Could have gone on a Pesach Program

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach

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B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 10:55 pm

So I suspected this is a troll, the inferior grammer doesnt shtim with a girl raised in a wealthy home, the reference to eating lamb chops (as opposed to referring to resting at the pool or reading in the lounge) ...but who cares, do we really know if any of these scenarios are real?

amother

Leaf

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

It’s the OP here and I guess I should have phrased things better. Bottom line is I am expected to do more work than my MIL. We are going because it is Kivud Av vEim but I am struggling with that mitzvah. It is frustrating because we are only doing this to honor my in Laws but my in laws don’t work hard they just delegate. They expect my husband to work very hard, for example right after I gave birth they booked a hotel for Shabbos without asking us and we had to host them for Shabbos. I couldn’t turn them away once they were in our city.

It is frustrating because we spend plenty of time with them, it isn’t like they never see my baby. But now we will be looking at pics of my family relaxing and having fun while we are slaving away. I guess I will take the mussar and try to refocus to allowing the opportunity for my baby to spend time with cousins. I just wish we had a different situation or it would be socially acceptable for us to say we need to be provided food if we’re by you or we will not work harder than you.

I’m sorry but it’s not your mother in laws job to do the work even though she is hosting you. When you say not providing food does she not have enough in the house? Or she just isn’t making it for you?

And no you’re not slaving away, you’re making pesach and honoring your in laws that’s a huge zechus

amother

Gray

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:07 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

I actually sometimes wonder if ppl post these kind of things because they r on the other side and are trying to feel it out. So for example here maybe the poster is really the mother in law and her son and daughter wont come to her for pesach🤔

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:19 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

I think halachically, if one puts their foot down and insists on you coming to their home for Yuntif, they do have to provide the food. And prepare it - not just buy the potatoes and onions.
If you cant host, then dont. But to invite with the expectations that the guests will work beyond the normal helping serve or clear, is wrong.

If MIL wants a family Pesach but cant do it herself, its OK to invite and spell out - we are all chipping in with the meals, what can you bring? And then OP can decide to buy it rather than make it.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:20 pm

amother Gray wrote:

I thought about that too.. Very Happy

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:24 pm

So I asked dh, and his response is that its normal for women to be expected to peel the potatoes- Banging head

So I rephrased, we are invited to my parents for Sukkot and you get there and my father points you to the garage so you can shlep out the suka, build it, then go to the arba minim market for him....Suddenly hes quoting halacha why that would be wrong.... LOL

water883

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:44 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

So I asked dh, and his response is that its normal for women to be expected to peel the potatoes- Banging head

There's a difference between can you help me peel some potatoes and please plan, shop, cook and serve the meal... theoretically of course 😅

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Apr 16 2024, 11:52 pm

amother Gray wrote:

I don’t think most MILs that expect things from kids are that self aware to think of their child’s perspective. Most MILs only think about themselves Sad

amother

Maize

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 12:07 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for better understanding situation. I know in the past if the kids aren’t around they will go on pesach program. So it is very clearly they don’t want to work. The problem is both me and my husband love spending time by my family and have a hard time by his. It’s just difficult to navigate as a young couple how to say no we wont come in future it was too difficult for us.

can you only go to your in laws second days?
this way the bulk of the work won't fall on you (kashering, turning over the kitchen, the shopping..)
but you'll still spend some with your in laws..
its interesting that you write that your husband also likes being with your parents...I think it's tellling... (like your husband isn't pressuring you to be at your in laws...sounds like he also wants to go to your parents...)

amother

Emerald

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 12:12 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

I don’t think most MILs that expect things from kids are that self aware to think of their child’s perspective. Most MILs only think about themselves Sad

I wouldn’t have thought I’d have to mention this but you do realize if you have kids you’re going to turn into a mil someday, right? At that point do you think you’re going to grow horns and a tail and start thinking only of yourself and become a selfish, horrible, inconsiderate word that imamother doesn’t let me use?

amother

Latte

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 12:18 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

I don’t think most MILs that expect things from kids are that self aware to think of their child’s perspective. Most MILs only think about themselves Sad

I disagree. There are nice MILs out there who think highly abt their DILs. For example, my MIL. She's the best ever! (aside from my mother Wink

) I try to think what would be easier for her sometimes because she's always thinking what's better for me.

amother

Jean

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 2:02 am

amother Emerald wrote:

This.

Plus you age physically

amother

Whitewash

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 3:13 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

There’s need and want.

If they want you to stay for all of pesach but every year that your not there they manage just fine then you don’t have to feed their every want.

If they are elderly and they need you and your husbands physical assistance to make pesach it’s a different story.

OP sounds more like a want of his parents.
Visiting on chol hamoed would be a good way to fulfill their wants without feeling resentful.

Once you have a growingish family your last patagraph makes sense. Things become impractical.

But for someone with a tiny family, how sad to regelate the poorer side to never having you for yom tov ot the Seder because it isnt as nice as yoi *gasp* need to pitch in. Not eveeyone is superwoman that can do it all themselves!!!

Everyone, no promises life that you are able to afford spacious guest suites and do it all yourself - does that meaj no family! It seems on imamother to be so!

Kudos to op for focusing on family, even if its not as much fun and nice as her side!!! Its totally ok for her to vent here on whats shes missing. Take this outlet then go pitch in and be a part of yom tov with your husband's family with a smile.

amother

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 3:42 am

It’s the OP again and I’m definitely going to take the mussar and work on myself and my entitlement. We can’t just split yuntif, it’s too impractical with flight costs to only come for half.

