I can't take this anymore

pesek zman

Tue, May 12 2015, 4:48 pm

Mrs Bissli wrote:

I just remembered a parable about work (or value of work) I heard some time ago. Maybe something that can give you different perspective.

A prince was riding through the town, and found three builders. He asked each of the men what they were doing. The first builder said, "I'm just layering bricks". The second answered, "I'm trying to feed and provide a roof over my wife and my children". The third builder looked up as if he was looking at a distance and calmly answered "Your Highness, I'm building a cathedral that will last for the next 1000 years."

Amazing.

Raisin

Tue, May 12 2015, 4:59 pm

First of all, I am so sorry you feel like this. You sound very overwhelmed.

I think we are missing a LOT of details here. Your marriage can't be that great if you are willing to divorce over this. Also, first you say your job is making you depressed, then you say it is a great job. So what exactly do you hate about working? Not having time for housework? the morning rush? Making supper in the evening? not having time for appointments and siddur parties? How old are your kids? If you have lots of little kids, it will get easier as they get older.

Can you get extra household help - that could make a world of difference. Maybe she could help prepare supper. Having a messy house can be very overwhelming.

Also, maybe just switch to an entirely different field if you can't go part time in your current field.

Sanguine

Tue, May 12 2015, 5:09 pm

Raisin wrote:

Also, maybe just switch to an entirely different field if you can't go part time in your current field.

Become a teacher. Become a teacher in your kid's school. You'll get a real cut in tuition and you'll be home whenever the kids are home. Can't spend quality time when they're not even there. You'l have the summer off to recharge your batteries. Are you in a field that would well with teaching? Maybe your parents can lend you the money for schooling (or do they like the idea of you leaving DH? why??)

Barbara

Tue, May 12 2015, 5:16 pm

sequoia wrote:

And the fact that her husband would DIVORCE HER if she became a stay at home mom... nobody's commented on that???

OP, I have some ideas, don't want to post them here.

She describes him as a "loving and involved father" who works long and hard hours to support the family. With kids who are thriving and happy.

In her first post, OP notes that she has a flexible schedule, allowing her to take year-long maternity leaves, and that the work she does is " varied and interesting." But she doesn't want to work.

It isn't until later that she says that if she quit her job, the "marriage would be over."

But its not the "being a stay at home mom" that appears to be the issue. It's the pulling the kids, who are (according to OP) happy and thriving, out of Jewish schools, and putting them in public school (one of the OP's suggestions) because she doesn't like working. Maybe he doesn't think that they would be happy, or thrive, under those circumstances; maybe he thinks that their education is more important. She does mention homeschooling, but I suppose I have my doubts that someone who cannot tolerate a flexible and interesting job is going to be that much happier homeschooling. Note that when she talks about moving into her parents' basement, she doesn't say, "... and I'll homeschool." She says that then he'll have to pay tuition.

And in any case, he's not the one asking advice about divorcing OP, moving into his parents' basement and letting them support her.

We can all sympathize with the fact that its difficult to work and raise kids. It is. And if OP asked for sympathy, she'd have it. But she didn't. She asked for advice about divorcing her husband so she can go back to Mommy and Daddy and have them support her. And that is a bad idea.

mummiedearest

Tue, May 12 2015, 5:17 pm

while I agree that leaving dh and moving back with parents is not a mature idea, I think I get what op is saying. certain personalities can't handle too much structure. if you work long hours, no matter how great the job, and you have to handle the kids and the home during your other hours, you feel you just don't have time to breathe. I don't work outside the home, and I get that drowning feeling sometimes. when your schedule is that full, it's hard to figure out how to get some down time, and the suffering is legit.

no solutions from me, op, but I sympathize. I suggest you look for another solution that doesn't involve divorce, though.

sequoia

Tue, May 12 2015, 5:33 pm

Why does she "need therapy"? If they were wealthy and she could easily be a stay at home mom, would you still tell her to get therapy?

Not everyone can do everything. It is a hurtful, damaging, destructive, disgusting myth of capitalism that everyone is capable of spending most of their waking hours working. And her husband is being an immature jerk if he's willing to lose his wife over this.

YES, he is the man and he should provide BECAUSE HE IS THE MAN. She has been working, she can't anymore, he shouldn't force her.

I am disgusted by the responses on this thread. A woman with several children wants to be a stay at home mom, and you all are yelling at her!

