How can I discuss this with her?

amother

Magenta

Mon, Aug 29 2016, 3:53 pm

We recently moved to a new country and the change was huge. Both my husband and I put an enormous effort into making this as easy as possible for my kids - we both took off a chunk of time from work and are spending the entire time entirely with the kids, taking them to see their new schools, just playing games, etc.

My 3 year old was always anxious whenever I or my husband left her anywhere or left the house and always cried for a minute or two and then got over it. Last year, where we used to live, she cried every single day up until the last day of playgroup, when I left here there. She loved it there and spent her whole day after I picked her up telling me every detail of what went on. Her teacher told me she only cried for a second after I left her and a few times I stood outside the door until she stopped and it really was only a very short time. It think it's only separation anxiety.

Now she is starting a new playgroup/school. It's an official group but is only a preschool. She is really nervous and has been acting out alot. I tried telling her that people sometimes are nervous when the move to a new play because of the changes and its normal... She was quiet for a minute and then said, "I'm nervous because I'm going to go to playgroup and will be by myself." I told her I'm going to try to stay for a bit until she's comfortable and now she keeps repeating that I'll stay with her.

How do I ease her anxiety so that its smoother for her and because I really can't stay with her for the first few entire days?

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Aug 29 2016, 4:10 pm

Is there a way to arrange a play date for her with a classmate some day this week, introducing them to each other as new friends? Hopefully then she'll be excited to go play with her friend, whom she's already met, on the first day of school. I vaguely remember my mother arranging something like that for me when I started 4-year-old nursery in a new city.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Aug 29 2016, 5:05 pm

I would investigate with her about what bothered her so much about the last playgroup. Maybe the teacher was mean/harsh discipline? Is there a possibility of abuse? A lot of kids this age don't yet have the words to explain why they are so upset, so they say they don't want to be alone. It could be anything, but kids are sensitive and smart and I think there must be something deeper. Kids don't have separation anxiety the entire year unless there is an underlying problem.

I have a child that was abused as a three year old. He hated going to school every day and when I asked why he always said that he didn't want to be alone. It wasn't until there was physical evidence of abuse that he opened up. The next year we went to school in a different city. His therapist suggested that I encourage going to school, but do not force. I stay with him every morning until he is comfortable, and then leave. If he is never comfortable, I bring him home with me. The process took about three weeks, but there was not one tear shed, and there was not one tantrum. He trusted me and felt like I care about him and take his feelings seriously. His teacher knew that if he was ever uncomfortable or needed some love, he could call me and we would talk on the phone. This happened a lot in the begining, but got less and less throughout the year. Occasionally he would call and say he wanted to come home. His therapist suggested I listen. It sends an extremely powerful message to a kid when he knows you will stand up for him and help him and that he is not powerless (which is how kids feel when something bad happens in school--even something simple like a lot of time outs-and there is nothing they can do about it). This method requires availability and flexibility on your part, but in my mind, having a confident child that feels secure and powerful and important makes those three weeks every bit worth it.

Mon, Aug 29 2016, 9:54 pm

Don't let her think she'll be all by herself. Introduce her to the teacher and tell her to ask the teachers for anything she needs. Even if she just feels lonely, or wants to go to mommy, or has to use the bathroom, or. ... Tell her the teachers are waiting for her to ask and say something so they know what she wants. The information needs to be spoon fed,even if she knows this from the past. She's still young and frightened, so this will help her transition.

Miri7

Mon, Aug 29 2016, 10:04 pm

Contact the preschool and say you'd like rondo some play dates. Ask if they will connect you with other families. They may not give you the info but will send yours to other parents.

Talk through drop off with your DD. Walk in , say hi to morah, read a book, put lunchbox in cubby, hug and goodbye. You leave, she plays with new friends and new Morah, then you pick up. Tell her it's a different school but it is a lot like the old one. You will drop off then pick her up soon.

Also - this anxiety sounds very normal and age appropriate especially given the move.

Mon, Aug 29 2016, 10:07 pm

amother wrote:

It could be related to abuse- the acting out and the fear of being alone for a predator to attack. Or it could be the adjustment period. Investigate and make sure ur child is safe.

Why would you suspect abuse? Children do have separation anxiety. It's perfectly normal . Even grade school children get butterflies before a new school year, especially if it's not even the same kids she's used to! !!

seeker

Mon, Aug 29 2016, 10:21 pm

While it's not out of the question, I think it's a little paranoid to think a 3 year old with separation anxiety suggests possible abuse. If the behavior is age appropriate and/or consistent with the child's personality then it is not a red flag in any way. Mom said she cried from the first day to the last and quieted quickly (hearing this herself, not only from the teacher). Sounds like a normal small child who does not like mommy leaving her, plus added anxiety of being right after a move. The suggestions here are all worthy ideas and I would not waste any more worry on that aspect.