Constant stealing | Imamother

amother

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 3:55 am

What would you do about a child who is very caring, kind and has fine middos but nevertheless is stealing money daily? I have a different opinion for others in the family because I feel the child should NOT be made to return the money because the child is doing this as an urgent cry for life to not be so very hard which is the case in many different areas.

Others feel what the child is doing is definitely wrong and the child should be made to see this and has to return the money.

The child has said that if therapy is given to him/her, the child will refuse to go to school.

WWYD?

amother

Freesia

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 4:03 am

amother OP wrote:

You don’t mention age but I’m going to assume if he’s old enough to say the manipulating “then I won’t go to school” he’s not a small child.

Stealing is wrong- cry for help or not, it’s a serious offense - from thr torah and from plain society- and it is not an action that is compatible with social acceptance. Letting it go is not doing him a favor.

And you need to address the cry for help by getting him help. Not sure about the specifics of stealing, but if it’s happening I’m school he can’t go back until he address it. If it’s happening at home, he can’t have access to any money until he addresses it etc. make it so that he is the one asking for therapy so that he can go back to being trusted and/or able to go to school etc

amother

Rainbow

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 4:11 am

Definitely a point that he is exercising his independence and sense of control by stealing. A therapist needs to get involved in how to give him the security he needs in a healthy way by guiding those around home. Being harsh can push him away. But definitly put stop to the stealing asap in a smart way.

amother

Tealblue

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 4:18 am

Does he have any other way of accessing money or the stuff that are age or socially appropriate?
IMHO, children that are stealing for perceived survival are highly adaptive and will completely stop this behavior once given other means.

amother

Winterberry

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 5:00 am

As a big child/young teenager I used to steal (small things), and would only do it in situations without repercussions.
Life was emotionally hard for me, and I felt denied of a lot. (due to family circumstances)

I would maybe look for an afternoon job with a good role model/big brother type with good middos.
He should be able to have money and also earn back what he stole. Maybe have a little talk about 'mine and yours' NOT IN AN ACCUSATIVE WAY. try to listen and understand his needs to have. Speak about he right and wrong way to go about things, responsible actions. Then tell him about this 'job offer' and decide together how much% of the money earned should go to paying back, and how much should be pocket.

balance

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 5:01 am

Even if you're right and this is a cry for help, every time the child takes and does not have to return, you are reinforcing the message that this is okay. If you need something, it's okay to victimize someone else to get it. And it's not. It's never okay to take what doesn't belong to you.
Even if the child has a need for something they are not getting, this is not the way to get it.

Could you consider giving pocket money so they don't feel the need to take? You have to show them appropriate ways of filling their needs.

About therapy - I would call their bluff. No problem. Right now therapy is more important than school. Go for the therapy and you can stay home. Obviously the therapist should have no connection to the school and no one from the school should know about it. I'm pretty sure that they will go back to school.

Both these examples - the stealing and the therapy, point to you having a certain fear of parenting your child with assertiveness. You need to think about that. You shouldn't be scared of doing the right thing by your child.

amother

Cognac

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 5:57 am

First start by giving him a daily or weekly allowance. Sit down and discuss with the child how much they feel the need.
Second make it impossible for the child to steal. Why is the child able to steal on a daily basis? There should be no cash around.
Once the child is given money and he isn't able to steal easily see if the stealing stops. If it continues then there needs to be a psychological /psychiatric evaluation to rule out something like kleptomania.

amother

Daylily

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 7:28 am

amother OP wrote:

The parent should go to therapy and learn how to
1. Give the child what they need
2. Put up proper boundaries
3. Focus on natural consequences

amother

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 7:28 am

I am not saying I don't want to stop them.

I feel the child most definitely needs to have therapy even if the child is saying they will not go to school if forced to have therapy. My feeling is to really help the child a soft and gradual approach is going to be much more of a help then stressing to the child that stealing is very wrong.

amother

Freesia

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 7:38 am

amother OP wrote:

Stealing IS very very wrong. And he’s 12 years old not 3 so he can understand natural consequences for very very wrong behavior. He is harming other people by stealing and that cannot be ignored. The more you ignore it or go too soft, the more he thinks it’s ok if he wants something to just take it. Maybe even by excusing himself by saying that he has a “need”. Natural consequences like having to pay it back, having to work to pay it back, not being able to get pizza that week in order to pay it back etc aren’t harsh, they are just the natural consequence of an action that hurt someone else.

Iymnok

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 7:38 am

Give them the positive attention they are missing. If it is very clear they stole, they must return it.
Spend 10 minutes a day exclusively with them, touch them -shoulder rub, hug, high five… compliment them.

These are things all kids need, but this child is lacking more.

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 7:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Stealing is not something a child will go to jail for, that is sure.

How can you say that? It seems to be something he doesn’t see as bad. Or part of a massive issue. He will have no probable stealing in business, stealing from coworkers, stealing from the government. I would get professional help now this is serious. And I’m even more concerned that you say he’a a good kid, then I’d worry it could be a disorder.

amother

Cognac

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 7:52 am

amother OP wrote:

1. Give him a daily allowance
2. Make sure he has NO access to money. It should basically be impossible for him to steal
3. If he still steals then he needs to have a psychological /psychiatric evaluation.

balance

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 9:43 am

amother OP wrote:

There is no contradiction here. Use a soft and gentle approach to insist that this is wrong and then a gradual approach to work on the core issues.

There are some behaviors that just have to stop. You don't have to be aggressive about it but they have to stop.

And age-wise?
Even a 3 yr old can understand that you don't take what isn't yours. However small a 12 yr old is, they are fully capable of dealing with this reality.

This may sound a little harsh but you are not doing your child any favors allowing them to think that this behavior is acceptable even under extenuating circumstances.
The result will be that even after therapy, if the child is under big stress/big need etc. they will revert to this behavior. You have to show that this is wrong. No two ways of looking at it.

balance

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 9:46 am

amother OP wrote:

Stealing is not something a child will go to jail for, that is sure.

What are you trying to say? If they won't go to jail so it's not that bad?

Stealing is akin to lying.
Not being straight.

A clear pathway to destroying their relationships, deceiving others, not being straight in business. Look at all the threads here of people feeling that their spouse/friend/business partner is not being straight with them.

Being mechanech a child to be straight, open and honest is probably one of the most important things a parent needs to teach.