Why does favoritism cause

amother

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:16 am

siblings to fight?

I know it for a fact. I have seen it.

but why?

amother

Blonde

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:18 am

amother OP wrote:

sibling rivalry?

I know it for a fact. I have seen it.

but why?

seriously?! Why should it not?

cupcake123

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:19 am

What. Why not?
If your boss showed extra love to a coworker for no reason you would start disliking them no? Human nature

amother

Cantaloupe

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:20 am

Because you are pitting them against each other for your love

#BestBubby

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:24 am

A parent showing favoritism is extremely painful.

It is not safe for the child to take out anger against parents, so the favored child is the target.

Child thinks, "if sibling didn't exist, parent would love me more"

amother

Sunflower

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:24 am

The problem with this kind of rivalry is that it’s never outgrown. It’s very painful.

My mother has her favorites. We’re almost 40 and my siblings are amazing humans but it’s still there. It’s never gonna go away.

amother

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:30 am

I have to change the title to fighting.

rivalry and hatred I understand, I guess that auto leads to fighting.

amother

Snow

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:32 am

amother OP wrote:

I have to change the title to fighting.

rivalry and hatred I understand, I guess that auto leads to fighting.

of course it leads to fighting.
rivalry and hatred lead to fighting. period.

amother

Cantaloupe

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:39 am

amother OP wrote:

I have to change the title to fighting.

rivalry and hatred I understand, I guess that auto leads to fighting.

No difference. They are fighting for your love. A parent should never ever let favoritism show.

amother

Trillium

Sun, May 05 2024, 10:57 am

I have 4 kids and I genuinely, honest to Gd, do not have a favorite or a least favorite. It's not something I've ever had to work on either, it's 100% natural. And I think I'm in the majority.

amother

Anemone

Sun, May 05 2024, 11:01 am

I have a hard time understanding favoritism tbh.

I really love them all and cant imagine life without each one of my nutty amazing kids.

I may be more the same type as some of my kids than others but I dont love them more.

amother

Tan

Sun, May 05 2024, 11:11 am

amother Trillium wrote:

I have 4 kids and I genuinely, honest to Gd, do not have a favorite or a least favorite. It's not something I've ever had to work on either, it's 100% natural. And I think I'm in the majority.

I have 4 children and I absolutely do have a favorite.
It's simple to understand. 2 of them are ND. Ones the baby. (OK she's everyone's favorite!) And then there is that one NT child who's so easy to connect to and raise and is smart, Beautiful, (my others are drop dead gorgeous too and above average brilliance too kyh) kind, has the funniest sense of humor and just the right amount of curiosity and obedience.
How could you not?
He always wakes up with a smile and lights up every room he enters.
My other do similar. But they have adhd possibly hfasd too. And it's 2 of them. Close in age and even though they have a similar diagnosis they are on opposite sides of the spectrum. They are the same gender and they have COMPLETELY different personalities. And can't stand each others guts. Add rigidity and inability to let go, and an intese sense of making sure everything is 'right'
And we have a constant burning fire of machlokas between these too. The screaming and smacking....
And that's with therapy and meds.

So yes, I do have a favorite. Shoot me.

And also yes. I'm EXTREMELY careful not to show it.

I grew up with so much hate towards me becuase I was the favorite and it was common knowledge.

Dh grew up feeling line the favorite but so did all his siblings.
His father really favored every one of his siblings as the favorite. He'd tell them often quietly that they are. Only as adults, after he passed did they realized he did the same to ALL of them. Lol.
His mother did have favorites but growing up she never showed it. But as adults and as she's long and longer an almana it's become very apparent. And dh clearly isn't one of them. And it hurts 😢
As siblings they don't fight but it's very apparent how the family dynamics are playing out.
The favorites will get babysitting help first and be in the know of family news vs dh is the last or one of the last to find out. Unless they need his help /a favor. And even then they might not share just ask for the favor. And dh knows it. He still is a kind person and he will help family out. But it really really hurts.

