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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Tue, Feb 13 2024, 4:26 pm
A different thread got me thinking. I’m so mad at DH right now I’ve blocked his number. I’m sorry this is so long!
DH works full time and the kids see him on Shabbos or call him if they need something specific. He has almost no part in raising them beyond carpool once a week and criticising the way I handle them. TBH, I have a great relationship with my kids but they are typical teenagers and they do need limits/reasonable rules. We eat supper together every day and schmooze. They hang out with their friends and have typical teenage things going on. Whenever I set limits that they don’t like (and my motto is to say yes unless I have a reason to say no, so I’m fairly flexible), they push the limits as teens do. If I ever complain to him he says “I don’t want to hear about it” and “stop fighting with them all the time.” He wants no part in raising them although he won’t hesitate to take credit when they’re successful (“they love schmoozing on the phone to me” is his go-to pat on the back for himself, and “I helped her write that report on the phone that she got an A on”). It makes my blood boil.
For example, this Shabbos I told him that DD isn’t getting the car on motzei Shabbos—he knew it was for good reason, I normally give it to them unless I need it—and we both knew she would be upset. Understandably so, but she knew that is the natural consequence to what she did. She tried her luck, as any teen would. His response was “leave me out of it.”
I got a call from dd’s school about her coming late (why do they always call me??) and when I asked him to speak to her he said “I’m not getting involved.” Um, can you please be there when tough things need to be said? I can’t always be the bad one!
I usually discuss their chinuch with him and he is very much on target but he almost never does the dirty work. If they call him about a sleepover we discussed, he caves. “I didn’t say yes, I said I’d rather not. I’m sorry you are angry that she’s going.” Really?! He takes zero responsibility and when things get bumpy (more often now because one dd is struggling and started hanging out with the wrong crowd), he runs for the hills instead of being mechanech them to avoid confrontation at all costs. Said dd did something extremely dangerous one night. It needed immediate intervention she shouldn’t get hurt. He turned over in bed and said “be careful how you deal with it, I’m warning you you’ll cause long term damage to her” and went back to sleep. Not addressing it would have ended with either a) her getting in an accident, or b) getting away with sneaking out with the car and going who-knows-where. But he was nowhere in sight.
I am SO angry right now. He refuses any kind of therapy because according to him I’m the one that causes tension. My stupid mistake is complaining to him when there’s a hitch—which is not often, I’ll stress again, I’m usually flexible with them and we find a compromise—but he says he doesn’t want to hear because I’m “fighting with them.” Last week he finished by saying I’m a horrible mother (not those words but that’s the message he meant I forgot the exact words). The rest of the time when things are smooth as usual there’s no reason to toot my horn so he only hears about the hitches. I desperately want him to know I’m a good mother so I literally sent him screenshots of my interactions with them all day so he can see we don’t usually disagree. There were hundreds. I blew up his phone. But why do I have to prove to him I’m a good mother?
A wife can complain once in two weeks. He wants peace and harmony at all costs and never any raised voices. It doesn’t happen often but if he’s home then he criticizes me, often in front of them (yes, they should be doing that one chore they chose before watching a movie, it’s time sensitive!). His go to is “What does everyone else do? Nobody else fights with their kids.” Fights?? There’s never name-calling, cursing, mean things said, which I know happen in other houses. Never. Regular drama that is normal with teens! He just doesn’t want to be around arguments and quickly says things like that to shut it down. I can’t always give in to them to avoid discomfort. That’s not chinuch and I know my kids crave boundaries. (In fact, a few years ago dd told me so once when I honestly didn’t care if she does something she asked my opinion about. She was upset and said “I need you to care enough to tell me no sometimes.” I really didn’t care though, I was truly fine with it. Since then I give guidance when they want my opinion even though I don’t have one either way, both are fine.)
Raising teens is uncomfortable sometimes. Why am I alone in this??
I’m so done. Thanks for reading.
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amother
Slategray
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 4:36 pm
Im so sorry.
I can relate to a lot of situation.
My kids are younger.
Are you in therapy? It saved me!!
