I can't take this anymore

GreenEyes26

Tue, May 12 2015, 2:06 pm

amother wrote:

With what money?

Even with all that, that doesn't solve the problem. I just cannot work anymore.

He would divorce me for abandoning the family and its needs. He grew up poor because his father chased a ridiculous dream and his mother didn't work. He doesn't want to raise his kids in poverty and views me quitting my job as a family betrayal. He doesn't want to stay with someone who is willing to throw away financial stability because they hate working.

I agree with your husband. See the bolded - why ARE you willing to throw away financial stability just because you "hate" working?

elisheva25

Tue, May 12 2015, 2:07 pm

amother wrote:

Not everyone is cut out to work. I am not. I can't deal with the long hours, the constant thinking and doing. Being a SAHM is easy for me and while a yeshiva education is wonderful, it's not worth the enormous stress placed on me. I'm not going to drug myself for that, especially when we have other options.

Ok I am also a sahm with a few little kids . I do help out my husband p/t in his bussiess. But here is the thing, financially we are able to do so. In some ways I will say it's a luxury. The thing is unfortunately not every women is in that position . I wish every woman can be home raising her kids, I do .... But the reality is many many households do need 2 incomes . But I truly do feel bad for you. You really sound like you are struggling.!

pesek zman

Tue, May 12 2015, 2:09 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so sorry to say this but you are willing to sacrifice (yes , sacrifice) a yeshiva education for your children because you want an easy life. Due respect, if you wanted an easy life, a life without sacrifice, then you shouldn't have had children. Being a parent IS about putting your children's needs above yours. Please do not break up your family because you feel you are not 'cut out for work' do not fool yourself into thinking that everything will be the same for your children, that their father will continue to be in their lives etc. do not fool yourself into thinking that life as a single mom (a grown woman living in her parents basement? Can we say nebuch?) will be any better than it is now. This is called magical thinking. You need therapy and you need it badly.

Iymnok

Tue, May 12 2015, 2:32 pm

Why is everyone bashing the OP? She has thought of alternatives, but is talking to a brick wall. She would homeschool, she may find a part time job from home, she will have time to do money saving activities, her children will be happier with a calm, happy mother.
Her DH has baggage that's not letting him find an alternative in which everyone is happy. He has his vision of how the family should run and his wife is SUFFERING.
Homeschooling and sending to frum highschools while working part time or at night is possible. Creating productive hobbies as lessons for the kids can even create money. Gardening, sewing and the like. It's not mainstream, but it's a viable alternative.

Thinking out of the box may be the best thing.

Barbara

Tue, May 12 2015, 2:45 pm

Things that you might want to consider:

(1) The cost of running two households is much greater than the cost of running a single household. You cannot expect much in the way of support from him, certainly not enough to pay tuition, and certainly not enough to live on your own. Do you really want to rely upon your parents for all of your food, clothing, and recreation? Do you want to go to them to ask for some money if you need a new pair of shoes, or need to buy tampons? Do you anticipate that your parents will continue to support you forever?

(2) Your husband may well sue for custody of the children. There is a possibility that he would be successful. A court might conclude that a parent who leaves her marriage for the prolonged adolescence of living in her parents' basement and being supported by them, so that she does not have to undertake the adult responsibilities of holding down a job, is the less fit parent. Certainly, if I were in your husband's position, I would raise the issue with the Court.

Working is often difficult. It's even more difficult when you're raising children. But it's what adults do when they have bills to pay.

Barbara

Tue, May 12 2015, 2:49 pm

Iymnok wrote:

She says that her kids are "thriving" and "happy." It doesn't appear that they would be "happier" with homeschooling.

imasinger

Tue, May 12 2015, 3:01 pm

OP, I have two questions.

1. Do you mind telling us both a little about what you are doing professionally, and about what you enjoy doing?

It seems to me that there may be some other options than ending your marriage. Like starting a new career in something you enjoy. That will mean some time of belt-tightening, but is a lot easier to sell to your DH than your never working again. Try to find the book "What Color is your Parachute?" and read it.

I have kids with special needs, and have occasionally thought about staying home and homeschooling them.

I don't think about it for very long. I'd probably go insane after a fairly short time. Summers, where "Camp Ima" means being on top of some summer learning as well as some play, and dealing with homework during the school year, are about all I can handle.

2. Why do you and your DH divide earnings and spendings into such rigid departments? Couldn't the two of you think instead about total income and expenditure, rather than which part is his and which part is yours? That might make it easier to be creative about finding something that lent greater joy to your existence.

