DD angry I spoke up

creditcards

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 11:41 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

If your daughter was really shamed in front of others, you could have asked other parents or kids first to see if her story is true.
Also I wouldn't run to the principal because my 14 year old has an issue in school. 14 should be old enough to deal with school problems. I mean... She will be going to sem in 3-4 years and get engaged in 4-5. She should learn to stand up for herself.

When we had trouble in school and the teacher or principal called our mom she said: they're old enough, you gotta talk to them. Not to me.
And we figured it out. I went up to a teacher and told him my grade wasn't fair. Why should my mom do that?

Good for you that you were capable of sticking up for yourself at 14 years old. I certainly wasn't. My mom would refuse to call for me because she insisted that I that I need to learn how to do it myself (according to advice she received from others) and I suffered for it because I never was able to do these calls myself. You gotta know your child. If you know you can push your child to do something and they will be successful then great that you are teaching them important life skills. But if your child is just not at that level then it doesn't matter how old she is. It would be cruel not to do it for her and she will feel like a failure at the same time. Even now at this age when I'm married with a family of kids I still sometimes need someone else to talk for me. I would definitely not hesitate to talk for me kids no matter what age.
The place where I work for employed a girl directly out of school. Her mother called in to explain that her daughter will need to take off for a while. The boss understood it very well. (I'm very close to the boss) It wasn't the first time mothers called in for their daughter that just started their job right out of school. Sometimes husbands also call for their wives. All this is normal and we have to respect people who need extra help expressing themselves.

Last edited by creditcards on Sun, Nov 17 2019, 11:44 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Maroon

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 11:53 am

creditcards wrote:

I am sorry, this is NOT normal .
If I were a boss, and an employee's mother or husband called in their stead, I would view it in a very bad light. Let's put it this way, that person would NOT be promoted.

I do think that if a young teen really begs her mom to call, then the mom should call. 14 is still a young teen. But the mother should not call if it's not what the teen wants. And she should try to encourage the teen to deal with it on her own.

All that is true for a 14 yr old, not for an 18 yr old. Sorry. Unless the 18 yr old is suffering from severe social anxiety, and then we have a whole load of problems at play.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:00 pm

Credit cards I see where you're coming from, but a shy/anxious teen does need to learn how to do this at some point. I think it would be better to coach the shy kid and walk them through it until they are ready to take the next step. That way they won't *need* their mom or husband to call their boss for them, down the line. It's really going to handicap them in the long run, they will be too anxious to pursue professional opportunities or advocate for themselves or their own children when they really need to.

creditcards

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:02 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

We have a lot of good employees that their mother or husband needed to call for them one time or the other. It would be a shame if we had lost out on them just because of this reason. These girls shouldn't be working where they are not appreciated.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:10 pm

But they will never be able to advance to a higher position or work in anything other than a "heimish" job situation.
I feel for anxious people like this, I was like that as a teen. It is unfair for their parents not to give them help and get coaching to overcome this. I see it as a social/emotional issue that will really handicap them and take away from their quality of life.
Looking back I wish my parents had guided or coached me more, they dealt with it the same way your mom did, credit cards. It probably took me through most of my 20s to get past it and it was very painful and anxiety producing for me.
I still don't love making phone calls but I'm so thankful I'm not scared to do it anymore.
I'm also glad I'm not stuck in a dead end job because I'm too scared to communicate with others.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:13 pm

creditcards wrote:

Maybe this is acceptable within certain communities. It is considered weird and off in the general world.
I am sure most of us want our kids to be empowered enough and capable of working outside of a few 'heimish' companies.

creditcards

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:15 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

That's right if it's possible then it should be done. But parents need to know if their child is ready for the next step when coached and not just remove themselves from the situation and trust their teen will handle it when they won't. I was taught by my child's ABA therapist that we always challenge the child just a little above of what they are doing now and what we know for sure they can be successful doing. If we challenge them with something that's too hard for them that they will not succeed and then that just leads them to have a feeling of failure. Before we challenge our teens we need to assess what level they are upto and if what we are expecting them to do is something that they have good chances of being successful with it.