I am learning how to be a better person for myself.
If the kids see him shout at me let them see.
Its the reality.
If they see him belittle me I walk away or ignore.
Its the reality.
Answering back makes it worse and so does saying things like "we dont speak like that."
It might not be the same for you though.
I had to sit and work out with my therapist
Literally what is the best way for me to engage with him that is of the most benefit to me, and makes ME happier.
Evn if the situation is awful.
And what he is doing is wrong.
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Cheiny
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 4:43 pm
| amother OP wrote: | A different thread got me thinking. I’m so mad at DH right now I’ve blocked his number. I’m sorry this is so long!
DH works full time and the kids see him on Shabbos or call him if they need something specific. He has almost no part in raising them beyond carpool once a week and criticising the way I handle them. TBH, I have a great relationship with my kids but they are typical teenagers and they do need limits/reasonable rules. We eat supper together every day and schmooze. They hang out with their friends and have typical teenage things going on. Whenever I set limits that they don’t like (and my motto is to say yes unless I have a reason to say no, so I’m fairly flexible), they push the limits as teens do. If I ever complain to him he says “I don’t want to hear about it” and “stop fighting with them all the time.” He wants no part in raising them although he won’t hesitate to take credit when they’re successful (“they love schmoozing on the phone to me” is his go-to pat on the back for himself, and “I helped her write that report on the phone that she got an A on”). It makes my blood boil.
For example, this Shabbos I told him that DD isn’t getting the car on motzei Shabbos—he knew it was for good reason, I normally give it to them unless I need it—and we both knew she would be upset. Understandably so, but she knew that is the natural consequence to what she did. She tried her luck, as any teen would. His response was “leave me out of it.”
I got a call from dd’s school about her coming late (why do they always call me??) and when I asked him to speak to her he said “I’m not getting involved.” Um, can you please be there when tough things need to be said? I can’t always be the bad one!
I usually discuss their chinuch with him and he is very much on target but he almost never does the dirty work. If they call him about a sleepover we discussed, he caves. “I didn’t say yes, I said I’d rather not. I’m sorry you are angry that she’s going.” Really?! He takes zero responsibility and when things get bumpy (more often now because one dd is struggling and started hanging out with the wrong crowd), he runs for the hills instead of being mechanech them to avoid confrontation at all costs. Said dd did something extremely dangerous one night. It needed immediate intervention she shouldn’t get hurt. He turned over in bed and said “be careful how you deal with it, I’m warning you you’ll cause long term damage to her” and went back to sleep. Not addressing it would have ended with either a) her getting in an accident, or b) getting away with sneaking out with the car and going who-knows-where. But he was nowhere in sight.
I am SO angry right now. He refuses any kind of therapy because according to him I’m the one that causes tension. My stupid mistake is complaining to him when there’s a hitch—which is not often, I’ll stress again, I’m usually flexible with them and we find a compromise—but he says he doesn’t want to hear because I’m “fighting with them.” Last week he finished by saying I’m a horrible mother (not those words but that’s the message he meant I forgot the exact words). The rest of the time when things are smooth as usual there’s no reason to toot my horn so he only hears about the hitches. I desperately want him to know I’m a good mother so I literally sent him screenshots of my interactions with them all day so he can see we don’t usually disagree. There were hundreds. I blew up his phone. But why do I have to prove to him I’m a good mother?
A wife can complain once in two weeks. He wants peace and harmony at all costs and never any raised voices. It doesn’t happen often but if he’s home then he criticizes me, often in front of them (yes, they should be doing that one chore they chose before watching a movie, it’s time sensitive!). His go to is “What does everyone else do? Nobody else fights with their kids.” Fights?? There’s never name-calling, cursing, mean things said, which I know happen in other houses. Never. Regular drama that is normal with teens! He just doesn’t want to be around arguments and quickly says things like that to shut it down. I can’t always give in to them to avoid discomfort. That’s not chinuch and I know my kids crave boundaries. (In fact, a few years ago dd told me so once when I honestly didn’t care if she does something she asked my opinion about. She was upset and said “I need you to care enough to tell me no sometimes.” I really didn’t care though, I was truly fine with it. Since then I give guidance when they want my opinion even though I don’t have one either way, both are fine.)
