Finals - Chizzuk needed, I am beyond frustrated

imasinger

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 9:49 pm

My first thought is that your plan of bending a little on reconsideration, but only a little, is very good.

My second thought is that the calm conversation could be worth its weight in gold. If you're able to help her see that it's not responsible to assume that the "stress" of finals means you can overspend impulsively on food, "study" sessions, and outings, it will be well worth the expenses and challenges of this week.

Ask her what might be a reasonable plan -- how many pizzas or expensive coffees, how many rides, etc. Let her think about it when it's just behind her, and she's seeing more clearly. Then, write it down and show her at the appropriate time next year. You can remind her to try to earn a little extra spending money ahead of time.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 10:12 pm

Also, driving your daughter around does not mean you're at her "beck and call".
I am available, my husband's is available, at certain times. She needs to work around that and plan ahead as much as possible (though not always). She coordinates with her friends for rides (ie carpool). But yes it's a lot of driving.

To someone who asked. The driving around is a Lakewood thing as most schools do not allow licenses until after graduation so 100% ofvtge girls are at the mercy of their parents and post hs sisters, or, alternatively, expensive taxi services. Otherwise my daughter is in an academic school and is studying plenty, but 90% of the time with friends and they like to pick up lunch and ice coffees etc. I will note that they coordinate that with studying at a house near the eatery.

I did the same in my tiny oot city in the 90s, sans the ice coffees, but with 50% or more of students driving and plenty with access to cars. I pretty much never needed my parents to drive. Even in 9th grade there were big sisters or their friends to beg for a ride.

keym

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 10:16 pm

amother Lemon wrote:

Same here
And studying literally did not happen until someone made a slurpee run, picked up slurpees for everyone and then we'd buckle down and study.

Ok. Iced coffee is more expensive than slurpees.
But there's a precedent

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 10:30 pm

I was in target today and it was so cringe to see a group of like 7 HS girls running around like hooligans, touching electronics displays and snapping photos, tearing apart the entire lingerie/ underwear section (!!!) and yelling... this is a 'top' HS here in lkwd.

I'm not so old- I'm 32, a lakewood girl, in my days the most 'out there' girls went to lord and taylor and tried on jeans in the dressing rooms during finals... we all felt mucho cool hanging out at the lake in mid of the day during finals and then walking home... but then again, lakewood was much smaller etc.

I think we need to think abt personal safety issues more than anything else- girls running around in ubers and lakeways, ending up in random houses with random ppl around at all random hours, texting at all random hours...

amother

Tomato

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 10:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have a sweet natured regular 16 yr old daughter. We normally get along great.
I am so angry now I can't calm myself down.
She thinks that I am an Uber driver/take out store delivery lady,and ATM machine so that her royal highness can study for finals LIKE ALL HER OTHER FRIENDS.

I gave her a certain amt of extra allowance money for extra food treats during the final weeks as a gift just like I did by midterms, she has plenty of her own money as well.

Do all the other mothers really drive them from friend to friend, to take out stores, to pools etc? They are having so much fun, they are barely studying.

I currently just had a major blowup with her when she made a snooty comment about having to use her own money since I didnt give her enough. I am feeling guilty abt the blowup but in general I feel like her friends also are feeling entitled to have their poor mothers at their beck and call while they run around town spending money having fun.

Am I the only one that feels this way?
And does anyone have some advice how I can amend this - still have another week to go...

The part in bold is what I am confused about. Stores? Pools? Having fun?!

Yes, we've done the driving (or walking them, if it's close by but too late at night for them to walk home alone) for study sessions with friends or to work on group projects. I think we may have covered a cab - maybe once? Twice? I'm fine with getting extra snacks in the house, or letting them do a store run to get some extra study nosh. No, I'm not covering fancy take out, but something to help them stay up and study longer? Sure. If they are really stressed I may even pick up something they really like for dinner, but it will be a favorite brand of yogurt or mac and cheese mix that they'll make themselves, not something from a real take out place (if they wanted something like that I'd make them cover it themself).

All this is study based though. Pools, malls, or whatever fun activities you are discussing are not, as far as I am concerned, study or school related, and therefore they'd get handled (covered vs not covered, driven vs not driven) to the same degree they would on any random weekday. Furthermore, if they wanted to go off and do all that, there would definitely be a conversation first as to whether they've already done some studying that day, or will be back early enough to put some real work in that evening. It's not a bossy, angry sort of conversation, just more of a reality check conversation, where I make sure that said child knows where his/her priorities should be.

amother

DarkYellow

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 11:43 pm

Yup.
Joining the club here.
Coming from bp, we didn't have this at all.
I walked everywhere, the only time we went swimming was in camp. Lol
I.live in tr now , my daughter literally has a calendar with all her study sessions marked down a month ago, whos studying with whom, whos house..
Pool parties every other night.

So hard to pick up my daughter from friends 20 min each way, with a 4 month old, and other kids, and also hard to have 2-6 other girls in my house all day, evening, and night..

The biggest pain was my daughter asked if she can go shop with friends straight from school, , I assumed in the store 10 min from my house, she ended up in a store in howell, 30 min away from my house..
Shes still up and on the phone, yapping, its 11.42
Cant wait for finals to be over!

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 8:42 am

amother Celeste wrote:

My dh and son just left for maariv. My daughter is sad sad sad. She said it's just so hard to hear everyone talking in school about all their fun. I said I'm sorry it's hurtful to be left out. She said no it's not even that. I just feel like a loser. I think I am a loser. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry op. I know I'm not supposed to hijack your thread. I don't even know anything anymore... crazy how we can feel such different things from the same time...

