how to come to terms with 13 y/o DD who wont help out!

Fox

Fri, May 04 2012, 1:06 pm

Well, I have three teenage daughters (17, 16, and 16). Each is incredibly helpful in a different way. I'm not sure if it was anything I did; didn't do; or did accidentally -- all I know is that I'm very, very lucky.

Here are my thoughts in reading this thread:

Avoid the "My Way or the Highway" Mentality
I get a little nervous when I read responses to questions about discipline that say, essentially, "Well, you can't put up with that! This kid needs some discipline. You're the parent!" Well, of course you're the parent. But being a parent doesn't mean being controlling your kid. It means controlling yourself -- in order to help your child be productive and reach goals!

So if the current method of motivating a kid to help (or do anything, for that matter!) isn't working, it's not productive to complain that it should work. You just have to move on and try something else. Above all, don't get into a power struggle with kids; they always win!

I've used a million different ideas and systems to get my kids to help, and a minimum of 999,990 of them failed spectacularly. But what does the cow do when she falls down? She gets up! She doesn't spend time thinking about how wrong it is that she fell down. She simply gets up.

And that's how I believe we have to approach parenting and discipline. If Tactic X isn't working, you move on to Tactic Y. No muss; no fuss; no recriminations.

Today Isn't Forever
To all of us here on imamother, the period of a year is not such a long time in terms of our personality development and maturity. But for a 13-year-old, a year is an eternity! Don't make assumptions that a particular child is or isn't helpful based on her behavior at 13! The same 13-year-old who refuses to lift a finger today may develop a domestic streak in a year or two that will leave you in awe.

"Be Nice to People on Your Way Up; You'll Meet Them on Your Way Down"
There is a concept in business (albeit observed often by its absence) that one should treat others carefully when one is in a position of power or authority -- because one will need friends in low places when one's mazel changes. Applying this to family relationships leads to a bumper sticker I saw recently: "Be Nice to Your Kids! They'll Be Choosing Your Nursing Home!"

Kind of funny, but a good point, IMHO. It's nice to have extra help during a pregnancy or illness, but don't burn bridges in relationships just because a child hasn't reached the developmental stage where he/she can perform as expected.

Don't Hog the Fun Jobs
Long before I had children, I went to a lecture given by Rebbetzin Tehilla Jaeger. She discussed how to get kids to help, and one suggestion made a profound impact on me: "Don't give your kids all the jobs you hate." She mentioned that one of her own DDs was an accomplished baker, who at the time was not enthusiastic about cleaning up after herself in the kitchen. Rebbetzin Jaeger said, "I had to ask myself, 'Do I really want to save time and get help, or do I just want someone else to do the dishes?' If I really want to save time, then what does it matter if she bakes and I wash dishes? I've still saved time!"

I thought that was brilliant, and I really try to incorporate it. I try to give my DDs the jobs that are easiest or most fun, and I do the ickier jobs. I have noticed that as they get older, they will automatically wash a pan out or do other cleanup work that they would have once left for me. But like Rebbetzin Jaeger said, I try to focus on the fact that even if I have to wash the bowl, at least I didn't have to make the cake!

Relax Your Standards
Although my pregnancy days are long gone, I have chronic anemia which is sometimes quite debilitating. As a result, I need my kids' help more during those times. But I make a big point of making jobs as easy as possible for them. For example, I'm a stickler for a beautifully-set Shabbos table. But when my anemia giving me trouble, I buy nice paper goods -- for the sole purpose of making it easier on my DDs. And I make sure to tell them why I'm doing it: "I'm not a big fan of paper, but you're being so helpful that I don't want to cause you any additional work by asking you to wash dishes, too!"

When I read the example about making meatballs, my first thought was, "I was going to make meatballs, but I'm feeling terrible! Can you put the mixture into a loaf pan and stick it in the oven? We'll have meatloaf instead!"

Praise and Gratitude
I realize some posters disagree with the mindset that kids should be praised for helping out, but I think it's just good management. I don't praise effusively, but I thank the kids for every single thing they do. I thank them before they go to bed each night, and I thank them before they go to school each morning. I thank them even if they haven't been all that helpful.

I really believe that praise and gratitude do two things: First, they create a self-fulfulling prophecy. If a child is constantly told how helpful he/she is, it slowly but surely becomes a reality. Second, it sets a great example of hakores hatov for everything that is done for us. So what if the other person has an obligation based on halacha or just good middos? Does it cost anything to thank him/her?

In short (who are we kidding? I never say anthing "in short"!), don't give up. Keep trying different ideas. Keep the ones that work and jettison the ones that don't. But don't get angry at your DD any more than you would a 2-year-old who isn't ready for toilet training. Just because she hasn't matured on your schedule doesn't mean it won't happen!