Tipping with mm? | Imamother

amother

Rose

Wed, Mar 09 2016, 11:23 am

amother wrote:

My dh is a rebbi, he by no means differentiates between giving parents and not. As he says, why is the child to blame what the parents do. It's not in the child's hand. He tries hard to treat them all alike and b"h is successful.
However, a parent who makes himself known to the rebbi, and shows an interest in his child's progress, whether be it a phone call or a nice note (even on assignment sheets) or a tip (if feasable) definitely makes a big difference. Yes! Unfortunately tips talk a lot. But dh tries to give as much to those that don't tip. Not everyone can tip, therefore a nice note or call of acknowledgement goes a very far way.
the same is in girls schools.
Disclaimer. I, in no way encourage monetary tips.

The bolded lines contradict each other. I understand that your dh also appreciates notes with no accompaniment. But - even the Torah acknowledges that tipping is a form of bribery. When I did hashkacha work, I was not allowed to accept free food from the restaurants. That was to show that I was not swayed to let things slide.

Tipping in chinuch is way overboard. It goes to camps now as well, to the extent that parents know they have to tip on visitors day and tip halfway through the summer to make sure that their kid has a good second half. And these counselors grow up to become the rebbes! They are accustomed to this by now. The camp that we sent our son to (not on the east coast) actually forbids tipping - the parents are told, and the counselors are told as well. They will loose their jobs if they accept a tip.

I'll take it a step further - I worked at a mikvah for 5 years, 6 nights a week, LONG hours. We were also forbidden to accept a tip. Its to make sure that no one gets better treatment/bigger room/fluffier robe/better hours than anyone else.

Dh was a rebbe for 15 years and was not allowed to accept money from anyone. Chanukah time was a group gift. Done.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Mar 09 2016, 2:04 pm

amother wrote:

Let's take a poll anonymously and see who gives rabbeim tips out of appreciation and who gives so that their child is treated better.

The whole system is so wrong. I know someone whose husband is so strict and doesn't give his wife a penny to spend but he has no problem giving the rebbe 150 every yom Tov. It's only so that he has the name of giving the most and hat his kid should be treated better.

Is this Hakaras hatov?

I give partially out of appreciation, but mostly because it is standard to tip and I don't want them to feel bad. I do not think tipping makes your child get treated better. I was a teacher, and I assure you that it made absolutely zero difference. I loved getting tips, but that's because I love money. If you would treat a child better because of their parents money, don't be a teacher!

I live in Brooklyn. I give the rebbes anywhere between $100-$150. The teachers get between $25-$50. I give for Chanukah and Purim.

Miri7

Thu, Mar 10 2016, 3:55 pm

At our current school we don't tip. But in preschool we did give an "appreciation gift" at the end of the year. However, all the cash was collected by the room parent and pooled so you could give an amount that worked for you and there was no concern about favoritism. Some families have $10 and some $200. I know because I was room parent more than once. The "suggested" amount was $10-20 a we did a suggested amount because people asked and we wanted families who could only do $10 to feel ok about it. Most families gave more than suggested.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Mar 10 2016, 4:42 pm

amother wrote:

You misunderstood me.
What I meant was that money does talk... to Everyone, you too. That's just how G-D created human. My dh did not favor a child of a tipper over a child of a non tipper. He feels for each child equally. But if a parent gives a mm with money inside, he's not going to be rude and return it. He'll thank them, put all the money aside and treat himself for pesach to something with that money. This is nothing with bribery

amother

Cyan

Thu, Mar 10 2016, 7:39 pm

amother wrote:

I am the mother that gives all my tips to tzedukah. Children whose parents say thank you and acknowledge hard work are treated better. It could be that they are brought up better in the first place.

I spend about 3X the amount of hours outside my classroom as in working on behalf of the children. Thank yous inspire teachers to work harder.

watergirl

Thu, Mar 10 2016, 8:24 pm

amother wrote:

So you treat kids better because their parents acknowledge and thank you? So Shlomie is a sweet boy but nebach, his parents arent with it. They dont have the social skills to write a thank you note or give at least a cars. Nechama is one child in a family of 9, and her father learns in kollel ans her mother would love to scribble a thank you but she collapses every night in bed, she has no koach to extend herself more. Naomi just moved here from Chicago and her parents dont know that tipping is a "thing". They wait till chanukah and wonder why there jant a class gift. Shlomie and Nechama are great kids! But for whatever reason, their parents dont ever say thank you.

They wont get the same treatment from you as Dovid, whos father is a lawyer and writes a big check? Dovid is a chutzpadik kid. He never does his homework. Or as Rachel, who is average and brings a small box of chocolate.