Raising teens is uncomfortable sometimes. Why am I alone in this??
I’m so done. Thanks for reading. |
Wow, that’s so hard. Of course I’d recommend marriage counseling which your marriage (and his parenting) desperately need but since you say he won’t go, the best you can do is work through this with your own therapist.
He is not doing your kids any favors by refusing to parent when it’s warranted, and then taking credit for any interaction he has with them which he deems positive. Putting you down as a mother is unacceptable especially when he shirks his own parental responsibility.
What your kids are learning from his lack of proper parenting is not a good lesson, by far. Parents should be on the same page when dealing with their kids and it’s very destructive when it’s done in the way you describe your dh does it…
So as long as he refuses marital counseling, the best you can do is individual therapy for yourself. Good luck.
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oneofakind
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 4:46 pm
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He is a very unhealthy person and he's not changing. You trying to prove yourself and resenting him is a waste of energy. You sound like you are doing a great job. Get a therapist and learn how to ignore what he says and get support in being the best single parent you can be.
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amother
Burntblack
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 5:21 pm
He sounds really difficult . It’s like passive aggressive behavior. Ignore , ignore , ignore , criticize .
And what appears to be happening , based on your post , you are feeling attacked or judged and are resentful and therefore you react to your feelings . You sent him the photos to prove to him (and to yourself) that you are really a good mother . You know you are a good mother . But you reacted to that intense feeling instead of observing the feeling and giving yourself validation and compassion.
You also blocked his number. That’s a reactive type of behavior .
I think you’d benefit a lot by working on your own self care , self worth and going to therapy for yourself. You lack his support right now with child rearing , and therapy can help navigate your feelings and your childrens issues .
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amother
OP
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 5:24 pm
It’s nice to be understood. So there’s no hope, just like I thought. I’m in therapy but mostly for parenting. Ironically. I need it because I don’t trust myself. I grew up with an abusive mother and absentee father so I need to learn how to parent. We spend all the time discussing situations as they come up and how to deal with them, as well as planning my reactions to anticipated situations. There’s really no time for myself dealing with DH, and I’m already going twice a week. DH knows I’m uncertain about my parenting and doesn’t miss a chance to point out my incompetence. He is also quick to thank me when I tell him something came up and was resolved satisfactorily, but I wish he wouldn’t capitalize on my insecurities. Especially when it’s not like he takes over any part of it. It’s so easy to be an armchair parent.
I’m exhausted and angry. I love my kids fiercely and I am determined to raise them properly so I do run things by him to get his opinion beforehand but once something my comes up and it may need to be dealt with firmly (or consistently over and over) then he’s absent suddenly. It’s just not fair.
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amother
Midnight
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 5:24 pm
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Sounds hard but I think you have to fill your own tank. Once you feel positive in yourself, you'll feel the positivity from your DH and when there's negativity you'll be able to stand up for yourself without crashing.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 5:29 pm
| amother Midnight wrote: | | Sounds hard but I think you have to fill your own tank. Once you feel positive in yourself, you'll feel the positivity from your DH and when there's negativity you'll be able to stand up for yourself without crashing. |
How do you suggest filling my own tank? I would love for someone to validate and tell me I’m doing it right. DH tells me sometimes that DD—the struggling one—is lucky she has a mother that loves her and puts so much into our relationship to make sure to keep communication open, even while all her friends run wild. However, the minute things get tough his mean side comes out and all the good feelings I have evaporate. My confidence in my parenting is very fragile and he knows it. 😢
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amother
Burntblack
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 5:30 pm
| amother OP wrote: | It’s nice to be understood. So there’s no hope, just like I thought. I’m in therapy but mostly for parenting. Ironically. I need it because I don’t trust myself. I grew up with an abusive mother and absentee father so I need to learn how to parent. We spend all the time discussing situations as they come up and how to deal with them, as well as planning my reactions to anticipated situations. There’s really no time for myself dealing with DH, and I’m already going twice a week. DH knows I’m uncertain about my parenting and doesn’t miss a chance to point out my incompetence. He is also quick to thank me when I tell him something came up and was resolved satisfactorily, but I wish he wouldn’t capitalize on my insecurities. Especially when it’s not like he takes over any part of it. It’s so easy to be an armchair parent.