creditcards

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:21 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

We can want our kids to be empowered. If it works and gets them empowered then great. But these kids don't always get empowered when they needed to always fend for themselves. That is not always the recipe for empowerment. Sometimes it leads to just the opposite. Sometimes it can take well into adulthood that they are empowered and feel ready.

creditcards

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:24 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

That's right and the coaching needs to start at a younger age. Before they become teens.
It's an anxiety disorder not that dissimilar to selective mutism and no parent would dream.of just ignoring that and constantly speaking for their kid.

Coaching a selective mute child to speak will NOT lead to good results. There are other ways of dealing with it and all of them do not involve the child even knowing about it.
I'm not saying to just ignore the problem. But still speak up for your kid when needed.

Last edited by creditcards on Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

creditcards

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:28 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Its actually not very acceptable and considered weird until you actually feel it with your own flesh and blood, and know people who are this way and see their good qualities even if they aren't the best talkers.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:28 pm

I wasn't referring to selective mutism when I said coaching. I was just saying that parents shouldn't ignore social anxiety just like they wouldn't ignore selective mutism.
That's all. They are both crippling to the child and it is unfair not to get them the help they need in a timely manner instead of just waiting and hoping they grow out of it in order to function properly.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:29 pm

creditcards wrote:

Coaching a selective mute child to speak will NOT lead to good results. There are other ways of dealing with it and all of them do not involve the child even knowing about it.

Nowhere does op state her dd suffers from crippling anxiety.
The dd seems to be a normally functioning teen. Micromanaging her at this stage does her no favors.

#BestBubby

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Two things stopped me from confronting the teacher: 1. Her contact information is not published. 2. Had I been able to get her contact information, and talked to her, she would have explained the situation, of course, not in a negative way and then I would have been forced to accept it and do nothing or discuss it with the principal anyway which would have literally been "tattling" as you say.

At least, with the principal being involved, I would hope that an earnest investigation into the matte would have been instigated and the teacher is then at least aware that there are parents sensitive such issues and hold teachers accountable for good behavior.

I 100% believe my DD.

1. You could have left a message with the office for teacher to call you.

2. You should never tattle to the boss unless you first spoke to the teacher and the situation does not improve.

Would you like someone to complain to YOUR boss without FIRST giving you a chance to improve?

Last edited by #BestBubby on Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

creditcards

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:33 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

I'm not saying not to take care of the problem. But for sure speak up for your kid when needed. Not sure if Ops daughter needed it. But if she couldn't do it after being coached then she needs it.

Amalia

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:52 pm

octopus wrote:

Don't worry your call did do something even though the administration backed their teacher. This teacher will be more careful hopefully. I've always found that when schools get defensive and in the moment it seems like the phone call did nothing, in actuality , the "event" never repeated itself again.
Anyway, I think its fine you called. As long its a one time thing and you are not constantly calling the school.

I think this is a very interesting thought. Thank you!
(I am not the OP, though.)

amother

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:56 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Nowhere does op state her dd suffers from crippling anxiety.
The dd seems to be a normally functioning teen. Micromanaging her at this stage does her no favors.

Actually my DD does suffer a lot from anxiety. It can get to a very unrealistic level. She is on meds and sees an MD.

One of the reasons I felt strongly about intervening is that I didn't want to have a whole year of things like this happen and my DD confidence go even further down.

in retrospect, I should have attempted to clear this up with the teacher first but I can see minuses to that approach as well. It would have forced me to go to the prinicpal. The principal works very closely with parents in general and seems to be the first line of communication.

I, of course, would encourage my DD to do what she can when she needs to stand up for herself, but I knew in this instance she was not going to. (she said so) And plus, there is nothing she could have done in this situation, in my opinion, that would have helped.