12yo DD becoming very antisocial

Sadie

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 4:55 am

Raisin wrote:

12 year olds are horrible. I was miserable in school at that age. My classmates all ganged up into cliques. They were not like this before or after.

It does get better.

Same, 12 was the the most horrible year of my life. I only had one real friend and almost got asked to leave my school (a private school).

Check to see if she is being bullied. I had a bully but I was too embarrassed to talk to my parents about it or report it at school.

I moved to a new school for 8th grade and everything got better.

Tell her that she just needs to get through the last home stretch and things will be better after this semester. But I don't think a 12 year old can really internalize that...remember how long school years felt when we were kids.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 9:31 am

I know that DD is not being bullied. She is a world class kvetcher, and if something was bothering her, I'd never hear the end of it! Her main complaint is that she feels overwhelmed, and she does have sensory issues. The kids just won't give her any personal space, so she acts in a way that will repel them and make them not want to be near her. I totally get that for her it's a survival strategy, it's just not socially acceptable.

We did have a good day today. We went shopping for MM, and we are going to give to her whole class. DD picked everything out (within a set budget), and when she got home she made a list of all the girls and teachers. On each bag, she tried to think about something good for each girl, and draw a picture of it (loving, friendly, silly, sporty, etc.) along with the girl's name. I was really impressed that she wanted to personalize every single bag, and that she put so much thought into it.

I think that deep down, she really does want friends, but she needs to do it in a way that doesn't swamp her senses and make her shut down. In the quiet of our living room, she was very happy to be so sweet and giving.

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 10:00 am

She's twelve
She needs the space to figure out her socail life on her own
Try to get the school to back off
The more they push the harder it will be for her to actually make friends without bruising her pride.

And you do sound like a great Mom!!!!

FranticFrummie

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 10:01 am

You ladies are so sweet!

I didn't adopt DD until I was 38 years old, so most women I know already have adult kids. DH is older than I am, and all the kids from his first marriage are grown. Most of his grandkids are older than DD! He's not the "father type" at all. As far as DD is concerned, he's just the guy who pays the bills, and makes kiddush on Shabbos.

So, basically I'm acting as a single mom, with very little frame of reference. You all have been my LIFE LINE!

studying_torah

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 10:13 am

Sounds like you're doing great in a tough situation!
Can the teachers understand the concept of sensory issues? I have a sensory kid and he cannot tolerate his space being invaded. Maybe they can just move dd's seat , so she doesn't feel so crowded out. (Near windows or just away from the other desks) also learning some self soothing tips could be very helpful for when she gets overwhelmed.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 10:22 am

For example, the other girls are obsessed with DD's straight, long, blond hair. They can't stop touching it, taking out her pony tail, trying to braid it, etc. This mostly happens on breaks. DD will tell them a few times to stop (in Hebrew AND English), and then she smacks their hands.

DD gets in trouble for "hitting", but none of the other girls get punished, because "they are just being friendly."

My child is not a petting zoo! Mad

The teachers are completely clueless. They think this is normal behavior. Maybe it is, but DD does not like it, and they expect her to go along with it for the sake of "being nice". I spent 12 years teaching her that her body is private, and that no one has the right to touch her without her consent. I've also taught her that she has the right to defend herself.

Aaaaaaaargh!

anon for this

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 11:37 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

That's so irritating! Do you think that if you put it up in a french braid or something that the other girls would be less likely to touch it for fear of messing it up?

FranticFrummie

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 12:08 pm

anon for this wrote:

That's so irritating! Do you think that if you put it up in a french braid or something that the other girls would be less likely to touch it for fear of messing it up?

DD has always been super sensory about stuff on her head. At 24 hours old, she would pull the hospital beanie off of her head, and throw it across the room! The nurses didn't believe us until they actually saw her do it.

As a toddler, nothing would make her scream faster than the sight of a barrette. Again, pulled off and thrown across the room in two seconds flat.

She made me stop brushing her hair as soon as she was old enough to do it herself. Same thing with shampoo.

Even if I KNEW how to french braid, she would not let me near her hair with a 10 foot comb. She even resents having to wear a a simple pony tail to school, and takes it out on her way home.

She can't just "move away" from the other girls, because they think that the only thing more fun than DD's hair, is playing chasing games. They've chased her all over the playground, when all she wants is to sit and draw in her journal.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 6:35 pm

I have hair that some people in my area find unusual and love to touch. I do not understand why they think this is remotely acceptable. I get it less since I'm older, but I really just want to slap the next person that does it, and I am not a quick-to-anger person. Exploding anger

The petting zoo comment really rings true for me.

FF, you might want to look into resources on raising introverted children. This article might be a good start. I was an introverted kid and my parents really struggled to understand it. I was considered weird and antisocial and no one would just let me be myself. I wish the internet had been around when I was a kid so my parents could have gotten some knowledge about it and been able to help me.