Attn parents of marrieds

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 3:06 pm

If your married child was struggling financially, would you want to know about it?
Would you help if you could?
I’m talking about a situation where both spouses are working or doing the best that they actually could and not an unhealthy situation where one or both spouses can’t or don’t work. Women who have been the child in this situation please also weigh in… Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for assistance?
Also referring to basic expenses. Not a new wig, designer stroller, etc.

amother

Celeste

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 3:12 pm

We're the marrieds and have been struggling for a long time.

I have asked for things like a yeshiva application fee when the deadline was approaching, but would not ask for help with groceries unless we were literally starving.

IOW I'm more okay with asking for a one-time urgent expense than for ongoing help.

Both my parents and in-laws give financial gifts to all of their children occasionally during the year. I do not feel comfortable asking for more.

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 3:12 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

Just curious why you refer to spouses not currently working or not able to work as “unhealthy”

I mean they’re not working for a legitimate reason such as some kind of illness

In a healthy situation if spouses are mentally and emotionally able to then they usually would work if the income is needed from both of them

amother

Black

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 3:20 pm

We don’t tell our parents cuz they can’t help us financially and I don’t need prying questions and helpful comments constantly.
If I knew our parents could help us I’d be more open about our financial situation with them.
My mother used to buy certain staples for us on a regular basis, unasked but it was a real help bh. About a year ago she gently told me she couldn’t afford to do that anymore. What can I do? I said thank you and no worries.
I saw a book she would like and I’d love to buy and ship it to her, for the first time I just told her the title and said finances are a little tight I think you’d like this book but I can’t gift it to you right now.
May Hashem shower us all with shefa in every way!

amother

Peach

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 3:42 pm

If my child needs help and I’m not struggling I’d absolutely want to know and I’d figure out a way to help without making them feel needy.

I’ve been in a very difficult situation (think losing job with kah double digit family) and my in laws were so gracious! They helped with basics until we were able to swim on our own again

amother

Feverfew

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:03 pm

I am not there yet. (My oldest, a boy, just turned 21).

We had points where we were struggling. Both of us working full time. We never asked for money for day to day expenses(other than a loan for a down payment for a used car we were financing--bh both parents offered to help with down payment for our house. One as a gift and the other as a loan), but if my in-laws heard we were tight, they'd write us a large check. Not often--happened a couple times in the 20+ years we are married.

amother

Orange

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:10 pm

You mentioned the parents and the daughter/wife. There are definitely situations where the daughter would want her parents to know because they could and would help, the parents would want to know for the same reason, and the husband/sil absolutely does not want them knowing.

I would only want my parents to know if there was something I couldn't afford and absolutely needed- I don't like talking about situations like this, even answering "How are things going this month?" I would hate questions, even if well intentioned, and dh would feel looked down on with every interaction, even though that wouldn't actually be happening.

If you are the parent, and you are in a position to help, please think about whether your kid is the type to want to talk about it or not and go that route.

amother

Obsidian

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:48 pm

As a young couple (married under 5 years) we’ve been in this situation at different points. My husband & his father are pretty close & there was a time when we were doing really well & would lend money to my FIL or gift him something really expensive but very useful. On the flip side he’s doing a lot better now (not wealthy by any means) & my husband has asked to borrow money when we really needed it. Besides for that my in laws also gift us toys & clothing for the kids occasionally & really make us feel taken care of. I am extremely grateful that they’ve been so kind to us & they do not help out with strings attached.

amother

Diamond

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 5:13 pm

I would not ask but I think my response when my parent offers tells them a lot. There have been times when my parent offered to pay for something and I'm like "wow that's so nice, you shouldn't've but thanks!" And other times when I'm like "oh wow thanks that's really helpful." So I think they know how things are going from the tone, even if I'm not doing it deliberately.

We both work hard at professional jobs but we also have a lot of costs of living, e.g. Kids needing tutoring or therapy that aren't covered by board of Ed or health insurance, and we're in that middle class squeeze where we don't qualify for help but also can't make it alone. Seems like every time I think we're catching up, the roof springs a leak or something. Bh we're ok so I wouldn't ask for help but at the same time we're also chronically stressed and help we didn't ask for is very very appreciated.

byisrael

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 1:49 pm

I only have young kids - but I think I would want to be close enough that they would feel comfortable sharing and if I was in a position to help I would do what I could.

To me this is the same as any struggle - health, chinuch, emotional - I would want to be a source of support to my children and for it to be a healthy relationship where I would be a support even if I was not in the position to financially assist them.

I would never want my kids to feel like they need to pretend that everything is 100% ok all the time if it isn't.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 2:22 pm

When we ask, parents give requested amount. And that's great and I appreciate it so much. But I don't understand why they don't give just a bit more! For ex: Ma, we need $4k for a doctor or $5k for a tuition bill etc. And they right away give it. the exact amount we asked for. Isn't it so obvious that if we couldn't cover tuition than we need help. Or we'd say we need $1,200 for abc and have $600 for it, they would immediately give the other $600. Which is super super nice and not something they need to do. I really really appreciate it!
I am not ungrateful. I'm trying to understand why they wont add a few extra dollars too if they can afford to. And the money they give is a large unexpected expense that came up. it would give us such a breather if they gave a teeny bit more. If my child would ask for a specific amount towards a specific expense I would understand that they could use an extra boost of $ besides for that expense.

amother

DarkGray

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 2:42 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

OMG you sound so entiteled.

They work hard for there money. They are at the stage that they need to prepare for retirement, and yes enjoy the money they work hard for. They also probably don't want to encourage a dependence on them.

amother

Lightyellow

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 2:42 pm

as a young married bH I dont need to ask for money (I was supported in the beg. but am no longer)

I would one hundred thousand million percent feel comfortable asking my parents for help. (dh is another story he would never)

my parents are incredible peopel and us kids are their world. I would never take advantage and I pray to never need it but I have no doubt they would move the heaven and earth to help me if I needed.

I wish this on everyone. and imyh would want that for my kids.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 2:47 pm

amother DarkGray wrote:

You're welcome!

amother

Dahlia

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 3:09 pm

When I left a toxic workplace and struggled to find a job my parents straight away asked if they can do a small monthly payment to cover food. I'm ever so grateful they offered as I most likely wouldn't have asked coz they aren't wealthy but both working and no kids at home. A bit after I started working and was covering monthly I let them know so they can stop it when they want. They carried on for a bit longer until situation changed things and I told them to stop and use the money.
My in-laws can't afford to help, our maaser goes to them so their bills are paid but I know I can always ask for food they have and when we are over she offers anything she can.

I know my sister was struggling more than us. Her husband was studying after kollel and she had a job but didn't cover everything but they refused to ask for help. She would have loved it but he had a hard time accepting help and would rather struggle then receive money. We would sometimes put maaser money in their account without saying anything before or after. I don't know if they got help from parents but I know he didn't even like her taking food from my parents house instead of buying so I doubt it.