

My daughter probably has 3,4 girls with pools so obviously any end of year events are going to be swimming at their house.
And it doesn't even seem so upsetting that a study group at their house involves a swim break.

care4u

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:27 am

amother OP wrote:

so you are EXACTLY the kind of friend's mother my daughter is talking about. I am asking honestly since maybe I've just got it wrong and I need to understand today's times are different. Do you work during the morning and have little children at home that you will have to shlep along for all the chaufferring? Are there lots of mothers like this?

I also do this.
Finals/midterms are so hard for most of the girls and if this is what I need to do to make it easier than that's what I do.
It happens to be that the girls usually split whose house is they go to and usually they'll go to whoever's house that is straight from school so it's only one way of driving and not every day.
I happen not to work but I do know that there are mothers that will send a Lakeway.

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:38 am

keym wrote:

Did you not study with friends or in a group with snacks?

No because it would be incredibly inefficient to do that. I stayed in my room and studied and if there were specific questions to discuss we would speak on the phone.

I certainly didn't meet up with friends to eat out or party - all of that was saved for after exams.

I remember a party after finals in which we literally burned our verb books in the grill. Very Happy

It just seems totally alien to have enough time during finals week to do this.

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:42 am

amother Eggplant wrote:

I think all this partying during finals is limited to girls who are part of certain type of groups and cliques. My daughter and her friends take finals and testing very seriously. They don't study in groups, for some studying my daughter will have one girl over or go over to a friends house. She'll sometimes go for lunch with a friend after a final.

I took finals and testing very seriously as a student, and I usually studied with 3 of my friends for the big finals (some smaller ones I studied myself. My own boundary - otherwise it got overwhelming...). And one of my friends had a pool, and we sometimes took a break and a swim.

I don't think these things are mutually exclusive.

ETA I didn't live in such an "eating-out" community (I think times were different back then.) But we consumed loads of snacks (potato chips with ketchup or salsa was a favorite) and here and there we might have been treated to an occasional pizza/fries or chinese food.

Last edited by Chayalle on Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:44 am; edited 1 time in total

mha3484

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:42 am

I grew up in suburban America and now live in an area Id call semi urban. There are times I will go out to the suburbs and feel like I miss this then I read these threads and realize I really don't miss it at all. There is a lot here that is walkable for when no one can drive you. Also most yeshivish girls here drive in high school. Can I ask what the reason is not to get a license when you live in such a spread out place like Lakewood?

keym

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:48 am

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

It just seems totally alien to have enough time during finals week to do this.

Ok.
That was not mine and my friends experiences in various BY across the US in the 90s and early 00s.
We had finals.
We studied in groups with popcorn, pizza, and slurpees. We also would go to the mall after a final or bowling or a bike ride. Blow off steam for 2 hours and then start studying.
We would take naps and pull all nighters after.
We would call our camp friends and spend hours on the phone comparing our experiences.
I just don't see our girls doing that much difference, just there are more spending more money

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:51 am

mha3484 wrote:

I'm not sure of the precise reasons, but I can tell you the school I went to (not in Lakewood) had no rules when I started high school, and then slowly tacked them on. And this was 30+ years ago. I think alot of it has to do with a combination of hefkerus and peer pressure.

When I started high school, there was one student who had a "wreck" - she owned her own car, but it was an old bashed-in 2nd hand gig....and she was cool. But later on, there were students whose parents bought them luxury cars, and the school created rules to curb the peer pressure. They didn't want to deal with students who needed a new Infinity because everyone in their league had to get one.

They also started rules against driving cars to school, I think because of the responsibility. They didn't want students to sneak away from school premises during free periods, etc....

Driving needs to come with maturity, and it doesn't always. I remember being a teen and being in the car with a classmate who was driving pretty recklessly. BH we all made it to our destination, but that's another reason why schools want to delay the age of student drivers....

amother

Jean

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:54 am

Partying during finals is really foolish
Studying during finals is what should be done!
Party afterwards to celebrate that it’s all over -

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:57 am

amother Jean wrote:

Partying during finals is really foolish
Studying during finals is what should be done!
Party afterwards to celebrate that it’s all over -

Some students are able to study better with a combination of partying/studying. Not every student can focus endlessly on studying without stimulation and breaks.

Plus, I truly believe the socialization also benefits them, along with the studies.

