Married DC Shalom Bayis

amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:12 pm

small bean wrote:

Maybe you can offer to take the kids once a week so they can have a date night. If they can have fun together again, it could help make room for the underlying issues.

I have suggested this. It is years since they have gone out even just for a walk together.

amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:16 pm

small bean wrote:

And your daughter says no? Did you press her as to why?

She says she is too busy. She doesn't see her friends either. She had a significant birthday a couple of years ago and I really pushed her to have lunch with me and she talked for weeks about how this messed up her schedule.

amother

Opal

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:18 pm

[quote="amother Lilac"]My personality disordered ex did this with my parents. Be careful op. It could be classic projection.

Not saying this guy is disordered just to have your antennas up in such a serious situation.

Did your daughter have a normal relationship with you and others before she got married? If your daughter acts differently than before, than it might possibly all be her husbands fault even if he seems like an amazing husband.[/quotew

What is projection

small bean

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hmm. She sounds really rigid.

What does she do in the evenings? Does she work out of the house?

Could she have ppd?

amother

Natural

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

SIL2 has been talking to me a lot about their shalom bayis, which seems to be in shambles. DD2 is completely focused on the children and ignores him in every possible way. SIL feels lonely and marginalized. He has begged her to go to therapy with him but she simply shuts him down immediately. SIL doesn't have a good relationship with his father and doesn't have a mother so has "adopted" me as mom, which I usually like. I love him like my own. Really. But I feel helpless here.

Delete

amother

NeonYellow

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

It really sounds like she is overwhelmed and really thrives on structure. Anything not in her schedule/ routine is difficult for her (also spending time with her husband).

amother

Green

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:35 pm

I think she needs a psychiatrist and a therapist.
Why doesn't she accept the help she clearly needs?
Sil is a victim. Looks like he's trying and reaching out for help. It doesn't sound like he's the problem.
Can you take care of the kids and let them go away for a week end?
Are you able to pay for cleaning lady or cleaning service once a week?

amother

Lime

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

https://psychcentral.com/healt.....-like

Read "Character Assassination" in the next:
https://www.betterhelp.com/adv.....-are/

I know someone else in an abusive relationship. Answer to everything: "I'm busy".

Not sure if you can help.

amother

Lemon

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 7:38 pm

Yes, there is a small chance that sil has a personality disorder.

But within context, more likely he does not.

It sounds just as likely he desperately is asking the only mother in his life to try convince his wife to join him in therapy.

But, let's say he is desperate and nothing manipulative is going on, guess who doesn't belong interfering? OP.

So, all she can do is say I love you, I support whatever will give you & dd happiness. If there is any way I can help, babysitting, whatever, let me know.

Maybe refer him to his Rav for more impartial but experienced advice.

amother

Freesia

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 8:02 pm

I'm having a very hard time reading some of the responses on this thread. My husband has a mental illness. It took time for it to become obvious that that's what the issues was. In the beginning of his struggles, I was having a very hard time dealing with his issues. I needed support and my parents lived overseas and couldn't help out. So I went to my inlaws for help. Bh it was also obvious to them that something was going on and they were a tremendous support to me.

By now we've been to multiple rabbonim and marriage counselors, everyone but him agrees that our problems are due to his mental health issues. Including my inlaws. Thanks to their support I'm able to be a functional mother to my children and they're living stable, functional lives. I can't even imagine where we would be today if they wouldn't have believed me.

If op is seeing the same issues that her sil is seeing then maybe we can trust her that her dd has the problem here. If she was basing it all on what her sil is telling her that would be different. This is not her ganging up on her dd with her sil, this is a desperate mother trying to help her own dd and grandchildren.

amother

Arcticblue

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 8:08 pm

amother Mint wrote:

Boundaries are important but when someone is struggling they become blurred. Her SIL is reaching out for help because he is desperate. So setting aside boundaries for a minute. How can you help him? It sounds like helping her would be the most beneficial to him, her and the children.

From what you say your daughter is struggling at being less than perfect (which we all are) in "grownupping". What help can you get her to realize that we are all human and no one is perfect? Perhaps if she were happier with herself, she could allow him in.

Thank you for expressing his side! This has probably been going on a while and he has no one to turn to. Quite frankly, I think it's almost wiser to go to her parents than to tell his parents about his wife's behavior.

I actually did this once with my MIL about DH. He was out of a job, we had no money, and I needed her advice. She raised him for G-d's sake. I made it clear that I did not want my husband to know that we spoke. I just wanted her to know where we were at and wanted to know if she could give me advice on how to help him.

Is that so wrong?

amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 8:08 pm

amother Freesia wrote:

Thank you.

I definitely see the same issues and other people in the family (including my sister and a couple of the older children!) have come to me too. My sil is not grooming me or trying to get me to gang up on my dd. He is scared and sad, and I'm closest he has to a parent.

Cheiny

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 8:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

You are the wrong person for him to involve when it comes to his shalom bayis, and it’s a breach of trust for you to listen to his side of things behind your dd’s back. When she finds out I would imagine she will feel betrayed.

They need to take their problems to a professional and I believe you should tell your SIL that it was a mistake for you to have allowed him to involve you in this, and then refer him to a marriage counselor.

amother

Arcticblue

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 8:11 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Except that she doesn't want to speak to a professional. Now what...?

Cheiny

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 8:33 pm

amother Arcticblue wrote:

Except that she doesn't want to speak to a professional. Now what...?

Her SIL is a grown adult. He needs to be the one to find someone appropriate to consult with for guidance. That person should not be the MIL. This is inappropriate. I can almost predict her relationship with her daughter will be negatively affected as soon as her daughter gets wind of this and starts feeling like her mother and dh have gotten together and are talking behind her back. I’m not saying that’s so but she will likely feel that way.

I know of a very similar situation with distant relatives of mine, and right now the wife is no longer speaking to her mother because the mother is on good terms with her dh and daughter perceived it as mother taking sides against her, whether the perception is accurate or not.

amother

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 8:34 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Reminds me of the politicians who say we have to allow homeless people to run into traffic or sleep in the streets in the cold bc it is their civil liberty to do so.
This is a family in immense crisis and a terrified young man trying to save his home and his children. I don't really care if dd is mad. When she is ok we will have it out and she will understand.