Could have gone on a Pesach Program

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach

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View latest: 24h 48h 72h

chestnut

Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:45 pm

OP has responded once or twice in 9 pages? Must be slaving away at her in-laws already, scrubbing, turning over, shipping, and cooking.

notshanarishona

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 4:56 am

chestnut wrote:

Oh please, OP has a baby. The concept of going to parents with teens has zero to do with this post.

I don’t think anyone should be pressured to going away for yom tov, regardless of how short they have been married.

notshanarishona

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 4:57 am

chestnut wrote:

Oh please, OP has a baby. The concept of going to parents with teens has zero to do with this post.

I don’t think anyone should be pressured to going away for yom tov, regardless of how short they have been married.

Comptroller

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 6:16 am

amother Ultramarine wrote:

That sounds nice and fair, but don't her in-laws ever deserve the pleasure of having their son and grandchildren at their Seder table, just because his wife grew up going to hotels?!

If you're not making Pesach at home, the fair thing is to alternate yearly where you spend the Seder. And yes, if you want, you can spend the Seder at one family and the end of Yom Tov at the other, so you can always get a few days in a hotel, but give both sets if parents their share!

They could also go with her parents for pessach and visiti with his parents on sukkot. Or during summer vacation.

Another mom

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 8:01 am

Ok - I also think the other parents (non Hotel) deserve to have the kids for Pesach!! Even if you say "We'll come for another Shabbos- YT \" it's not the same. Seder night is another ball game! So many memories - minhagim- etc etc. So many of my friends and married kid's friends alternate. Hotel or no hotel on the other side.
That's part of being married. And btw, my aunt offered her DD and family to go to a hotel. Her dd (My cousin) lives in EY. So Cousin (with 3-4 kids) said "No, it's a waste of money. There are so many things you can do with x amt of dollars". And they stayed home, everyone cooked together and it was a lovely chag. Very lovely!

amother

Tanzanite

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 8:05 am

Making beds- I am around 60. I have kids with BH 3-5 kids who come for Shb. I put out the linen and they make the beds or I do it with DD after candle lighting. There is so much to do! Not everyone has cleaning help! And if I do find time + energy, they are so appreciative. So it shows that it's not expected.
I'm a house not a hotel, although it is very nice to come to visit someone and the beds are made. But these are my children and they get it.

amother

Tanzanite

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 8:33 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

Some ppl ask to bring sheets. (Also ok) . So at least we are doing the laundry Thumbs Up

chestnut

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 8:58 am

notshanarishona wrote:

I don’t think anyone should be pressured to going away for yom tov, regardless of how short they have been married.

This isn't the case of going away vs staying home. OP obviously wasn't going to stay home.

zaq

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 12:40 pm

Comptroller wrote:

They could also go with her parents for pessach and visiti with his parents on sukkot. Or during summer vacation.

From the tone of the OP, it isn't about who gets the dubious pleasure of her company for the sedarim. The apt. won't be any more spacious in the summer and the food won't be any more lavish over Sukkot. This princess doesn't want to go to her inlaws, period, and is looking for excuses not to.

amother

Green

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 1:14 pm

zaq wrote:

Right, but if her own family is making yomtov at home and she doesn't feel that she is missing out on the hotel, it will be easy easier for her to go and behave pleasantly.

Look, a very a special person with exemplary middot may give up her hotel vacation in order to honour her in laws who express their strong desire for the couple to spend Pesach with them. Op may just be a young woman who still needs to grow up a little before she reaches that level of maturity allowing her to put others before herself. As I said before, assuming that she she visits and behaves herself at other times during the year, I don't find her desire to spend Pesach at a hotel so unbelievably outrageous.

amother

Sand

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 1:23 pm

chestnut wrote:

OP has responded once or twice in 9 pages? Must be slaving away at her in-laws already, scrubbing, turning over, shipping, and cooking.

She/he found a job cleaning cars instead of hanging out on ima.

amother

Birch

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 1:27 pm

zaq wrote:

Let's be real, most young married women have an adjustment to make to married life, and some maturity happens as we get older. For a young woman to adjust to such a disparity takes adjustment! It's not in her comfort zone and she is trying. Iyh she will get there. For a younger newlier married to come ask for us to give her mussar shows she is special on the inside and will probably adjust very well over time. Try to remember your circle of friends when you were in that age group [for those who are no longer in the 20's] or first decade of married life. She isn't complaining irl, just looking for help with her true inner struggle and real feelings here.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 1:45 pm

zaq wrote:

I didnt read it that way...She IS going and she was not looking for excuses, just empathy for what she is giving up.

Cheiny

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 4:03 pm

zaq wrote:

That’s pretty harsh, insulting, and unfair.

amother

Ivory

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 4:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hi,
I married a different background which didn’t bother me except when it comes to Pesach! My family goes on 5star programs and my in laws spend Pesach stuffed into a small apartment and eating very minimally. I always thought my in laws would understand but this year they put their foot down and we have to be with them for yuntif. I am nervous I am going to have to work, cook, clean… because my in laws are very helpless. They don’t really know how to take initiative and I know my sister in law tends to do a lot. I am just super frustrated because my family will be relaxing and eating lamb chops while I am peeling potatoes. And we are also super stressed if they will offer breakfast/lunch or we will have to eat out all those meals while still being there. I know I have a bad attitude about this but is it wrong if I put my foot down and not be helpful? I don’t really understand why we aren’t getting catering or going on a program because they can afford it they just don’t like to spend. It would be fine if they took care of things but it will end up being me and my sister in law.

Welcome to the way the other half lives. Most of us have never been to a 5 star Pesach program, or any Pesach program and likely never will.

A few thoughts:
1. While I'm sure being at a hotel with your family and lounging at the pool is lovely, it's nice to spend some time with your husband's family too.
2. It's not for you to decide if they can or can't afford a Pesach program and if they should or should not go. We could also afford a Pesach program - not easily - but we could cut some other expenses and make it happen if we wanted. We don't want. It's not for everyone.
3. Why do you say your ILs are so helpless? Apparently they've been making Pesach at home a lot of years without you. I'm sure they know what they're doing.
4. Yes, you need to help. Or at least offer. It's rude not to pitch in.
5. Since it's not a hotel, probably there will not be a breakfast smorgasbord. But that doesn't mean you have to go out to eat every breakfast and lunch. I mean, your husband grew up there, right? he can find a pan to make eggs in, no?
6. Try to look on the bright side. Think of how much more you will actually appreciate the hotel program next Pesach.

amother

Daphne

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 4:32 pm

Cheiny wrote:

That’s pretty harsh, insulting, and unfair.

Harsh, insulting but completely fair.

zaq

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 5:30 pm

OP would you PLEASE correct the title to "could have gone"? Every time I see it, it's as jarring as hearing a piano out of tune and a choir singing flat.

amother

Narcissus

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 6:13 pm

I am going to look at this from OP's viewpoint. Never mind, that she's rich and entitled. Don't you think her husband's parents knew what they were getting? There are many instances, and I'm not saying her husband is one of them, but there are many guys who specifically are looking to marry someone rich. So her in-laws knew they were getting a rich girl so that their son has an easy life. Why would his mother insist they come stay in her tiny apartment when her son could be enjoying himself at a 5 star hotel? I think if my son was in that situation, I'd happily give him permission to join his in-laws.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:10 pm

zaq wrote:

OP would you PLEASE correct the title to "could have gone"? Every time I see it, it's as jarring as hearing a piano out of tune and a choir singing flat.

Totally agree but I suspect that with so few OP follow ups, OP isnt here.

chestnut

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:49 pm

amother Narcissus wrote:

Every single year?

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