There was a comment about how I would feel if my son didn’t come to me for yuntif and if it was because he was going on a vacation I couldn’t give him, I truly believe I would be happy for him. I would feel guilty if they were squished at me and if they were by me I would do everything to make their experience comfortable like hiring a cleaner to make the beds and make bathroom clean.. I wouldn’t have them arrive to unmade beds and hand them a broom to start sweeping. I would cook plenty of dishes to make them feel treated and welcome. Hachnosis orchim I guess comes easier to me.
But apparently it’s normal to expect guests to work and clean so I guess when we get there I will make our beds and sweep and such. It’s just definitely culturally different than what I’m used to and how we treat guests. Which I guess is because I am a “spoiled brat” as some have pointed out.
But additionally for the people who said I should host pesach, the only reason why I am complaining is because we have a wonderful option to relax and renew and instead we were kinda forced into this. If I didn’t have any other options, I would be grateful to join this. It is more the disparity between the two and the lack of empathy and understanding about what we are giving up to be with them. Not once has my in laws said thank you to choose to spend yuntif with us, knowing the sacrifice we had to make.

Additionally for the people so convinced this is a troll post, I am deeply offended. Just because someone’s problems are different than your own doesn’t mean they aren’t valid to them. Now we are all hiding beneath a computer screen and with anonymity comes more rawness. But I do wish that for future posts, try not to ask if this is a troll post. It completely invalidates the other person and is unnecessary. If you want to add mussar, that is helpful.

amother

Strawberry

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 3:47 am

OP, I am totally with you on this. Kol hakavod for what you're doing !

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 3:55 am

You definitely get credit for going
Did they ask you to come? To help them?
If they have money why don't they have help
It is weird to expect your guests to make their beds
Cooking and serving is more regular

amother

Moonstone

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 4:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Op, I come from a really dysfunctional and abusive family.
But when I would post an isolated scenario I would get responses that were very very off mark.
At first I would start doubting my self and my experience and take the responses very personally.
Over the years I learnt a few things
1) some people are so far removed from dysfunction that they really can't understand it.
They might try to understand by comparing something they did or went through.
For ex- They might have hosted some seminary girls or bachurim and handed them sheets on a winter friday and deduct that you are being spoiled by refusing to make your bed, but really it is not comparable.
2) Statistically there will be a percentage amount of dysfunctional and abusive people on this site. They might be the ones posting the responses that are very invalidating.
3) It is hard to really differentiate between dysfunction and entitlement online. The nuances don't always come through the screen. Which is why venting to friends will always win over imamother.

amother

Poinsettia

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 4:14 am

I personally find going to someone’s house and the beds aren’t made for us to be triggering and would never do that to guests.
Your in laws sound like my mother. We would all go and were expected to do everything from shopping and cleaning to cooking and serving. Yes my mother is divorced and doesn’t have a lot of money and of course we would help but the helplessness and victimization and unsaid expectations were a lot.

Now we make Pesach and host my mother and siblings and I enjoy it so much more despite the financial burden and work.

LovesHashem

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 4:18 am

amother Latte wrote:

I disagree. There are nice MILs out there who think highly abt their DILs. For example, my MIL. She's the best ever! (aside from my mother Wink

) I try to think what would be easier for her sometimes because she's always thinking what's better for me.

Same! Mine would 100% tell me to go away for pesach if we could afford it and be so happy for me. They don't feel like we "owe" them Pesach or chagim. They always always tell us to do what works best for us and what's easiest for us.

amother

Birch

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 5:19 am

I was one who suggested splitting yt differently. I would also suggest you be dlz.

You don't know what your mil is used to as normal. It could be in her circles its not a big deal for married children to throw on linen fresh when they come. Or maybe she wears a smile and doesn't complain but has back pain and that would explain a lot. If she just comes from dysfunction and has never figured out how not dysfunction looks, but maybe just really loves her son and you and wants to spend one of the most special family times with her children on occasion or maybe fil does too, its not evil. Its part of normal life. Maybe they even understand that its much nicer with your family but don't want to feel like they lost their heart, their children, over money which is decreed by Hashem anyway.

Doing it for your husband with a smile is one of the most thoughtful things you can do. He doesn't get another father or mother or siblings. This is it for him. And that's what they come with. Iyh one day you'll be able to treat them as guests of your own and these issues won't be anymore.

Try to highlight the good. The main thing in a family is the love and the relationships. Every potato you peel lkavod yt is schar in multiple ways. You are fulfilling so many mitzvos with each one. It is an opportunity for you. A different yt for sure, but its up to you to grow spiritually to make it into the best possibility. Instead of focusing on how it is, you can grow as a person by focusing on what you can give.

Also, I hope you understand that not everyone treats their married children like guests and act like a hotel. Yt is sooooo much work for those who don't have. Don't pass up the opportunity to really take the entire experience to really understand what Hashem has blessed your parents and your childhood with materialistically. An exercise in appreciation and thankfulness to a level you rarely will experience.

It's definitely a unique challenge and I hope you will update us after the chag to how it went.

I am very truly impressed by your interest in hearing mussar here so that you should grow as a person and truly understand that you are just being brutally honest and very open about sharing the struggle you are facing inside of you. You definitely are brave!

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