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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
OP
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 Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:27 pm
Hi. Recently tested positive for the BRCA gene. After discussing the situation with a genetic counselor my husband and I came to the conclusion that he should get tested as well. Although there’s a very small chance for my husband to test positive, if he does then with every baby we have there’s a 25% chance of the baby being born with severe health complications. I’m not sure the medical term but some kind of leukemia is one of the many issues the baby can have. Bottom line, my husband went to the doctor today to get the bloodwork, and he calls me from the doctors office that the doctor wants to talk to me. I said ok. Doctor proceeds to ask me if I asked a Dayan or lor permission to do the testing. According to him if I find out my husband is positive and then proceed to do ivf or decide not to have more kids it’s problematic. Additionally he said why the need to live an anxious life not knowing if you might get cancer or not. I was so so mad. I wanted to scream that it’s none of his business but instead I politely told him that this is between my husband and I and Hashem . He was taken aback as he thought a Frum women from kj would listen to him. He also told me it’ll cost $2000 because insurance wouldn’t approve his testing. Although we do not have from where to take the money we will somehow have to come up with it because its extremely important for me to be in the know. I’m fuming mad at him. I think it’s completely inappropriate for a doctor to say something like ask a Dayan. Why can he just do his job that he’s getting paid for? It irks me. I hate when ppl tell me what to do. Some decisions are between you and Hashem.
Rant over.
Am I being unreasonable?
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singleagain
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:29 pm
No you are not being unreasonable.
It is not the doctor's place to lecture you about that. It isn't anyone's place to say anything like that
Last edited by singleagain on Fri, Apr 28 2023, 4:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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sevengirl
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:29 pm
Nope not unreasonable at all.
Doctor is in the wrong
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amother
Papaya
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:30 pm
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not this exactly but that is one of the reasons I don't like seeing jewish doctors.
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amother
DarkGreen
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:31 pm
Not unreasonable
Knowledge is power
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ShishKabob
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:33 pm
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I wouldn’t call it unethical, more like overstepping his boundaries. However, maybe he was trying to inform you that it may be problematic Halacha wise, which you may have not been aware of. Hugs op!
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amother
DarkGreen
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:34 pm
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If you are interested in filling a complaint with the state you may be able to
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amother
RosePink
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:35 pm
You are not being unreasonable at all. The doctor was way out of line. Is he Jewish?
I've had even non Jewish doctors tell me "oh in your community they don't do this test". I replied "I want to hear about it anyway I don't do everything my community does".
Very unethical when dr.s make medical assumptions based on your appearance.
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OceanRider
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:39 pm
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I’m not sure it’s unethical but it’s certainly strange
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ra_mom
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:39 pm
I'm so sorry!
May you hear Besuros Tovos!
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amother
OP
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:39 pm
| amother RosePink wrote: | You are not being unreasonable at all. The doctor was way out of line. Is he Jewish?
I've had even non Jewish doctors tell me "oh in your community they don't do this test". I replied "I want to hear about it anyway I don't do everything my community does".
Very unethical when dr.s make medical assumptions based on your appearance. |
Yes he’s Jewish.
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amother
NeonOrange
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:39 pm
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I’ve had similar situations from non Jewish doctors “ you people don’t/can’t do this” the worst was the labor and delivery nurse who told us that my husband can’t do something according to my rules, that I was actually given a psak that I can do. Why do they think they get to tell us how to be Jewish.
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amother
Blue
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:39 pm
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This doctor is demonstrating that he has his own agenda. I wouldn't trust him to give me accurate information after an exchange like this. I would be afraid that he would deliberately manipulate the situation to try to get me not to take actions he disapproves of. YMMV, but that's my reaction.
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ra_mom
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:40 pm
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Very possibly if he would have gently asked did you want to discuss this with a rav first, and then if you asked him why, and he explained his reasoning (and you'd still have said no thank you, we're ready to proceed), it may have come across differently. But instead of asking or educating, he asserted his authority (and religious beliefs, which is unethical) and patronized you. Inexcusable.
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amother
Offwhite
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:41 pm
| amother DarkGreen wrote: | | If you are interested in filling a complaint with the state you may be able to |
So to counter a comment that overstepped boundaries (debatable because many times drs who are familiar with our community will say these things just to keep us informed) then she should do a much worse thing and become a moser?? How far have we fallen?
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amother
Lightyellow
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:42 pm
Genetic testing is extremely tricky territory ethically ecen in completely irregligious circles, and especially within the medical community. Geneticists are required to give you the full run down and make sure you understand the complete ramifications of the testing you are about to do. Maybe you and your husband were fully informed, but certainly not everyone is.
You're probably highly emotional from all this, understandably. You may see things in a different light when you are calmer.
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Ema of 5
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:43 pm
| ShishKabob wrote: | | I wouldn’t call it unethical, more like overstepping his boundaries. However, maybe he was trying to inform you that it may be problematic Halacha wise, which you may have not been aware of. Hugs op! |
It’s not unethical for a doctor to speak to someone who isn’t their patient and call into question their medical decisions?
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amother
OP
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:43 pm
| amother Blue wrote: | | This doctor is demonstrating that he has his own agenda. I wouldn't trust him to give me accurate information after an exchange like this. I would be afraid that he would deliberately manipulate the situation to try to get me not to take actions he disapproves of. YMMV, but that's my reaction. |
I didn’t think this far.
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amother
OP
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:44 pm
| ra_mom wrote: | | Very possibly if he would have gently asked did you want to discuss this with a rav first, and then if you asked him why, and he explained his reasoning (and you'd still have said no thank you, we're ready to proceed), it may have come across differently. But instead of asking or educating, he asserted his authority (and religious beliefs, which is unethical) and patronized you. Inexcusable. |
Agreed.
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amother
Whitewash
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Fri, Apr 28 2023, 3:46 pm
Did you already get the tests done? If yes, make sure you get the results straight from the lab. You’ll be fine.
But I’d use a different doctor for the future.
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