Fighting and anger/6 ds

amother

Taupe

Sun, Jun 28 2015, 1:26 pm

hes fighting a lot with the kids in school. principal sent him home one day bec he bit a kid.( I wrote a thread about this) this shabbos I took him to a neighbor and there again he fought with his hands with another kid. in school he fights with anyone its not a specific kid. I know he is supersensitive. all he needs is someone to say something he doesnt like and theres a fight. at home I said btw I will telly tatty to get to the meal cause I am hungry and I know you arent (he had just eaten bread) he yelled at me " I am not hungry?!" so I asked him and if you are, cant you just say in a very normal way, thats you are hungry? he had no answer. I just dont understand him. he never used to act up like this. I am so confused between his behavior and him not telling me what is bothering him. he just wont talk about his feelings and what is bothering him. I understand he is a boy and thats not gonna happen not at least till much much later. if at all. but how can anyone help him if he doesnt speak? the only solution is a therapist? can any mechanchim explain this to me? how do I unravel this? I am so lost. I dont have confidence that he wont fight with the boys again. he has so much pent up anger. I feel so bad for him but dont know how to help him. how do I explain it that I want to help him and that I love him. even though I give him punishments. what would you say to a 6 yr old?

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Jun 28 2015, 1:36 pm

It sounds like this is new behavior or you wouldn't be so confused. So the question is what changed and caused your DS to act out? Is something going on at home? Is he being bullied in school or on the bus? Was he molested? Time to get him to a therapist to get to the root of the problem.

amother

Taupe

Sun, Jun 28 2015, 1:57 pm

stop putting the worst thing out. molested?! you kidding me?! is that what you think right awway when your child is acting out? why was that one of the first things that came to your mind? please I have my hands full I dont need paranoia. thanks let me hear what others with chinuch education can help with.

5*Mom

Sun, Jun 28 2015, 3:12 pm

amother wrote:

I recently moved. and its a change for him. but why the anger? why the fighting with kids so often? if he is unhappy how can I figure that out?

This is very likely your culprit. Moving is considered a traumatic life event for an adult, all the more so for a child. Home represents security and stability. When that shifts , and in a way that the child has no control over--the child is never the one who makes the decision to move--it can be so unsettling and frightening that it triggers a fight or flight response. That's what you're seeing.

Settling into a new home will take time, especially if you've moved to a different neighborhood. He will need your help getting his bearings in the new house. Give him ownership and some measure of control over at least a part of it, maybe by having him choose his linen or wallpaper, etc. It might help for him to have some familiar things from the old, familiar house--maybe he wants to keep his old linen. Take walks up and down your street so he can get comfortable in his new surroundings and so he knows where things are in relation to where he lives now. Then be patient and understanding and give it time. If you are a SAHM, I'd recommend keeping him home for a day or three so he can just settle in and settle down without getting himself into more trouble in school. Easing up on the punishments is also a good idea. He's not doing this on purpose. He'll do better when he can.

amother

Taupe

Sun, Jun 28 2015, 6:47 pm

so I wouldnt punish that much. but about the biting in school that is the schools way of dealing and I wouldnt change that. but yes he was home for 3 weeks till he started school. thats some time. although he probably needs more time. he wont stay on the first floor without me being there. he is afraid. its a bigger house. then what we were used to. but its a while afew months and that he hasnt gotten used to. what should I do for him to get used to the house if he isnt yet? and a new school. a lot of new things. I see.

Bruria

Sun, Jun 28 2015, 10:11 pm

If he was never like this before, I think you should talk to him to see if he is being bullied. Don't blame him, just sit and talk, ask him about the other kids, find out if they are making fun of him or bothering him, because that really might be the source, especially since he wasn't in the school before and kids are sometimes quite difficult in accepting new kids.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Jun 28 2015, 10:30 pm

Why punish him already? Before you punish him, make sure you know exactly what happened, and from his perspective, not just what his rebbe said. Because you don't know, he could be just defending himself. Sometimes kids try to tell teachers that the other kids are being bullies and the teachers just don't listen and blame the victim.

Rutabaga

Sun, Jun 28 2015, 10:35 pm

amother wrote:

Make it fun rather than scary to be in the new house. Create a scavenger hunt that helps him explore. Let him help you as you clean up around the house. Put in an intercom system or buy him a walkie talkie set so he can communicate with you when you're on different floors. Don't belittle his fears - help put them to rest.

And definitely try to get him to talk about what's bothering him. If he won't talk to you, then find him someone else he can confide in. Where's his father in all this?