DD angry I spoke up

amother

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:05 am

My DD started a new high school this year. She told me about a teacher who made a comment in class in front of her peers about my daughter's bad grades in her class. I asked my DD to explain to me what happened just so I can be sure she wasn't misconstruing something. I went to the principal because I was upset and felt the teacher was inappropriate and asked the principal to check into it. The principal came back and told me a completely different rosy scenario of what happened. Now my DD is angry at me and afraid she will be labeled a trouble maker. I would normally encourage my DD to speak up for herself but this was a matter that needed to be outed and addressed by a parent.

I guess I will drop the matter for now because my DD is upset about it but I'm not satisfied with such a conflicting answer from the principal.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:45 am

I am sorry. I disagree with the above posters.

Always tell your dd before going to administration. If she is above the age of 10, you should not only tell, you should consult. Not every kid wants their parent getting involved. Some kids want to figure things out on their own.

It sounds like you went without asking her. Sorry, that is intruding upon her space. It wasn't a dangerous situation where you had to step in.

Have you considered the possibility that your dd gave you a skewed version of events? That all she wanted was to vent, and some sympathy? And now, she will look like a whiner and a liar at school. She never intended you to repeat her vent there.

Or maybe things did happen as she said. In any case, she wants to deal with it on her own.

Above age 10, it's best to advise them at home, give them feedback how to deal, empower them. Not to infantalize them and run to the principal for every teacher's comment (btw, why didnt you speak to the teacher herself?????????? How do you think tattling on her to her boss will affect her relationship with your dd this year? Do you think it will improve it?)

amother

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 1:46 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Not to infantalize them and run to the principal for every teacher's comment (btw, why didnt you speak to the teacher herself?????????? How do you think tattling on her to her boss will affect her relationship with your dd this year? Do you think it will improve it?)

When it comes to something that my DD could have talked to her about...a question on material, a clarification on class lecture, a vague test question, even a disagreement about material, I would expect her to discuss with the teacher. Missed homework. Discuss with the teacher. Failing grade. Discuss with the teacher.

But when it comes to a position of authority when my DD is shamed in front of others, what do you expect a 14 yr old to do? Just like the rest of us, teachers need to be careful with their words. Especially on impressionable minds.

If this incident truly makes it more difficult for my DD to be in class because of retribution, then she doesn't need to be going to such a school in which they employ teachers who are not only careless like this but a principal willing to look the other way.

If anything comes from this, it is that I would hope this teacher will at least choose her words better in the future because of this incident and also that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable whether from a teacher, peer, other figure of authority, really anyone.

Two things stopped me from confronting the teacher: 1. Her contact information is not published. 2. Had I been able to get her contact information, and talked to her, she would have explained the situation, of course, not in a negative way and then I would have been forced to accept it and do nothing or discuss it with the principal anyway which would have literally been "tattling" as you say.

At least, with the principal being involved, I would hope that an earnest investigation into the matte would have been instigated and the teacher is then at least aware that there are parents sensitive such issues and hold teachers accountable for good behavior.

I 100% believe my DD.

chefmama

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 3:18 am

I’m sorry for what your DC experienced.
I personally would speak up for my children. BH my children are open about their day and speak openly about what happens, so when a problem does occur, I have no reason to question/doubt their version. I say their version because I’m sure teachers will have a slightly different version because well, teachers usually do! I do inform them that I will speak to the teacher in question. I recall in spring one DC was upset about something and I told dc I will speak to the teacher, I asked dc if I should speak to the teacher alone or with dc, and dc said they wanted to be present when I speak to the teacher. We both went and I told the teacher dc problem and the teacher addressed the problem kindly BH. The reason I ask my children if they want to come along, is because I personally believe they will learn how to 1) resolve a problem ‘diplomatically’ and respectfully 2) I want them to know that I will always support their feelings and will validate their understanding of whatever happened. So far BH we haven’t had serious problems, but the one/two times I’ve had to speak to a teacher, resulted in positive change. I live in Europe so perhaps the schooling culture is different, but in any case I would have most definitely spoken to the teacher about my DC, but with their knowledge of course.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 3:31 am

rainbow dash wrote:

I had the same issue. The teacher asked the girls if they want their exam results given to them or read out in class. My dd 13 asked for it to be read out. Well it was a very low score and she was embarresed that she started to cry. When she came home and told me I spoke to the school and they dealt with it. No more reading out the scores infrount of the class.

