Please help me understand and stop these illogical behaviors

amother

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 8:48 pm

Here’s my back story:)
I was always a chubby kid growing up. My mother was a size 0, MAYBE 2 and used to constantly nag me about my weight. If she saw me eating cake or chips etc she would say “is that necessary?” “Are you really hungry??” Which would ofc make me just eat it (and then some) even if I wasn’t in the mood. She never taught me how to eat better and never made healthier food. I think she just expected me to eat what she served and be as thin as her.

In high school I started fad dieting with friends. I yo-yoed a lot and went from losing a ton of weight to gaining it back through the years. I never did it in a steady, healthy way but there were times I was really thin and had my mother’s approval. After seminary, I was careful to keep the weight off and was a thin size 4 through all my years of dating. I’m 5”2 and weighed between 115-120 (I worked out so had muscle.)

My husband comes from a family where they don’t even know what the word diet means. They eat whatever they want and they’re all thin. We got married and I started eating like him. I got pregnant right away and gained 55 pounds that first year. I lost most of it before getting pregnant again a year later and gaining another 50+ pounds! I was gaining and losing again in huge numbers. After my 3rd child, I got down to 130 pounds which I looked and felt great! Then Covid hit, I had another child, and the weight is only increasing. I kept saying I’ll NEVER get to 140 and then when I did I said I’ll NEVER get to 150….until now I’m almost reaching 180 pounds!!

Any time I think about dieting, I gain more. My sister got married and I said THAT will be an incentive and I didn’t lose a pound. I said I must lose weight before getting pregnant again, and that didn’t work either!! I feel horrible. I look horrible. I hate going to simchos. I hate family outings. Every single friend and sister of mine is skinny! I feel so inferior next to them. I don’t buy new clothes because I don’t want to be buying the sizes that I need. I WANT to be thin and be happy in my body, but then I have this blockage that keeps saying I’m good how I am and the food is just too compelling. I know I’m making bad food choices and I do it anyway! I say I’m starting a diet and then sit down to a slice of cheesecake. It doesn’t make sense!!! Everything contradicts itself!! I don’t know how to get out of this! I have multiple reminders go off every day to drink water, to go for walks, to eat a good lunch, and each day I press end ,end, end without thought. Why?? Why is my brain doing this?? Why do I have zero self control?? Why can’t I believe being thinner will make me happier than the food in front of me now?? Can someone please explain this to me and advise me? This is going on 4 years now and I don’t see an end in sight!

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 8:50 pm

What about focusing on one meal at a time, eating a filling nutritious well balanced meal? I love the advice about thinking what you can add to your diet, not what you cna eliminate. You can check out the salad thread and the sandwich thread! 😋

ellacoe

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:10 pm

This may or may not help, but it has worked for people that I have worked with.

First of all start thinking about how you eat. Ie Do you eat standing up? Do you put things on a plate or do you eat out of the bag or the container? Put together some good habits that you want to develop around how you eat.

The next step is to stop and think, why am I eating this? Am I hungry? Lean into your body and ask yourself, am I hungry now, or am I something else, ie bored, sad, angry, nervous etc. If the answer is an emotion, stop and work through that emotion. What am I sad about etc? Once you do that ask yourself do I still want to eat. If the answer is yes, it is ok, you are aware that you are eating because of an emotion not hunger, and that is a step in the right direction. But don't just eat everything in sight. Be aware, I am eating this because I had a hard day, ask yourself, I have had X amount of Y, do I need more or am I done? Don't beat yourself up.

Once you have created new habits, and are more in touch with why you are eating, you can move on to what you eat. Don't deprive yourself, but think before you eat, is this what I really want? Is this good for me, is there something that might be better. Nothing is forbidden. You can eat cheese cake as long as you aware, and don't eat it in a haze. Savor each bite and ask yourself after X bites, do I still want more, or have I had enough.

Plan your meals in advance, so that you are not stuck rummaging and end not eating well. Keep things on hand. Have fish, chicken etc in the fridge.

Growing

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:14 pm

would you try intermittent fasting?

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250.....pa-20

amother

Starflower

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:24 pm

It's not your fault.

Google Sugar Addiction Dr Robert Lustig.

Sugar / processed foods acts like cocaine in our bodies. No different than having a drug addiction.

I've quit processed foods multiple times over the last 15 years and I always fall off the wagon. I try a little cake and nothing bad happens, so then I have a little more and a little more, and before I know it, I'm sick and struggling again. But one thing I noticed, with time, it's getting easier to quit and I'm staying off longer.
It's a crazy long journey

Best of luck!!

amother

Carnation

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:26 pm

OP,
I SO get it!
I can so so relate.
Someone I spoke to once said it’s like some attachment related thing. Maybe I’m not sure.