GreenEyes26

Tue, May 12 2015, 3:12 pm

I don't mean to attack the OP, if that's how I'm coming across. I sincerely want to know why working, at what seems like a flexible and understanding job (a YEAR maternity leave? C'mon, that's almost unheard of! At least in the U.S.), has tipped her over the edge of rationality into a drastic and life-altering alternative. The more we know, the more we can try to help.

amother

Ruby

Tue, May 12 2015, 3:55 pm

Barbara wrote:

Your husband may well sue for custody of the children. There is a possibility that he would be successful. A court might conclude that a parent who leaves her marriage for the prolonged adolescence of living in her parents' basement and being supported by them, so that she does not have to undertake the adult responsibilities of holding down a job, is the less fit parent. Certainly, if I were in your husband's position, I would raise the issue with the Court.

They may be right. OP doesn't sound like a stable parent. "I'm going to live in Mommy and Daddy's basement and play house". You may want to strongly consider that, OP.

Now as people have said, we really don't know details so we're just throwing out thoughts. You didn't mention anything about your SB except that you're both willing to divorce. Does DH work much longer hours than you? Does DH share the work in the house since you both work full time? Can you two sit and discuss finances? someone mentioned - Tuition shouldn't be yours. List all your expenses together and then chip away at different expenses. Then maybe you can get a part job (not in your field if that can't be part time), to earn enough and live more frugally.

What would you do if DH got custody of your kids? Move back home and have a nervous breakdown?

One question - Are most women in your community SAHMs?

SRS

Tue, May 12 2015, 4:12 pm

I'm sympathetic. Working full time and raising children is no picnic. Trying to find a less expensive solution with a husband that won't consider one can't be fun either. Homeschooling could work, it might not work. The pressure of paying for yeshiva can leave one with depressed and nervous feelings knowing that it is on their shoulders because often one salary isn't going to make it happen.

I don't think you should run to medicate yourself, nor do I think you should do the drastic. Give the ladies here more info on what it is about your job that makes you want to turn in your badge and make it stop.

Miri7

Tue, May 12 2015, 4:16 pm

Can you and DH find a neutral third party to sit down with to work out your dilemma?

If I understand correctly, you all have happy kids and a good marriage. Your problem is financial and emotional: you currently need two incomes to pay tuition and other expenses, but you feel terribly unhappy working.

I would find a good therapist to help you work through this together. Would you really rather break up your marriage than work? That just doesn't seem to add up.

If I were you I would first try to explore solutions to your own depression/anxiety before breaking up my family and/or taking my kids out of a school where they are happy. You can try to pinpoint the source of your depression and anxiety and see if you can find solutions, a career change, etc. Depending on your field, you may be able to do consulting or other work.

I think that many parents endure miserable jobs and suffer a lot of anxiety in order to give their kids a good education and a good start in life. I'm not saying you have to be miserable, but you should expect to have some level of sacrifice for your kids. I think most of us here probably do.

Mrs Bissli

Tue, May 12 2015, 4:42 pm

OP, sorry to hear of your frustration. But welcome to the real world where adults take responsibility providing for children and for their education.

There are two basic rules in life regardless of one's circumstances.
Rule #1: there are things you don't want to, but you have to.
Rule #2: there are things you want to, but you cannot.

So what are the constructive choices you and DH have?

1. find a different work where OP will be happier. Thugh not sure how this would work especially if she has decent salary and flexibility, and it doesn't sound like the specific job she's in that is making her unhappy.

2. Propose and negotiate schooling options with DH. Both OP and her DH will need to keep an open mind.
Obviously you think yeshiva tuition is not worth your continuing to put in full time work, and your DH thinks otherwise. What is his fear if your children are home schooled or go to public school? Do you have neighbours or friends doing this? Can they give you feedback? How do you planning to supplement limudei kodesh?

3. Find alternative source for tuition. Can DH find a better paying job to cover tuition?
Do you have parents/relatives who may be able to loan you money? (If so, how do you plan to repay?)
Are there areas you can economise household budgets? Move to a less expensive house?

4. Grit and bear it. That's what many of us do.

As others said, separation/divorce and moving back with parents don't really achieve much. As a matter of fact, giving ultimatum to each other sounds simply childish, rather than discussing a workable solution. (I'm speaking from an experience of having a close friend who argued with her husband about whether to renovate their house or not. It got so nasty they divorced. Now she's struggling financially, just barely able to afford rents for a much smaller flat. Sometimes you don't know how fortunate you are until you lose that.)

OP, count your blessing that you have a good job with pay and flexibility, your DH has a job, and your children are thriving in schools. There are so many people who are dying to get a job like that.

Mrs Bissli

Tue, May 12 2015, 4:47 pm

I just remembered a parable about work (or value of work) I heard some time ago. Maybe something that can give you different perspective.

A prince was riding through the town, and found three builders. He asked each of the men what they were doing. The first builder said, "I'm just layering bricks". The second answered, "I'm trying to feed and provide a roof over my wife and my children". The third builder looked up as if he was looking at a distance and calmly answered "Your Highness, I'm building a cathedral that will last for the next 1000 years."