Why would the teacher possibly think that this was ok?

amother

Maroon

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 3:34 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

But when it comes to a position of authority when my DD is shamed in front of others, what do you expect a 14 yr old to do? Just like the rest of us, teachers need to be careful with their words. Especially on impressionable minds.

.

I agree that teachers need to be careful with their words, and it's wrong to shame.
On the other hand, a 14 year old is a big girl. Way too big for her mother to be running to the principal without consulting with her (again, unless there is an at-risk situation, like serious bullying).

amother

Maroon

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 3:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Two things stopped me from confronting the teacher: 1. Her contact information is not published. 2. Had I been able to get her contact information, and talked to her, she would have explained the situation, of course, not in a negative way and then I would have been forced to accept it and do nothing or discuss it with the principal anyway which would have literally been "tattling" as you say.

Strange that all the parents and pupils don't have the teacher's phone number in this day and age.
I text the teachers if I have any issue. Simple, direct communication. There is no need to involve the principal for 99% of the cases. It's just not done.
You should have simply asked the secretary for the teacher's phone number.

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 3:44 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If your daughter was really shamed in front of others, you could have asked other parents or kids first to see if her story is true.
Also I wouldn't run to the principal because my 14 year old has an issue in school. 14 should be old enough to deal with school problems. I mean... She will be going to sem in 3-4 years and get engaged in 4-5. She should learn to stand up for herself.

When we had trouble in school and the teacher or principal called our mom she said: they're old enough, you gotta talk to them. Not to me.
And we figured it out. I went up to a teacher and told him my grade wasn't fair. Why should my mom do that?

amother

Maroon

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 3:54 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

I assume the kid was telling the truth. I certainly wouldn't run off to ask other parents or kids. That's really making a big fuss and compromising the dd's privacy. I would be furious if my mom did that.

(In the first post, I mentioned the possibility that maybe she was exaggerating, which is what people sometimes do when they vent. But I would assume that the core of the story is what my dd said. You've got to trust your kid).

On the second point - I agree with you. Kids need to learn to deal with situations like this on their own. Some of my kids actually had teachers who very much encouraged this. If a parent called, they first wanted to solve it one on one, child and teacher. They told the child to approach them first, always.

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 3:55 am

recently I had a situation with a menaheles making insinuating remarks about several girls including my DD. She didn’t actually say anything outright but it didn’t cast the girls in a positive light.
My DD was very upset. I asked if she would like me to call the menaheles. We discussed what I would say & how. From my experience when dealing with teachers & principals one must give them a graceful way out of the situation while having them acknowledge responsibility. Something along the lines “my DD was very upset because apparently her name was mentioned & I’m sure as a teen she’s extra sensitive. What exactly happened?”
It’s a game I “play” allowing everyone to save face.
Also I phone the teacher at school during school hours & asked to be called back.
Definitely better to bring it up with the actual teacher.

nicole81

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 8:28 am

With my high schoolers, I never run to the administration. Only my dd has ever had any issues, and I've encouraged her to speak up herself since she didn't want me to. In a situation like this, if she didn't want to speak up, I'd advise her to take a wait and see approach and then continually check in with her about the teacher. Running to the principal, over the teacher's and your child's head, is never a good move.

Regarding not having the teacher's information, you could have requested it from the main office or left a message for a call back.

However since you went ahead anyway, I'm sure the teacher will be extra careful about what they say to your daughter now, which is a good thing. Your dd will get over her anger. But next time consult with her and take a step back in most cases. We have to teach our children how to advocate for themselves.