You are esentially punishing the kids whos parents dont tip. I am also a morah (preschool). I know how many extra hours I work - so you really don't have to keep reiterating it here. I guess I'm just a little bit shocked that you're choosing to essentially punish the kids to just come to school with your lunch is in their backpacks every day, and nothing else. It really isn't anybody's fault if a parent is daft enough not to send a thank you note. So maybe next time you see them at the grocery store you can feel free to check that parent in-kind, not nine or say hi or greet them when you're at the grocery store out of school hours. But you have to have to have to treat every child the same.

tigerwife

Thu, Mar 10 2016, 8:35 pm

amother wrote:

Re: tipping the counsellors in camp: where I come from, that's way more common than tipping teachers. When I was a counselor, the majority of my earnings came from tips. It had nothing to do with bribery. We got tipped on visiting day because that's when we met the parents.

I understand not being coerced in paying what you can't, but come on- you are making tips sound like the downfall of our generation. Some people actually do give out of appreciation. Tips are not essentially a bad thing. And if someone tips you, just say thanks and stop thinking about ulterior motives (actually, don't even start!).

amother

Cyan

Thu, Mar 10 2016, 8:52 pm

watergirl wrote:

If the parents are so overwhelmed by bringing up 9 children that they can't tell a teacher thank you, then their child will lack the same basic manners. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You can bet that the child that smiles sweetly and thanks me for a paper is treated nicer than the one that doesn't. It is life. The person who smiles more at people is smiled more back in turn.

I think most times teachers are not aware who pays full tuition, but they are aware whose kids are on the board, and those children are treated better as is the boss's kid everywhere.

watergirl

Thu, Mar 10 2016, 9:07 pm

amother wrote:

Not where I taught. I literally had a kid in my class whos name was on the school. And my current boss's husband was the president of the jcc when I worked there. If she so much as thought that rules were bent for them, or if her kid got preferential treatment, heads would roll. I also really really disagree about what you said regarding the child who comes right large family and your assuming that they don't have basic manners. But that's OK. It's OK to disagree.

Faigy86

Fri, Mar 11 2016, 9:40 am

gold21 wrote:

Everyone always comes with the most irrational rationalizations as to why rebbes get significantly bigger tips than morahs.

It's kind of funny to me at this point so I basically ignore the rationalizations.

I am not a teacher but I see that my kids teachers work hard just like their rebbes work hard.

I do tip with MM, both rebbes and morahs.

I don't think anyone even believes the rationalizations. It's no different than the fact that overall women have a lower career ceiling. They can get away with paying or tipping women less, so they do. That's the end of the story.

suzyq

Fri, Mar 11 2016, 10:55 am

watergirl wrote:

I don't think she was saying that people with 9 kids definitely have no manners - I think she was saying in general, if parents don't teach manners to kids, the kids won't have manners, and therefore, the teacher isn't going to favor them.

I go out of my way to be nice to my kids' morahs, and to complain only when it's something that really is an issue, because, honestly, I know it makes a difference in how my kids are treated, fair or not. I also go out of my way to teach my children manners and you better believe that my 2-year old knows to say please and thank you.

All that being said, I don't believe that money is what makes your children get treated better - it's the appreciation. I don't necessarily give lots of money, but I make sure my kids' morahs get thanks when they go above and beyond, and that they know I truly appreciate the hard work they do (because it is hard!). Sadly, my son had a morah who told me I was the ONLY parent who thanked her for taking care of their child (he had an especially rough day and I made sure to thank her for taking such good care of him) not on a day specified for thanking. That's pathetic.

amother

Orchid

Fri, Mar 11 2016, 1:31 pm

I'm in Lakewood:

- Rebbeim and school Morahs - avg $36
- English Teachers - full afternoon $18
- English teachers - partial afternoon $10
- classroom assistants - $10
- playgroup teachers - $18

I know our community rav (not a shul rav, but someone who is a poseik for a large part of the community) is given a lot of his money for his Pesach expenses over Purim. Its the time of year that people give monetary gifts.

English teachers that get less are men and women (some of my sons have male English teachers). They get less because they are with the students less. A rebbe is with the class from 8:45 - 1:45, including lunch and 2 recesses. The English teacher from 1:45 - 3:45, including only one recess.
When I have an issue in school, or with recess or bus behavoir I typically go to the Hebrew teacher. So for the obvious reasons I tend to tip them higher.

Simple1

Fri, Mar 11 2016, 1:54 pm

amother wrote:

I'm in Lakewood:

- Rebbeim and school Morahs - avg $36
- English Teachers - full afternoon $18
- English teachers - partial afternoon $10
- classroom assistants - $10
- playgroup teachers - $18

Personally, I think playgroup teachers should get as much, or more than school age Morahs. It's more hands on and personal. Little kids need more care, and the hours are longer (not shared with an English teacher). (Not to mention toddlers who need diaper changes and accident changes, etc.)