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I still can't figure out how to parent.... HELP!!!

 
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 05 2017, 8:17 am
I have 8 year old twins who are constantly fighting. Not exaggerating with "constantly".

They come running to me tattling over every word and action and for a long time I have been in the habit of intervening and policing. Also constant. And I cannot stand it anymore.

So many of my friends have told me that they do not get involved in their children's fights. They let the kids work it out themselves. I've been trying harder to stay out of it. But it's constant tears. Constant one being hurt by the other. I don't have this with their siblings. It's just these two. Always at it.

This morning one was trying to get a last minute assignment done on the computer. Her sister was driving her crazy and not letting her focus so once she had had enough she got up and broke her sister's new chanukah present to punish her. So now handling it themselves means I'm just sucked back into the crazy and policing them again plus I'm so mad because something I spent money on is wrecked.

I want to be mad at the daughter who broke the gift. But really what else could she do besides tattle to me? And I told her to handle things herself. She tried words. They failed. How do I guide them? How can I stop being a 24/7 police woman.

I am so unhappy in this family dynamic. I hate that these sisters can't treat each other with love. Sibling fighting is normal, but this level is not. And I cannot function because I can't even do anything but monitor these two.

I feel so inadequate as their mother. Please guide me here.
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Iymnok









  


Post  Thu, Jan 05 2017, 8:23 am
When they come tattling, play judge.
Ask one, "according to you, what happened?" Hear her out. Repeat back to her and include her corrections. After she confirms repeat the process with the other one. Ignore all interruptions.
Now ask them each for a solution. Either implement it or suggest a compromise.

Establish a list of rules and consequences. Do this with them.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 05 2017, 2:27 pm
Iymnok wrote:
When they come tattling, play judge.
Ask one, "according to you, what happened?" Hear her out. Repeat back to her and include her corrections. After she confirms repeat the process with the other one. Ignore all interruptions.
Now ask them each for a solution. Either implement it or suggest a compromise.

Establish a list of rules and consequences. Do this with them.


Playing judge is like playing police. I do that too. All day. Get nowhere.

They tell me totally different accounts of a story. So either somebody is lying to me or they just have their own perceptions of how things happened. Either way I'm left with no clear answers. They both are in the wrong regardless. If I dole out punishments for every little thing they will already be in trouble until their 18th birthdays. I don't want to give out anymore punishments. I want them to like each other, be kind to each other, treat each other with respect.....

Other ideas? PLEASE??????
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MagentaYenta









  


Post  Thu, Jan 05 2017, 3:08 pm
First off your children need some basic ground rules, no hitting,no yelling, no destroying others possessions or your own. Kids often have a different perception of fairness than adults. Children also need to learn to use words and not actions to resolve conflict. They need to learn to identify how they feel when a sibling leaves them out of an activity or what they feel when they resort to physical or verbal conflict.

Here's a rather lengthy article on resolving conflict among siblings. It's a long read with some imbedded links. You may also want to find out how their schools deal with teaching conflict resolution to your children. The tools that schools use may be different than those used in your home and kids do notice the differences.

Best of luck to you.
http://centerforparentingeduca.....g-rivalry/
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imasinger









  


Post  Thu, Jan 05 2017, 4:26 pm
You might find it helpful to read "Siblings Without Rivalry."
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 05 2017, 4:47 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
First off your children need some basic ground rules, no hitting,no yelling, no destroying others possessions or your own. Kids often have a different perception of fairness than adults. Children also need to learn to use words and not actions to resolve conflict. They need to learn to identify how they feel when a sibling leaves them out of an activity or what they feel when they resort to physical or verbal conflict.

Here's a rather lengthy article on resolving conflict among siblings. It's a long read with some imbedded links. You may also want to find out how their schools deal with teaching conflict resolution to your children. The tools that schools use may be different than those used in your home and kids do notice the differences.

Best of luck to you.
http://centerforparentingeduca.....g-rivalry/


Thanks, started reading and it looks interesting. Will plow through the rest later tonight.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 05 2017, 4:51 pm
imasinger wrote:
You might find it helpful to read "Siblings Without Rivalry."


Thanks for the recommendation. I just ordered it.
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amother




Saddlebrown


Post  Fri, Jan 06 2017, 7:48 am
They may need some space from each other - because they are twins, they never get a break, they are in school together, at home togheter, etc. Everything is shared between them on somelevel.

I had twins in my class growing up and they fought worse than any siblings I had ever encountered. Their parents finally rear nagged the sleeping arrangements so they were in different rooms (even fi sharing with other siblings), and the fighting got much better, because they weren't in each others faces literally 24 hours a day. Is there anyway to put them in different bed rooms? Or give each one a spot in the house that's just for them?
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chaiz









  


Post  Fri, Jan 06 2017, 7:49 am
imasinger wrote:
You might find it helpful to read "Siblings Without Rivalry."


Great, great book.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Fri, Jan 06 2017, 8:04 am
amother wrote:
They may need some space from each other - because they are twins, they never get a break, they are in school together, at home togheter, etc. Everything is shared between them on somelevel.

I had twins in my class growing up and they fought worse than any siblings I had ever encountered. Their parents finally rear nagged the sleeping arrangements so they were in different rooms (even fi sharing with other siblings), and the fighting got much better, because they weren't in each others faces literally 24 hours a day. Is there anyway to put them in different bed rooms? Or give each one a spot in the house that's just for them?


They are actually not only in the same school, but in the same class HOWEVER their teachers tell me they have never once seen them fight. Apparently they save this behavior exclusively for home.
And we moved recently and top priority was finding a house big enough to give them each their own bedroom. B"H it has helped at bedtime which was the worst nightmare ever. (One wants to sleep in total darkness, the other is terrified of the dark; one wanted fan on, the other wanted it off, etc.) But it has no bearing on their behavior the rest of the day.
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