Inappropriate language

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 4:24 pm

So my cousin and I are quite close, being the same age and growing up together. I love him like a brother and we get along very well.
But every once in a while he will say things like "hey s-xy" or stuff that I feel degrading turning me into a symbol more then a human. For a husband to say that to his wife is fine. But not a cousin. Not from a man you are not in a relationship with. And we are chassidish, its not like this language is commonplace in our crowds.
But every time he says it and I tell him please dont he says "oh im soooo sooorrryyyy" etc. Then it happens again. Well lately I've started getting upset. I tell not to and try to explain why, but for the life of him he doesnt begin to get it. He says "you dont like when I give you a compliment?"
So today he did it again. And I reached my limit. I guess being exhausted from prepressach and other big familial turmoil added to it. But when he said sorry I said no I dont accept it. Cuz he just goes and it again. He has a heart of gold and is usualy so chilled but now he is really upset at me and said he doesnt want this screaming from me (it was in a chat and now there were to captions so tere was no "screaming" and instead of him understanding that I am hurt that a simple so often repeated request is just ignored and dismissed as something crazy on my part.
Is he right? Did I make a molehill from nothing? Or am I right to stick up for my humanity and not be degraded to a seual object.
(He has done more then just call me names but I think THAT he understood went too far. At least I hope so......)
What to do?
ETA: ok I gotta add, many years ago he admitted that he has feelings for me. So for a while I stopped being in touch and then for the past several years we are getting a long well and he told me some years back that he understands that it wasnt ok of him. But then he does these thigns out of the blue (like one in 10 conversations).....

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 4:28 pm

Don't do chats with males. Too private. I don't care if it's your cousin. Brief practical stuff like "can you come a little later? I'm running late? Sorry!" that kind of thing, but not long conversations.

And THIS cousin isn't acting right one bit.

I am not saying he is a bad person but he's immature. It's not a hanging matter, but without being dramatic, ease quietly and nicely away, a bit. He has to stay your relative, but not so close as before. Be careful to be tactful and delicate.

You're right, he's wrong.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 4:36 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

OP here
You are right dolly. Esp if you read my edited text now.
The thing is to me he is like a brother and I chat with my brothers. I dont chat with him just about aynthing. Its usualy about important stuff. I am going through a tough time at home and he and some others have been very helpful. We chat mostly about stuff pertaining to my issues etc. He cares deeply.

ohmygosh

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 4:44 pm

He is 100% wrong. You told him multiple times to stop saying things like that, and he continues to disrespect your wishes. No, your cousin should not be calling you sxy, especially as you said this is in the chassidish circles. You know it and he knows it but does not want to admit it, because he likes you and is attracted to you, as he admitted to you previously. I would stop having any long conversations with him and restrict it to hello/goodbye at family gatherings. It is unhealthy for you both.

vicki

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 5:02 pm

amother wrote:

Definitely don't chat with him about important stuff. That is intimate as well. Do you mean stuff about you and dh? Very bad idea.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 5:06 pm

OP here
Thank you OMG (can I call you that? Wink

)
I live far from him so I dont see him often, but we keep in touch via chat. I so much want a normal brotherly relationship with him cuz that is how I see him and he is very special person (besides for the endless help and support he has been to me) I feel like breaking off is not fair. Cuz we are such close family etc. I just wish he understood that it is not me that is making a big deal from nothing. But that it is him doing something inapprotiate.
I just think he thinks I'm playing frummy. Chassidish men dont have the sensitivity once they start "discovering" the open world. They dont know what is appropriate when where.....

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 5:12 pm

You may be going through difficulties because you do stuff like this.

Not good.

Leave your brothers alone too.

Your dh has to compete with your brothers for your thoughts and of course he can't. They know you much longer than he does. And a cousin on top of that for good measure.

This is not loyal. Talk to your husband and nobody else.

If you want a trained professional in on it, that is very different, and your husband must know you are going, if he is not also going.

Use your imagination. Pretend your dh has sisters and a female cousin and he is unbosoming himself about his home life to them. Add in that one of them insists on calling him a wifely sounding pet name.

Figuring out this new man, your husband, (you are very obviously very newly married) is a big, complicated job. You can't do it without focusing on it and DOING it. Draining off your thinking to others is stopping you. It is protecting you from facing your husband, and getting to know him, with whatever is going with him. You run away. You run to others.

You have been considered pretty nice up to now by everybody, and can't imagine anything really awful happening to you. I want to warn you that it can, and will, if you don't stop this nonsense.

