PSA: If you're at a simcha & you get a call/text

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

Expecting someone to say up with your crying baby till after 3AM, is absolutely not the same as baby being at their daytime sitter. Nighttime is generally harder on the child.

In this case you’re in the right since you were forced into it.
I don’t force anyone into it (this happens once every few years, not more than that) I take offers from close people who in the worst case scenario are ready to put up with my child.
But bh they never had to deal with any crying late at night etc! It worked out for me bh!

amother

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:08 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

But even if you don't pressure anyone in to it, if you know your child is awake or crying for hours on end, it is absolutely very rude of you to not pick up the child & expect them to be awake with your kid till the wee hours of the morning.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

I hear you, it never got to that bh.
What would you say if it’s the kallahs sibling that is being babysat, and the mother is at her daughters wedding?

amother

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:25 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

I hear you, it never got to that bh.
What would you say if it’s the kallahs sibling that is being babysat, and the mother is at her daughters wedding?

No, because that's a different circumstance & I would expect the parents to place their child at sitters close to the hall so they can be picked up. My mother actually married off afew kids when she had little babies at home, & they were picked up for mitzvah tanz.
Whenever I have a siblings wedding, I either get a sitter at the hall, or near the hall & pick up baby by 11:30-12.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:34 pm

amother Tomato wrote:

Chassidish weddings often go till 2/3/4 including the mitzvah tanz. She knew there was mitzvah tans when she agreed to take the kid but I guess op you assumed he/ she would sleep?

I feel terrible for you and personally pay (even if it’s family) for babysitting because no, I would not leave the wedding unless it was an emergency of the kid was hysterical if it was important that I was there. So I can imagine leaving a cousins wedding but not a sibling or a niece since we are incredibly close and it’s once in a lifetime.

So a mitzvah tanz is more important than a child who is clearly in distress?

funkyfrummom

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:44 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

Imamother is so funny sometimes.

On a different day, I'm sure everyone would be agreeing with OP. Seems it depends what mood everyone is in when responding Very Happy

This, lol.

I feel for the OP's frustration. I'm sorry, OP. That truly does sound like a hard night, especially that the crying child was waking your own.

I think a lot about this is dependent on age, community norms, the relationship between the OP and the mom of the baby, etc., so I won't weigh in on who was in the wrong or what would have been the proper way to deal with it.

OP, I want to encourage you to set boundaries-- it's actually a good thing. I can't relate to the idea that you were forced into babysitting. That seems like not acknowledging your own participation in the whole dynamic.

If the mom was being awful (begging or nudging or guilt-tripping you or whatnot) then she may have been desperate because it was important for her... or she could be manipulative... or selfish... or she could have bad social skills/etiquette... it sounds like she knew you would cave in, probably b/c she knows you are a helpful and chessedik person.

Obviously, she (the mom) will go on putting people in these kind of situations if people allow it... it enables that behavior.

OP, people will take advantage of you if you let them. I hope from this situation you can see that sometimes it is more important to practice self care and set boundaries... the amount of anger you have towards the couple is not good, it's not ahavas Yisroel. Hindsight is 20/20... in this case it would seem better to have just said no to the initial request. I hope you learned that and just move on.

Busybee5

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 2:55 pm

imaima wrote:

You cannot justify neglecting your child because you need to be a substitute for a deceased person. A death leaves a void but your child is not the orphan here. He/she shouldn’t suffer from this

Exactly, what if the baby/any child suddenly had to go to the emergency room?
Your children always come first no matter what.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 4:18 pm

OP, I'm so curious what would've happened if you would've texted the mom, "Hey, he's not sleeping. I borrowed my neighbor's smartphone and I'm letting him watch shows on the couch."
Would she be mad at you?

Totally of topic. But curious to know how she would have responded. Would she have been there faster? Or cared less because he's calm now.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 6:47 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

This. It's part of watching a child. There's never a guarantee that they will sleep, be perfectly behaved, not cry. Unless the child seems sick, that's just part of watching the child.

Some crying expected, but not for hours.

Part of being a parent is not letting your child cry for hours fir a non-emergency.

amother

Milk

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 7:03 pm

DrMom wrote:

If you agreed to babysit -- whether you wanted to or not -- then you are a babysitter by definition and this is part of your responsibility.

If you can't soothe a crying baby, don't agree to babysit for one.

I guess next time the parents ask her to babysit, op will say no, no matter how much they pressure her.
It's pretty short sighted of the parents if they ever intend to ask her again.

amother

Sage

Tue, Jan 02 2024, 7:25 pm

amother Milk wrote:

I guess next time the parents ask her to babysit, op will say no, no matter how much they pressure her.
It's pretty short sighted of the parents if they ever intend to ask her again.

I suspect the next time ANYONE asks OP to babysit, she will rightfully say no.

amother

Mocha

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 2:46 am

amother OP wrote:

I agree that it's absurd & out of hand.

I come from a double digit family from both sides. Absurd and out of hand doesn’t even adequately describe it. But if I chv leave before mitzvah tantz ends I’m given dirty looks.
I have a toddler too and several upcoming weddings and I'm so nervous as to how he will behave. I would be delighted to leave the wedding after dancing, but alas….

imaima

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 7:56 am

amother Mocha wrote:

So what if you get dirty looks? Like what’s the big deal?

amother

Tomato

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 8:38 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

So a mitzvah tanz is more important than a child who is clearly in distress?

Read again, she said the child was calm when rocked. My kids aren’t good sleepers so they can be up for hours and not “distressed”. I specifically wrote that if the kid wasn’t calm I would come back.

I get babysitters very infrequently and it’s usually close family like a niece, they know my kids aren’t good sleepers and are ready to deal.

amother

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 8:56 am

amother Tomato wrote:

I said that the child was quiet when rocked in the stroller & after an hour, I didn't have the energy anymore to rock the stroller. So from 12-3:15 the child was either crying or running around.