Agree with the Party Afterwards - I'm sure that will be taking place as well.

amother

Firethorn

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:58 am

Just wanted to point out,eating out here in lakewood doesn't mean the pizza shop. It means fancy cafes with 20+$ salads and 12$ drinks and more

keym

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 11:00 am

Chayalle wrote:

Truthfully in Lakewood depending on the group.
According to my daughter, the last finals are Tuesday, the Tzeischem Lesahalom is Tuesday night and on Wednesday the staff for BRC and Menucha go up.
1/2 of my daughter's friends are leaving to camp the day after finals.

keym

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 11:01 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

Just wanted to point out,eating out here in lakewood doesn't mean the pizza shop. It means fancy cafes with 20+$ salads and 12$ drinks and more

For some.
J2 was packed yesterday with high school girls. Obviously that means many girls are going just for pizza

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 11:11 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

Just wanted to point out,eating out here in lakewood doesn't mean the pizza shop. It means fancy cafes with 20+$ salads and 12$ drinks and more

Yesh v'Yesh.
My daughter is very happy with pizza and sushi. Iced coffees here and there are a plus. And she's also fine with making her own milkshakes (icecream in freezer, milk, add ins like peanut-butter and oreos) and frozen pizza (Amnon is preferred), and frying her own fries (which I don't like so much, because it's messy).

When you set boundaries and they are spending some of their own money, it creates responsibility (and a willingness to check the pantry and freezer before insisting on take-out.)

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 11:12 am

keym wrote:

Wow I feel for the mothers.
My daughter has a week between end-of-school and camp. BH. Less pressure to get her packed and ready.

amother

Cherry

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 11:34 am

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

Is this another Lakewood thing?

I ask in all seriousness because when I was in high school, Finals weeks was incredibly stressful and I had no time to socialize - let alone gad around town and eat out. I was holed up in my room studying. LOL

The exams were difficult - this seems alien that girls would have so much free time that it was essentially like a week off school break.

Im thinking it’s a Lakewood thing as well. My dds had fun studying with another friend but it wasn’t a group thing and not an eatery thing either.

amother

Jean

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 11:47 am

Not all Lakewood hs’s allow eating out with friends during finals. The girls get a + 3 on each final that they did not study in an eatery.
Last Sunday we were shopping for camp and stopped in the pizza store to bring pizza home for supper. It was hot. I bought a drink for my 10 year old. My hs daughter got a cup and asked for a little bit of the drink. Suddenly she froze and said, oh no, was that considered eating out during finals? I assured her that it wasn’t as we were bringing our food home!
There are a few schools like that where the girls will not be found eating out and “studying”.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 11:54 am

All this is shocking to me. I went to Bruriah (hi, SingleAgain!) in the 90s and final week was incredibly intense! No one had time for breaks or chilling. Lots of girls did study with friends, but the operative word is STUDY. Also, we lived at such distances from each other that girls would just go home with that day's host and sleep over. Maybe sleepovers were more common then.
We did plenty of mall-going but it was NOT during exams! Most of us got licenses in 12th grade but parents were very accommodating with driving - but not like what is being described!
As for food, maybe there'd be a Dunkin Donuts or Jerusalem Pizza run if we had time in Elizabeth but it wasn't a thing to get expensive food and drinks.
My girls are serious students. I'm grateful that they have active social lives but would be shocked if they behaved like this during finals. I'd also be horrified at the entitlement described.

amother

Outerspace

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:37 pm

maybe it's time to cut out finals season altogether and have regular school in June, with regular tests as opposed to finals?

I would feel bad for the teachers tho, who are used to being off for 2 weeks in June, excepting proctoring and marking...

amother

Lemon

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:59 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

Oh please. The fancy restaurants is not a Lakewood thing. It's a hanging out with the fancy crowd thing.....
(For example, I present my niece in the 5 towns w her own car and cc. She lives this fancy life and has a lot of pressure to keep up. Her parents can afford it, but still retain their middle class values so bristle at it LOL)

Read keyms notes on Lakewood. Most girls are in the pizza stores and bagel shops just like you said you did!

And they're not doing it every day for a full meal. They're usually picking up a treat. I've put 2 daughters through high school in different crowds ( but both not "fancy") and they were basically the same.

I gave them 20 to $30 a season and drove them around town (usually they took the bus to the friend). Yes they go swimming some days because most of lakewood high schoolers at this point either have a pool or have an aunt who does. So every few days one of their study partners has this access....It's a great FREE break. Only needs a ride.....

My girls have said that my contributions are in line w their friends parents.

The driving does get crazy due to the size of Lakewood and traffic, but that's not the girls fault.
I really like the no driving rule because imagine the hefkerus all year if there wasn't that restriction. Buy it means 8 need to pay the price and chauffeur.

And as I said above. I work a full time job and have babies and littles still. But that should not get in the way of my daughters life at this very special and brief stage.

In high school in the 90s I took 3 and 5 APs in 11th and 12th and honors kodesh. So not a light load.. My friends and I had the time for very similar things to my girls now. We didn't need to study all day after 1:00 dismissal! Through we worked hard and did study a lot!!

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