No Jewish education is worth this!!! What if she has a nervous breakdown heaven forbid?

The suggestion to move into her parents' basement is a last-ditch cry for help. Her husband won't let her quit her job. She's desperate.

Again, not everyone can do everything!!! The hurtful, invalidating statements like "I do it, therefore you can too" need to stop.

JAWSCIENCE

Tue, May 12 2015, 5:34 pm

amother wrote:

If we are no longer married, it is not my responsibility to deal with DH's finances. If he wants them to stay in Yeshiva, that is his choice and he can figure out how to pay for it. It will no longer be my responsibility. I am willing to deal with alternative schooling options that aren't ideal because I just can't do this anymore. He is not willing. He can have all of the stress of the financial responsibility.

I'm not upset at the schools. They provide a quality education at a decent price.

I'm not mad at him but I just can't live like this anymore. I can't do this for another 15 years. What ways of "coping" are there?

They are still your kids whether or not you are married to their father. The real question is what school situation is better for them. Included in that cheshbon is the sanity of their mother but it might not outweigh their other needs. For most kids above a certain age yeshiva is their need since it gives them a sense of being like friends and structure. Others thrive on homeschool and have super awesome moms that can create a stimulating curriculum and get them together with other kids, including homeschool ones so they don't feel like the only one. Your feelings about your work will cloud your judgement so it would be best to have it evaluated by a professional known to be favorable to homeschool (many are prejudiced against). You also have to evaluate your community in terms of long term consequences of homeschooling on your family. Because divorcing your husband does not absolve you of the resppnsibility to take care of your kids needs to the best of your ability. Divorcing because you think this stocks responsibility for family finances on dh alone is not rational or normal. Seek help in getting to the bott of this.

Staying married to him does not mean you shoulder the burden alone either. Your husband should be helping you look at alternate careers and money making ideas. If he is not and is simply saying "stay in current Job or I divorce" that is not rational or normal and you should seek help to get to the bottom of that.

happybeingamom

Tue, May 12 2015, 5:57 pm

sequoia wrote:

The problem is that the OP's solution to her difficulties are going to make things much harder for her and be devastating for her children. There is also the good chance that living with her parents in the basement after a while will become miserable for all involved. Then on top of that the DH will remarry most likely and then will have additional children to support leaving her kids with less.

Sometime in life we have to chose the lesser of two evils and based on the information given continuing working seems the better choice.

amother

Lilac

Tue, May 12 2015, 6:13 pm

Oh boy I am a bit puzzled with you .. You want to leave your husband beacuse you dont want to work anymore???
What makes you think that getting a divorce living with your kids in your parents basement will make your life better. Do you really think that the grass is greener on the other side . You wrote that you have a good husband who helps to provide for you and the kids , in todays world in order to survive and to pay all the bills unfortunatly both couple have to work, you say you have a good paying job for the past 15 years it helps pay tuition then you are very lucky more then others who dont have that .
Pick yourself up shake yourself from all the negetive thoughts dont let yourself get into the depresion get back on your feet just make a little more time for yourself whenever you can beacuse leaving everything and thinking that divorce will solve your problems is not the solution its the begining of your nightmare life just make the best of what you have right now changing your life in a good way ...you can do it...

animeme

Tue, May 12 2015, 6:20 pm

How would we feel if an op came here posting that her DH said, "I can't handle working anymore. I'm miserable. I'm quitting and since your income is maxed out, let's put the kids in public school. Or you can leave them home with me- I'll teach them." He might be in the right, but most of us would side against him.

I personally am worried, op, that this won't solve your problem. How will homeschooling be less stressful? Can you explain what it is about work that is more stressful than schooling your kids all day and planning their curricula? Or do you live in a place where there are homeschooling coops?

Barbara

Tue, May 12 2015, 6:21 pm

sequoia wrote:

There has to be, because her health and sanity are at stake.

And yet you objected when people suggested that she get help for her health and sanity by seeking therapy.

She can get therapy.

She can look into other jobs that might not be as stressful for her.

But she's not the only one in the family who counts. The kids, who are happy and thriving, count. Her husband, who is already working hard and long hours, and who wants his kids to attend Jewish day schools, counts.

It's an imperfect world. People sometimes have to do things that they don't want to do, in order to get by. This may well be one of those times.

sequoia

Tue, May 12 2015, 6:25 pm

animeme wrote:

He's the man, providing for the family is his responsibility. No comparison.