Some parents have favorites. Due to various reasons. It's a fact and it's ok imo.
What's not ok is to show it.

amother

Lavender

Sun, May 05 2024, 11:31 am

amother Tan wrote:

my mom didn't like me from the moment I was born. She had me diagnosed with adhd as a kid BECAUSE of that. When my siblings fought it was "that's what kids do!" But if I even took something back that belonged to me in the first place it was an "inability to let it go" and "just let her have it"
If my siblings were sick they stayed home if I was sick I was "lying because of the adhd"

amother

Lavender

Sun, May 05 2024, 11:33 am

amother Lavender wrote:

Oh in case your wondering no I dont have adhd.

amother

Lavender

Sun, May 05 2024, 11:39 am

amother OP wrote:

siblings to fight?

I know it for a fact. I have seen it.

but why?

As kids my siblings knew they can steal my stuff hurt me whatever and there will be zero consequences. Now they "don't remember" and that hurts more than anything in the whole world.

amother

Tan

Sun, May 05 2024, 11:53 am

amother Lavender wrote:

I'm sorry. That's very sad and not ok. I hope you have healed from it. You did not deserve it.

My children with adhd often get a lot more than my other son, precisely BECAUSE they have adhd. They struggle so much. I want them having as much going for them as they can.

There is a very big age gap between child 1&2 and child 3 and then child 4.
I don't think my children with adhd are bad. Their brain works differently.
The fact that there is such a huge age gap btwn #2 &3 puts them in a completely different social bracket and it helps with not being jelous.

I highly doubt we will buy my 5 yo a $500 + segway like we did when one of my older kids were 10. And stuff like that. Becuase my 5 yo will hopefully not have a need for a social boost and physical exercise / core strengthening like that kid did.
(Was the best $500 we ever spent btw! The core strength and balance my child learned by just having fun ridding around the neighborhood was amazing. We spend years and $$$$ with good ot to work on that. But what ONE single summer on a segway did for her 100%!)

It all depends how a parent sees it.
Imo, her adhd is more my challange than theirs. Becuase I am the responsible adult. And it's my responsibility to do everything in their power to give them the tools to grow up functional and happy good people.
It has also changed me and forced me to work on myself on an insanely deep level.
It has def made me a better parent for my other children too.

Also, I haven't yet told my kids that they have adhd. It might sound crazy. But we talk about struggles and that every person has theirs and some poeple have more and some less and we work on each individual thing. But I also had a diagnosis as a child and I felt like it labeled me and it de-motivated me. All I knew was that I have this diagnosis but not what it means and what it meant for me and what I can do to help it. And I barely had any help or guidance. So for the time being we don't label anything. Although I do think my kid intuitively have picked it up. And I will share if they ask/will bring it up.
Even one of my kids meds, we spoke about concentration that this helps with focusing and executive function. That said child has a deficit just like people take thyroid meds (we have lots of family on thyroid replacement therapy) to replenish what they're missing because otherwise they struggle with crazy fatigue and other things... my kid takes meds for something else. Bh for those tools to help us be happy and content.

I love all my kids to death.

But it is definitely easier with my 5 yo. Its so easy to connect and we can just chill and cuddle and sing and talk. I could never do that with my other kids becuase they didnt have the ability at that age to chill. It was always onto the next destructive behaviour....
And yes I do favor him.

amother

Tan

Sun, May 05 2024, 11:55 am

amother Lavender wrote:

As kids my siblings knew they can steal my stuff hurt me whatever and there will be zero consequences. Now they "don't remember" and that hurts more than anything in the whole world.

Im actually tearing up for you. That is absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry. You did not deserve any of that at all.
You are precious. You deserved love and kindness and fairness.

Giraffe

Sun, May 05 2024, 12:09 pm

amother Lavender wrote:

This is called Cinderella Phenomenon. When parent(s) target one of the child to direct their wrath at.

amother

Cyan

Sun, May 05 2024, 12:21 pm

amother Tan wrote:

Wow I could've written exactly this. I have 2 nd kids, same gender who don't stop going at each other and 1 nt. Yes, of course I do prefer hanging out with my easygoing nt kid vs my 3 nd kids who are polar opposites and can't coexist peacefully for more than 2 seconds.

amother

Sun, May 05 2024, 12:29 pm

what are examples of favoritism?