I'm so irritated by her stupid teenage behavior...

amother

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:49 pm

It hurts to see my 13 year old acting super insecure.

She uses lots of negative self talk, such as telling me that she knows that she won't do well on an upcoming test, or, insisting that she looks "fat" in her outfit when she actually has a great figure.

She will redo her hair multiple times before accepting it as 'good enough', criticize the food as "disgusting" or "eeeeew", and act super timid around any confident person her own age.

I hate to see how small she feels around the hotshots in her class, the uber smart and uber confident girls. Often she'll even be very insecure about starting up a conversation with any one of her shy cousins. I force myself to be patient and not push her.

She doesn't do very well in school, however she tries hard, at least most of the time. Her marks are typically below 80% and she's just used to it at this point. PTA isn't fun at all. I wish she made me prouder.

She also isn't very articulate, often not doing a great job of explaining herself or sharing her thoughts and feelings. Overall, her speech can seem immature and silly, and is laced with a ton of kvetching and self-deprecating comments. This is tough to listen to.

By comparison, my slightly younger daughter is strong in most of these areas, making her a much easier child to parent.

I know that all this sounds harsh, that I have lots and lots to be thankful for. I am trying to be a better parent here, and I'm willing to accept any and all criticism and insight for how to do better. I know that having a mother who values and appreciates you is core to having confidence, and I'm definitely stuck because I don't appreciate these qualities.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention her good qualities. She is quite relational, easily making new friends wherever she goes. She is great at choosing good friends. She is kind and nurturing and will make a great mother someday. She is polite and friendly and has never been chutzpadig to school staff. She is aidel and sometimes even encourages me to do favors for people.

She is also disciplined (I'll take a bit of credit for this one), fun to hang with, and great at planning parties or games.

The reason why all this bothers me so much is because my own mother didn't appreciate my wonderful qualities. I feel like she really missed out on a great gift in life - me. Our personalities are opposite, and she struggled and fought so hard with me, that my insecurities blossomed, and it has left me with a huge mother wound. I hate to be reminded of all this, to feel how my mother must've felt about me.

Thoughts, advice, insights?

Success10

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:53 pm

I hope I don't come across as too harsh, but the sooner you separate your own baggage from your daughter, the sooner she'll feel better about herself.

chocolate pie

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:12 pm

I commend you for being open to criticism. One thing that struck me is that you wrote you wish she would make you prouder. Children are not there to be our nachas machines. I think you have to show her how proud you are of her efforts and good qualities.
Also I wouldn’t use the word stupid even in my mind because it’s teenage behavior, but I don’t think it’s stupid. The more you can reframe in your mind positively, the more you can express that to your daughter.

chocolate pie

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:14 pm

I just want to add that most of the behaviors you wrote about sound like poor self esteem and social insecurity. That is why I wouldn’t categorize them as stupid.

chocolate pie

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:15 pm

It’s great that you recognize her good qualities, try to focus on those.

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:17 pm

Hugs! It’s hard to parent when you see things that could be better, when you yourself are hurting.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:29 pm

You need to be proud of her for who she is, instead of wanting her to make you prouder. It is not the duty of our children to make their parents proud. It is the duty of parents to be proud of each of their kids as their own person, without comparing them to others.
You need to accept your daughter for who she is & be proud of her for who she is without comparing her to others.

OP, perhaps your daughter may benefit from social skills classes. It did a world of good for my daughter.

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:32 pm

Have you ever discussed your own childhood wounds with a therapist IRL? I know my mother tried her best with me, but I have a very different personality from her, and I was left with a lot of wounds. I thought I would be the best parent in the world because of my awareness of pain, but as my daughter is getting older, I find that when she triggers me, different unresolved hurt parts in me lash out - and I am not the mother I expected to be. I think if you can deal with your own baggage, you'll be left with a more realistic idea of what's yours and what's hers - and how much you need to look away - and how much you can actively invest in helping her.

amother

Honey

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:33 pm

Get her and you each a therapist asap and start working on building her self esteem. Is it possible you add to her feeling so bad about herself? She probably picks up on your irritation and you need to get rid of it immediately.

#BestBubby

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:44 pm

You should be very proud of your daughter.

I am sure she has 1,000,000% better middos than those uber confident girls.

Don't worship arrogance, that is not a Jewish value.

oneofakind

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:00 pm

Would benefit from Language therapy from a speech therapist.

Cheiny

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 5:58 pm

amother Honey wrote:

Totally agree.

OP, I’m sure your daughter picked up on your many negative feelings and that’s contributing to her lack of self esteem, the same way your mother affected you.

Please get into therapy to work through your past, and help you move forward with your daughter in a better way so you can build her up and be supportive.

Coffee beanz

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 6:08 pm

Besides for all the good advice above I would recommend finding a mutually enjoyable low pressure activity to do together. It doesn't have to be long.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 6:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

1) please do not compare her to her younger sister
2) give her time to grow into herself. It's normal to be insecure at 13.
3) find a way to express to her that she is good enough the way she is right now
4) emphasize her positive qualities as much as possible

amother

Blueberry

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 6:24 pm

The best thing I did for my parenting was to notice how I felt triggered by my kids and process that with my therapist until I was no longer triggered.
I’m sure you know being a teen is SO hard and confusing, I’ve got a bunch of them myself. I think they just need to feel tons of unconditional love and trust me, I know how hard that can be!

sequoia

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 6:30 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

You should be very proud of your daughter.

I am sure she has 1,000,000% better middos than those uber confident girls.

Don't worship arrogance, that is not a Jewish value.

Totally agree.

amother

Currant

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 8:02 pm

OP, since you said you are open to suggestions, I'm asking this gently. How do you feel about yourself? Are you at peace with yourself, do you accept yourself as you are? You don't need to respond to this here, but I'm wondering if your daughter's insecurity is triggering your own feelings of insecurity and of not managing to measure up.

And then a vicious cycle, as your dd mirrors your own self-talk.

I think the solution is to work on your own self-acceptance.

Also, you can have a conversation with your dd about negative and positive self talk, and how the things we tell ourselves influence how we feel about ourselves.

#BestBubby

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 9:06 pm

sequoia wrote:

Totally agree.

That is rare. Let's make a kiddush 🍷

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 9:26 pm

Please do not use the word "stupid" about anybody in your family. Only politicians.

You two are remarkably alike.

I sympathize with both of you.

Good for you for seeing there is a problem and trying to work on it. Yeah, there is.

This is coming out of you and your own mom's history.

Tell her "I'm proud of you my dear." Those exact words. If she asks why, say, "I just am. Because you are growing up so well." That's vague and general. Keep it general There has been too much precision, score-keeping. Say you are proud of her just because.

If the PTA meetings about this particular daughter are resonating with you as if you were being yelled at by your own mother, maybe don't go to the next one. Don't let her know you did that.

Give this daughter nice clothes and nice things in general, dress her pretty. If jewelry is your family custom, some of that. Or nice nightgowns. Or whatever is done in your household along the line of feminine luxury.

Praise things she does. Right at the time she does them.

Ask her to help you a little in the kitchen, nothing complicated, and at table, say to everybody, "So and so was so helpful to me making this. It's hers, too, right?" with a smile. Public praise.

I admire your insight.

SuperWify

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 2:00 am

What’s wrong with getting 80s? Children aren’t meant to make their parents happy, if they were, they’d all be doing terrible jobs.

Heal yourself first.