When to tell supervisor?

amother

Papaya

Mon, Feb 15 2016, 12:17 pm

I am expecting, 15 weeks in. I work from home. I already have had a few pregnancies while working under this supervisor, and some miscarriages… I am already showing a bit, but I am highly unlikely to run into my supervisor, we don't live near eachother. I also don't want to inconvenience him by waiting until the last minute to say something, because he will need to find a replacement. But I am not due until mid summer, so that still leaves a long time.

I am dreading telling my boss for two reasons:

1- His response generally rubs me the wrong way, and I am just dreading it. He says things like "I knew it," or "I was wondering when you'd tell me", etc. He will (smilingly) say I have been edgier, more sarcastic, working slower, or whatever. And it is generally not even true. I don't know why, but I can't seem to shrug off his 'using' my situation to make himself look oh so smart. He does this in many situations, but in these cases I can't stand it.

2- Due to the miscarriages, I am just reluctant to share. I don't want to have to share the information if I miscarry. I have never miscarried after the first trimester, so it isn't so likely, but I still feel that reservation.

What do you think?

Fox

Mon, Feb 15 2016, 1:15 pm

What Seeker said. Get it over with and get back to work.

Just as an aside, I would recommend re-framing your reaction to his comments.

For reasons I've never entirely understood, a huge number of women seem to be in denial that anything in their work changes when they become pregnant. I don't know if they feel less competent by admitting it or if it threatens their images of themselves as "do-it-all-backwards-in-high-heels" types, but it makes them look silly and insecure.

First of all, assume that your boss really did suspect that you are pregnant. In my entire working life, both in the Jewish and non-Jewish world, I can think of exactly one occasion in which co-workers and bosses were truly surprised. Now, maybe you're in that extremely small percentage of women who really, truly don't show any changes -- fine, I'm not going to argue about how likely that is, and it doesn't even matter that much.

The main point is this: if you allow yourself to feel defensive, it ends up being counter-productive. Instead of looking like a confident, talented, savvy woman, you look like a cringing little girl.

Think ahead of time of a few responses that will minimize your boss's smugness and make you look stronger:

"Oh, I'm sure! Those first trimesters are killers! I guess it's lucky for you that I can be slightly off my game and still do a fantastic job! Hah-hah!"

or

"Yeah, it must be difficult to be the boss. You've got people who are off their game because they're expecting; people who are off their game because they have to discuss what happened last night on TV; people who have to manage their fantasy football teams or whatever . . . "

or

"Yeah, it's part of a conspiracy. If I was at my peak performance for years at a time, you'd get spoiled."

These were off the top of my head. I'm sure you can think of other good comebacks that avoid arguing about whether you or your work has changed at all yet still remind your boss that even nauseated and short-tempered, you're still the best thing for the business since sliced bread.

sky

Mon, Feb 15 2016, 1:25 pm

I believe in telling early.
I work from home and can sometimes go a number of weeks before going in and seeing anyone. but I find this gives them as much time as they need to plan and schedule. I believe it also presents you as a more responsible and forthcoming employee.

I get a lot of comments including "I thought you were done", "don't you need a bus", etc. But I just grin and laugh. I know in their world multiple pregnancies are unusual so I understand where they are coming from.

I do NOT think my work suffers one iota when pregnant, and I've gotten that feedback from my managers and co-workers. If anything I give it even more to prove to them and myself. I definitely don't have anything to apologize for or be defensive about.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Feb 15 2016, 1:31 pm

with an attitude like his, I would not tell him till 2-3 months before. That should give him enough time to find back up or work out whatever needs to be when you are not there. If you have any female co workers you are working with then tell them and let them mention it to him. Really, there is no reason for them to know when you are just starting to show. You have a long way to go and they do not need to know early on. What's the point in telling now?You will still be working for another 5 months - no?