I’m exhausted and angry. I love my kids fiercely and I am determined to raise them properly so I do run things by him to get his opinion beforehand but once something my comes up and it may need to be dealt with firmly (or consistently over and over) then he’s absent suddenly. It’s just not fair. |
The best trick to know how to parent is to learn to parent yourself first . You need to do inner child healing .
I’m from a home of neglectful and abusive parents and I struggled so much with my parenting . I learned so much of how to be a parent , when I learned about setting my own boundaries , when I learned to love myself and have compassion and love towards my inner child. I also was able to learn why I react so emotionally to certain instances , as they are all triggering moments from my past . Ask your therapist if she does inner child work with her clients and if she can help you with that . This is the first step . Before marriage and before parenting
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amother
Pearl
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 5:39 pm
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His insisting it’s your fault smells of gaslighting to me. He’s taking zero ownership here.
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amother
Midnight
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 5:46 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | How do you suggest filling my own tank? I would love for someone to validate and tell me I’m doing it right. DH tells me sometimes that DD—the struggling one—is lucky she has a mother that loves her and puts so much into our relationship to make sure to keep communication open, even while all her friends run wild. However, the minute things get tough his mean side comes out and all the good feelings I have evaporate. My confidence in my parenting is very fragile and he knows it. 😢 |
Tell yourself you're a great parent etc. believe in yourself. Build from your own positivity
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amother
OP
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 5:48 pm
| amother Pearl wrote: | | His insisting it’s your fault smells of gaslighting to me. He’s taking zero ownership here. |
He. Never. Takes. Responsibility.
Seeing someone write that in a different thread made me realize I was correct. He literally says things like “I’m sorry you took it that way but that’s not what I said” when he’s hurtful. Deny, deny, deny. He literally never said I’m sorry, or at least not that I can remember. In his mind—and he truly believes this—he is never ever the cause of my distress. It’s my anxiety, my mental health, my inability to deal with life (his words), me growing up with abuse, me being a sick person, all this is my fault. I’m not denying I can be hurtful but afterwards I take responsibility and apologize either in person or by text. Then he uses my apology as proof later when we disagree about something to show how messed up I am.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 5:55 pm
| amother Burntblack wrote: | The best trick to know how to parent is to learn to parent yourself first . You need to do inner child healing .
I’m from a home of neglectful and abusive parents and I struggled so much with my parenting . I learned so much of how to be a parent , when I learned about setting my own boundaries , when I learned to love myself and have compassion and love towards my inner child. I also was able to learn why I react so emotionally to certain instances , as they are all triggering moments from my past . Ask your therapist if she does inner child work with her clients and if she can help you with that . This is the first step . Before marriage and before parenting |
I honestly have no strength to go back and dig up the past. After many years I’ve made peace with it. I have too much parenting work in the present that’s pressing for now. I don’t want to reopen old wounds and revisit the past. I’ve put it behind me. 3 sessions of therapy a week is a lot and we use up the two weekly sessions on parenting. According to him, any bad middos my kids have come from my side of the family. He takes credit for their brains and for the children that are good-natured, but says that anything they struggle with is on me. I used to believe it. I even repeated it to my sister who abruptly stopped me and said it isn’t true.
I wish I could knock him off his high horse and get him to see he’s not perfect. I have my flaws, and I know I’ve made many mistakes over the years. But I do know how to acknowledge them and apologize!
