Why does favoritism cause

amother

Tan

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:03 am

amother OP wrote:

what are examples of favoritism?

Always listening to one kid first if they are fighting and taking their side (taking sides in general is a bad idea unless specific scenarios warrant it at times)
More nicer/better/more/thought out gifts.
Spending specifically more time on them. Making their favorite foods not often. Taking more interest in their lives. Celebrating their milestones/ wins more than others. (Again where appropriate. I don't Celebrate my oldest walking. But I def do when the baby did!)
If there are multiplamw ages/ stages catering to that specific child age/ stage.
Telling that child in front of other they are the favorite and only that child.
Letting everyone know not to bother that kid....

Mostly it's subtle.
Even just an extra smile here and there and not for the others. Usually the hidden ones are the most painful.

amother

Freesia

Sun, May 05 2024, 4:21 pm

amother Tan wrote:

I have 4 children and I absolutely do have a favorite.
It's simple to understand. 2 of them are ND. Ones the baby. (OK she's everyone's favorite!) And then there is that one NT child who's so easy to connect to and raise and is smart, Beautiful, (my others are drop dead gorgeous too and above average brilliance too kyh) kind, has the funniest sense of humor and just the right amount of curiosity and obedience.
How could you not?
He always wakes up with a smile and lights up every room he enters.
My other do similar. But they have adhd possibly hfasd too. And it's 2 of them. Close in age and even though they have a similar diagnosis they are on opposite sides of the spectrum. They are the same gender and they have COMPLETELY different personalities. And can't stand each others guts. Add rigidity and inability to let go, and an intese sense of making sure everything is 'right'
And we have a constant burning fire of machlokas between these too. The screaming and smacking....
And that's with therapy and meds.

So yes, I do have a favorite. Shoot me.

And also yes. I'm EXTREMELY careful not to show it.

I grew up with so much hate towards me becuase I was the favorite and it was common knowledge.

Dh grew up feeling line the favorite but so did all his siblings.
His father really favored every one of his siblings as the favorite. He'd tell them often quietly that they are. Only as adults, after he passed did they realized he did the same to ALL of them. Lol.
His mother did have favorites but growing up she never showed it. But as adults and as she's long and longer an almana it's become very apparent. And dh clearly isn't one of them. And it hurts 😢
As siblings they don't fight but it's very apparent how the family dynamics are playing out.
The favorites will get babysitting help first and be in the know of family news vs dh is the last or one of the last to find out. Unless they need his help /a favor. And even then they might not share just ask for the favor. And dh knows it. He still is a kind person and he will help family out. But it really really hurts.

Some parents have favorites. Due to various reasons. It's a fact and it's ok imo.
What's not ok is to show it.

This sounds like a very toxic approach to me. There’s no way your kids don’t feel it. You justify your favouritism. I’d suggest you speak to a professional on how to learn to love all your kids equally.

amother

Lavender

Sun, May 05 2024, 5:37 pm

To all the parents who use Yaakov avinu as an excuse for favoritism just know that he got punished for it. Yosef was taken away from him and he only got to see him again once he did teshuva at the end of his life. The chances of your child cutting off ties with you are real and I'm not talking about the not favored child I'm talking about the favored one.go ahead spoil the kid what you will create is a monster who thinks they deserve from you everything.

amother

Sun, May 05 2024, 6:25 pm

some have written that some kids are just so much easier to communicate and interact with whilst others are soooo difficult.

does this mean favoring?

I can see by me too, one is so resistant and argumentative etc I have to work very hard to stay calm, not lose it etc and I dont always manage so I end up talking frustrated and being on edge with this one and pleasantly interacting with the other one. it could look like favoring to this difficult child.

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, May 05 2024, 11:28 pm

amother Tan wrote:

I have ND kids who fight and make trouble and are prickly, disobedient kids, and NT kids who are sweet and agreeable and always asking how they can help.

And I love all of them equally.

I don't doubt that some of your kids are more consistently enjoyable than others but if you actually have favorites it's about you, not them.

Quote:

I grew up with so much hate towards me becuase I was the favorite and it was common knowledge.

What an extremely unsurprising twist to the story.

Please deal with this in therapy. Please. Again I don't doubt your kids are genuinely difficult. But there's more going on here and it can easily turn into a vicious cycle.