Anyway sorry again. Thanks for listening and letting me get this off my chest.

BIG HUGE HUGS. I hope you take my words as helpful and not hurtful. Your daughter needs to learn to initiate. It is a skill and can be learned. She has to learn to take a deep breath and hop along with a group. It's hard but it's doable. I recommend social skills therapy if possible, it can be such a game changer for a teen.

And yes, I'm super grateful that my daughter learned the ropes of this, and by now, she has girls calling to include her. It starts with initiating, with literally "tagging along" with groups of girls you never met before and you don't even know if you want to be friends with them, and then, learning who you do want to join, and then ultimately, they let you know. It's a process and it can be learned by those to whom it doesn't come naturally.

Again, please take my words for what they are intended to be. I know how painful this is for your daughter, because I was her in high school. I grew into myself later.

ETA in my day, I did have plenty of study friends - different landscape, and because I was strong academically, I had people asking me to study with them. The pain hit midwinter vacation, when suddenly they forgot we were friends. And it simmered during finals, when they remembered.

Last edited by Chayalle on Wed, Jun 14 2023, 8:46 am; edited 1 time in total

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 8:44 am

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

Is this another Lakewood thing?

I ask in all seriousness because when I was in high school, Finals weeks was incredibly stressful and I had no time to socialize - let alone gad around time and eat out. I was holed up in my room studying. LOL

The exams were difficult - this seems alien that girls would have so much free time that it was essentially like a week off school break.

It's a this-generation-in-Lakewood thing.
I was at a wedding last night - my best friend's DD! - and was shmoozing with a good old friend who is a high school mechaneches in one of Lakewood's very popular high schools. And she told me this generation is not remotely like we were once upon a time.

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 8:48 am

BTW I definitely set limits with my teen. I do drive her here and there, but for the most part, I expect her to take the bus to wherever from school (and let me know who she is going to, or who is coming here) and I will pick her up when they are done. So that's once a day. (and then I pray that it's not to Toms River. And I tell her that can't be a daily occurrence.)

I treat her here and there during finals (I bought pizza and fries for her and friend one day, and yesterday it was just her - no test today - and other DD was home, and I bought sushi for all). But she knows very well that the rest of the time it's her babysitting money. Not even a discussion.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 9:36 am

keym wrote:

Did you not study with friends or in a group with snacks?

In my day we studied max 3 girls together. No huge groups. We studied and took finals seriously . We didn’t party . We’d go to each other’s homes . One of us would put up a pot of macaroni and cheese for lunch or frozen pizza and then we’d nosh on pringles and other stuff and that’s it. (No fancy cafe lunches and iced coffees) .
Also, I lived in Brooklyn , so we walked. We were much more independent because of that . But if it was too late to walk home , we’d have sleep overs instead. Parents were completely uninvolved during final times. And we used our own babysitting money or had a few extra dollars from our parents .
What people are describing sounds loony. I know DS struggles with this during Bein Hazmanim, claiming the boys are having “fun” all the time. Here and there we will carpool and let him go have fun with his friends . But it’s not constant and he doesn’t expect an insane amount of money either . And yes, sometimes he doesn’t get to do what other kids get to do because their parents are willing to do all this. That’s ok. We don’t all have to be copy cats and spend our lives living exactly the same.

keym

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 9:44 am

amother Babyblue wrote:

I don't go for the extreme partying and BH my daughter doesn't either.
But the reality is that Lakewood isn't Brooklyn. It's not walkable and there's no public transportation.
I think it's ok to say that you don't want to participate in the pools, cafes and huge parties.
But I don't think it's ok to tell your kid that you're not picking them up, you're not driving them to normally studying activities because your parents in Brooklyn didn't drive you, you walked.

Look I was raised OOT with good public transportation. We took public transportation home from play practices so our parents didn't have to be involved (except the midnight dress rehearsal). And like a previous poster commented, girls had their licenses and cars.
Unfortunately, here in Lakewood there is no public transportation and high school girls don't have their licenses. That's life in Lakewood. Now I have to do play carpool. That doesn't make my daughter entitled or the request unreasonable.

amother

Jean

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 9:53 am

My 9th grade daughter sat home all afternoon/evening studying by herself. She really struggles academically and is determined to pass. That’s all she wants at this point with the work being on overload now- just to pass. She said someone asked her in school if she wanted to study together but dd said she wanted to go home to study because she can study better on her own. At 7pm after studying for almost 7 hours (and asking me to test her) another friend called to see if she can come over to study but dd said we were going out so it wasn’t a good time. She continued studying until 11:30 with some breaks.
8th grade daughter went to a friends house to study. It was a group of 5 girls. She went straight from school and came home at 9pm. When she came home she said she didn’t really study and began studying a little with many phone breaks.
Each child is so different.
If I could have an input on how the school system is run I would say to abolish midterms and finals.
There’s really no need for this.
What’s the point?

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 9:54 am

keym wrote:

I understand the issue in regards to having to carpool. But I’m surprised to read about all the other things the girls are doing and are expecting to do .

keym

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 9:58 am

amother Babyblue wrote:

I understand the issue in regards to having to carpool. But I’m surprised to read about all the other things the girls are doing and are expecting to do .

Which is why imo, parents need to sit down with their child and plan in advance and figure out their boundaries.
What will the parents drive to?
What not?
What will the parents pay for?
What not?
Does the child have a way to pay?
Is it fair or reasonable to expect a teenager, especially if they have self-esteem stuff be the only one in their circle missing out on activities.

This is actually where having relationships with Rabbanim has been useful in clarifying expectations.