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amother
Burntblack
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 6:13 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I honestly have no strength to go back and dig up the past. After many years I’ve made peace with it. I have too much parenting work in the present that’s pressing for now. I don’t want to reopen old wounds and revisit the past. I’ve put it behind me. 3 sessions of therapy a week is a lot and we use up the two weekly sessions on parenting. According to him, any bad middos my kids have come from my side of the family. He takes credit for their brains and for the children that are good-natured, but says that anything they struggle with is on me. I used to believe it. I even repeated it to my sister who abruptly stopped me and said it isn’t true.
I wish I could knock him off his high horse and get him to see he’s not perfect. I have my flaws, and I know I’ve made many mistakes over the years. But I do know how to acknowledge them and apologize! |
Of course it’s up to you to decide. But usually if you reparent yourself , you learn through the process how to parent your child. You can’t truly love your child unless you truly love yourself , even those insecure child parts .
If I were you , I’d use the therapy sessions you go to now to focus on you . It trickles down to your children and even to DH when you begin to heal and become the best version of you that you can be. That means loving yourself unconditionally and not needing anyone else to give you validation, recognition or approval. It’ll all come from within. So if DH would be critical, you won’t feel defensive , since you will know how good you really are and you will believe it and will believe in yourself and your way too.
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amother
Pearl
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 6:21 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I honestly have no strength to go back and dig up the past. After many years I’ve made peace with it. I have too much parenting work in the present that’s pressing for now. I don’t want to reopen old wounds and revisit the past. I’ve put it behind me. 3 sessions of therapy a week is a lot and we use up the two weekly sessions on parenting. According to him, any bad middos my kids have come from my side of the family. He takes credit for their brains and for the children that are good-natured, but says that anything they struggle with is on me. I used to believe it. I even repeated it to my sister who abruptly stopped me and said it isn’t true.
I wish I could knock him off his high horse and get him to see he’s not perfect. I have my flaws, and I know I’ve made many mistakes over the years. But I do know how to acknowledge them and apologize! |
It sounds like your sister is a good egg at least.
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amother
Firebrick
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 6:23 pm
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You sound like an amazing mother. I wonder if you really need all those sessions to work on your mothering skills. I think you should ask your therapist what she thinks about using one session a week, or one every other week, to work on your marriage issues. You might be surprised!
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 6:42 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I honestly have no strength to go back and dig up the past. After many years I’ve made peace with it. I have too much parenting work in the present that’s pressing for now. I don’t want to reopen old wounds and revisit the past. I’ve put it behind me. 3 sessions of therapy a week is a lot and we use up the two weekly sessions on parenting. According to him, any bad middos my kids have come from my side of the family. He takes credit for their brains and for the children that are good-natured, but says that anything they struggle with is on me. I used to believe it. I even repeated it to my sister who abruptly stopped me and said it isn’t true.
I wish I could knock him off his high horse and get him to see he’s not perfect. I have my flaws, and I know I’ve made many mistakes over the years. But I do know how to acknowledge them and apologize! |
That sounds like gaslighting/narcisistic complex.
None of this is you fault.
You sound alone in your parenting journey, no partner whatsoever.
However I disagree with calling him a deadbeat father.
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#BestBubby
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 6:46 pm
OP, he is not going to change.
You are the primary caregiver so kids are closer to you.
So Ex DH is the permissive parent so kids should like him too.
Don't expect validation on your parenting from ex.
Find other support.
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amother
Poppy
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 6:50 pm
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It sounds like your children are smart and they recognize what is going on. In these types of marriages, I think you need to overcompensate a little bit for your husband’s lack. You may need to take on the disciplinary role without expecting support from him. Accept that he has this problem where he backs you up and then takes back his word if there is any arguing, and plan for this to happen everytime. Knowing that this will happen, take the best course of action. He says not to involve him. In your situation, it’s probably better if you don’t look to him for backup or approval. You’re doing a good job without him.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Feb 13 2024, 8:21 pm
| B'Syata D'Shmya wrote: | That sounds like gaslighting/narcisistic complex.
None of this is you fault.
You sound alone in your parenting journey, no partner whatsoever.
However I disagree with calling him a deadbeat father. |
I may be misusing the word deadbeat. I thought it means the same as an absentee father, which he is.
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