Married DC Shalom Bayis

amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:06 pm

SIL2 has been talking to me a lot about their shalom bayis, which seems to be in shambles. DD2 is completely focused on the children and ignores him in every possible way. SIL feels lonely and marginalized. He has begged her to go to therapy with him but she simply shuts him down immediately. SIL doesn't have a good relationship with his father and doesn't have a mother so has "adopted" me as mom, which I usually like. I love him like my own. Really. But I feel helpless here.

hodeez

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:13 pm

Do you have an idea why she is acting this way? When I focus on the kids and ignore my husband I'm usually fuming at him or in the middle of a disagreement..

amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:14 pm

giftedmom wrote:

So many boundaries breached where even to begin? Sigh.

Not really the point. There are 7 little lives at stake and he is desperate.

amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:17 pm

hodeez wrote:

Do you have an idea why she is acting this way? When I focus on the kids and ignore my husband I'm usually fuming at him or in the middle of a disagreement..

This has been the status quo for at least 5 years. I actually don't think it has as much to do with him as with being angry at herself. She was one of those perfect girls- smart, pretty, talented, great student, camper of the year...and I think she thought she would be better at adult things than other people. In the end she struggles with the same issues as everyone and is disappointed in herself.

giftedmom

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not really the point. There are 7 little lives at stake and he is desperate.

It’s the entire point. You will never be the savior of this marriage. You can only potentially make things worse.
And what about your daughter? What about her life? Right or wrong she’s the one you gave birth to.

English3

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:23 pm

It really isn't appropriate for you to help him with his shalom bayis. Its ok for him to vent but it is not your role as mother to your child to mix in. Your job is to help your daughter cope with the little ones by giving her emotional and physical support as much as you can.
You can guide your son in law to talk to a rav/mentor or therapist but then you have to step out and tell him that you are not a therapist but a mil and your here to support the family as a team not their shalom bayis.

amother

Linen

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:26 pm

hodeez wrote:

Do you have an idea why she is acting this way? When I focus on the kids and ignore my husband I'm usually fuming at him or in the middle of a disagreement..

This. One thousand percent this.

Why is she so focused on the kids?

amother

Mint

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:28 pm

Boundaries are important but when someone is struggling they become blurred. Her SIL is reaching out for help because he is desperate. So setting aside boundaries for a minute. How can you help him? It sounds like helping her would be the most beneficial to him, her and the children.

From what you say your daughter is struggling at being less than perfect (which we all are) in "grownupping". What help can you get her to realize that we are all human and no one is perfect? Perhaps if she were happier with herself, she could allow him in.

giftedmom

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:30 pm

amother Mint wrote:

Or he’s manipulating and using her to get back at his wife

amother

Mint

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:35 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Or he’s manipulating and using her to get back at his wife

Possibly, but OP seems to agree with what he is presenting.

amother

NeonYellow

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:44 pm

Could she just be really overwhelmed and that’s why she’s focusing on the kids? She has 7 kids?! That’s a lot. Does he help enough? Maybe she isn’t getting enough help and that’s why she’s focusing on the kids. I have one only and feel I barely have time for myself… it’s a alot.

dankbar

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:50 pm

Is it possible, that she is feeling inadequate, because she cant reach his high expectations of her? Maybe you are dissapointed in her, which doesnt help? Then she feels like a failure, which feeds into the vicious cycle? Is it possible that if he accepts her, for who she is, with her flaws, that she she will feel better about herself, which will help her function better? Maybe sge needs a break, can you vabysit and sent them off on a vacation together or even a date night where they can connect and dont have to worry about childcare? Can you give them money to go to therapy, but you dont get involved, because its not your place? Did you tell your daughter that you are here to support her, and if shes ready to.open up, youre here to listen?

giftedmom

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:51 pm

amother Mint wrote:

Possibly, but OP seems to agree with what he is presenting.

Which to me is the reddest red flag

small bean

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 6:52 pm

Maybe you can offer to take the kids once a week so they can have a date night. If they can have fun together again, it could help make room for the underlying issues.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:03 pm

My personality disordered ex did this with my parents. Be careful op. It could be classic projection.

Not saying this guy is disordered just to have your antennas up in such a serious situation.

Did your daughter have a normal relationship with you and others before she got married? If your daughter acts differently than before, than it might possibly all be her husbands fault even if he seems like an amazing husband.