I wonder if you know what I mean. I am not going any further.

doctorima

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 5:17 pm

Nothing to talk about, he is 100% wrong. Using such terms when speaking to a married woman is completely inappropriate, for any man, and certainly for a Chassidishe guy. And you said that he's done even worse, and has acknowledged having feelings for you.

I strongly suspect that he's trying to do this to slowly get you to let your guard down. Instead you must raise your guard higher and be even more careful around him. No more chatting. Tell him that you'll share anything he texts/forwards you to DH, and only interact with him if your DH and/or his wife is there. Nip this before it ends up getting you in real trouble!

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 5:22 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

OP here
wow dolly, if there ever was a more hurtful post then this.
I am married almost 20 years thank you very much.
I am getting divorced because my husband betrayed me numerous times. and abused me. and used me and threw me away.
I chat to my brothers also only when necessary. no I am not chatting all day long like some flimsy twenty year old. the pain I have been through and the pain I am going through now I do not wish on any human being.
This chatting is now that my husband is gone and I need help in many different areas (financial, the children etc).
a major gadol who heared my story told me "you are a living almona for almost twenty years". it is more. because an almona doesnt get abused and used.
and now to have you say such insensitive words.
you dont know me so you can assume anything. but I would expect someone to first ask. before deciding. as you obviously did.
appropriate thing woudl be to ask "might it be you are newly married...?" or "do you chat too ofte to your brotehrs as well?" etc.
I truly am hurt now.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 5:40 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Ew. I sure blew it this time.

Sorry.

I was totally wrong.

But you didn't tell us all that and you sound young.

Sorry again.

apology accepted. we are all human and learn by doing...
but how does one sound young? better yet, how does one sound old? are there wrinkles in the words? Wink

just kidding.
sadly I am not young, nor am I naive or inexperienced, if that is what you mean. I have been through so much and done every kind of therapy possible. always thinking if I adjust a bit more to him and his needs things will be fine (weren't we all taught in school and seminary that "the wife makes the husband"? now how does a wife feel if whatever she does isn't good?) ok this is all not for here and now, as pertaining to my thread.
I just wish you all weren't right about my cousin. It will be like cutting off from a brother or sister. Which I cannot imagine doing. Especially one that has been so amazing (and I do not think he did [most] of it because of possible feelings he might have. this is how he is in general. very helpful and goodhearted, always there to help another yid.)
but he is so upset at me now for "telling him off" that I assume he wont be in touch for a while.
and then there's the spark of hope that for once he learnt his lesson... yes, NOW I agree - this sounds naive. a girl can dream, cant she Smile

thank you all for all your input!

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 5:56 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

No a girl shouldn't dream. A girl should get a dynamite new appearance and see what lies between forty and eighty. About forty years, for instance. There are things to do.

You obviously have good morals and strength or this post would never have been posted at all. It would have been fine with you.

Thanks for forgiving me.

But don't forgive so easily.

Except me.

OP here
Dolly I always liked your sense of humor. Those last two words made me laugh.
Agreed. I am learning to stand up for myself. That includes not to forgove too easily if it means letting people step all over me. That is hard to do after so many years in a marriage like mine. But I'm learning. With the right help. With G'ds will I will get there where I am meant to get.
ETA: and the "dynamite new appearance" is being worked on. First step: get a nice new wig -done! More to follow....

FranticFrummie

Thu, Apr 02 2015, 6:48 pm

I see a couple of things going on here. The cousin has admitted that he's held a crush on you for a long time. You are getting divorced. He may see this as "his chance" to get together with you.

Your brothers most certainly wouldn't think that way about you, but a cousin would. There is a huge difference here.

Just because you see this cousin as a brother, doesn't mean that he sees you as a sister. I think he sees you as a potential wife. For his own sake, you need to get a grip on this before he goes even further down the road with this fantasy of his.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 12:55 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I came looking for this thread because he once again said something inappropriate today and got furious at me when I said I amblocking his number. And I wanted to reread all the advice I got back then.and now I saw these posts from FF and raisin.
You are both right. Maybe. But he is married. To a gorgeous wife and a bunch oof kids
I'm gonna keep my distance now.
He said something that I said even a non-jewish woman would be offended and find it undignified, he said I'm a prude and narrow minded(so what if I were
But II called my non-jewish colleague who is a friend and asked her theoretically, she FLIPPED!
I think chassidish men have no idea where the line between open minded and ugly is

I am keeping away

ETA: not all chassidish men, but many of those who come from ultra homes and become "open minded" or so they think...