But I just want you to know that I get it.

amother

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:28 pm

ellacoe wrote:

This may or may not help, but it has worked for people that I have worked with.
.

Thanks so much for your advice! What happens is I start off every day really well. I eat a nice wholesome healthy breakfast, and usually lunch as well. Then my kids come home from school and it’s just downhill. I’m starving at 5:00 so I eat with them, and then I eat with my husband, and then I’ll find myself snacking at night as well. I find I de-rail a ton! Let’s say yesterday, I went to the store to get a salad for lunch. They didn’t have any of the type I liked. So I ended up getting a sandwich, and then I ate my sons roll, and my other sons donut…! It’s like my good intentions don’t stick.

Many times I don’t eat bec im hungry but bec the food is SOOO GOOD. I’ll go for doubles and triples - I can’t portion control when it’s something I love. I just enjoy it too much.

It just doesn’t make sense to me bev I KNOW it’s wrong and I KNOW I’ll regret it, but I can’t stop myself. Even when I say, don’t do it, don’t do it, I feel a force pushing me to do it and that always wins.

amother

Carnation

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:28 pm

Some people’s brains have a disconnect.
Like I was eating chocolate that wasn’t good. Part of my brain knew that it didn’t taste good. But it didn’t send me a message saying, “this doesn’t taste good. Do you still want it?”.
I didn’t think that till after I finished it.

amother

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:31 pm

amother Starflower wrote:

Thank you for your kind words! I will research this!

amother

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:32 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

Yes exactly!! But it’s more of a “lhachis” attitude by me. It’s like I know it doesn’t even taste good but I still WANT to finish it. The question is why?? It doesn’t make sense to me. And then I feel so gross so I will put out the next chocolate to make me feel better 🙄

amother

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:34 pm

Growing wrote:

would you try intermittent fasting?

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250.....pa-20

I don’t think so. I’m so edgy and grumpy without food I would not be a good mother or wife. Good food is my love language 🙈 it just makes me so happy!

amother

Linen

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:36 pm

I started the manjaro shot I lost 10lbs the first week it really curbs ur appetite.. the easiest 10lbs I ever lost. The next 2 weeks so far haven lost more. Keto use also takes ur craving completely.. look at kosher keto ladies on fb we have a Whatapp group as well.. changed many lives

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’d work with a dietitian who understands intuitive eating. This is more than needing a food plan, it’s deeper.

amother

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:39 pm

amother Eggshell wrote:

I’d work with a dietitian who understands intuitive eating. This is more than needing a food plan, it’s deeper.

Yes it feels psychological. I’ve been to dietitians. I know what to do. I have food plan after food plan. I’m not lacking any knowledge at all. It’s that I can’t stick to it! I give up. I hide from the dietitian. I feel like I need to be hypnotized or something. It’s a mental blockage more than physical.

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

Have you looked up the principles of intuitive eating?

amother

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:42 pm

amother Linen wrote:

The problem is not the actual diets. I’ve been on diets and lost weight. It’s the fact that I lack motivation and can’t stick to it. I need to be held accountable! But by who? Only by myself- who I keep failing! The draw of the forbidden is too much for me. It’s sad because I want to teach my kids good habits and I know I’m not a good example for them.

amother

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:43 pm

amother Eggshell wrote:

Have you looked up the principles of intuitive eating?

Yes, that is ideally what I need to focus on. I’m not sure why I keep losing focus.

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes, that is ideally what I need to focus on. I’m not sure why I keep losing focus.

Maybe start a thread asking about a therapist or even coach who works with these principles. I think that’s it.

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 9:53 pm

Have you tried Overeater’s Anonymous? It sounds like you are an emotional eater. I am one too. I am doing a program (Wondr) where I don’t restrict my food but I follow guidelines about when to eat, and I don’t eat more than the daily allowed sugar allowance (9 grams for women). I have never been able to diet. Just thinking about a diet makes me want to eat. Wondr is all about the science of eating. There are videos about the psychology of eating for reasons other than hunger and loads of tools for combatting them.

By reducing my sugar, I have less cravings and sometimes I can even say no” to myself and I listen. A side benefit is my arthritis has improved.

amother

Carnation

Thu, Feb 15 2024, 10:03 pm

Also it’s so frustrating. I also love the food. And it’s so hard because the satisfaction from delicious food lasts so short and the negative effects last so long.