Moving = skydiving

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Mar 05 2018, 8:24 pm

Hi,
About a year ago, I posted about being petrified to move to another state. My husband is miserable where we currently live, which I stated in my post from one year ago. I asked my husband if we could stay where we currently are for another year so that I could get used to the idea of moving. During this year, I went and got my driver's permit, as I currently don't drive and am now taking lessons. I have been doing this so that we could move and I won't feel stuck. Well, we recently saw a house in the community we are looking to move and my husband fell in love. I am very grateful for this extra year to get myself ready to move, but now that we have seen a house that my husband is eager to make an offer on, I am in full panic mode. They say that when you are about to do something huge that you are afraid to do, they compare it to going skydiving. Well right now, it feels as if I'm about to jump out of a plane. I am beyond petrified. I have been saying all year that we are moving but now that things have gotten real, I no longer want to move. I want to stay in my little bubble here where I am used to everything and don't have to start from scratch. My husband is miserable here, I know that, but what if I'm miserable in our new community, in our new home? What if my husband doesn't realize that though he's extremely unhappy here, he'd be trading problems that he has here for new ones there? Even though I have agreed to move, all I can think now is what if making an offer on this house and moving is a huge mistake? What if moving is the right decision but this house isn't right? I have so many questions and doubts that it feels as if my head is going to explode. Is what I'm feeling normal or is the way I'm feeling a warning sign that maybe we really shouldn't be doing this???? Any and all advice is greatly appreciated, especially from any of you amothers who have recently made a big move. TIA

FranticFrummie

Mon, Mar 05 2018, 9:00 pm

You don't know real terror, until you make Aliyah! shock

Take all of your "what if's" and turn them around. What if your next door neighbors are lovely? What if you make a ton of friends? What if you take a pottery class? What if there is a library nearby? What if the new shul is gorgeous and has really inspiring women's classes?

All of this is equally likely to your list of worries. Every time you have a worried what if, ask yourself what the opposite of that would look like.

I think what you are doing for your husband is absolutely wonderful. In the merit of your sacrifice, Hashem should hear all your tefillot and send you nothing but good!

LisaS

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 5:10 am

Your fear is understandable. But it sounds more like a fear of the unknown rather than a fear of a predictable outcome.

You should feel so proud of yourself of taking this past year to learn to drive! That's big. BH many new positive experiences await you.

Keep in mind that moving is not an irreversible decision. If you are terribly unhappy in the new place you can always move back. But not moving is also a decision - if you don't move you'll be losing out on this opportunity for your family's growth and happiness.

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 5:31 am

I moved to a different country a couple of months ago. although the new place was somewhat familiar to me it was absolutely incredibly difficult. Not sure at what stage in life u r. But the earlier the better. Suffice it to say that I am extremely outgoing friendly and socially capable my life has tumbled over never to be what it was before. All that is left for me to say is that this is what was meant to be and I hope one day I will have it easier

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 6:38 am

amother wrote:

There are two separate issues here. One is why your husband wants to move and whether a new community will make him happy. The second is why you are so afraid of leaving your bubble. I think it will help to approach each of these separately.

Op here: I think that I'm afraid of leaving my bubble because of convenience and fear of change. Where I live now, I walk literally everywhere, especially since I'm not driving yet. I walk grocery shopping, when I'm sick I walk to the doctor, when my daughter (age 8) is sick I roll out of bed and roll right into the pediatricians office. In the new community, you have to drive or take an Uber. One of my biggest fears in life is driving. As I was scheduling my driving lessons, I was shaking and had beads of sweat dripping down. Of course, that fear is very slowly dwindling with every lesson I take, though I am still incredibly scared.
Another thing is that I have never dealt with change well. When I first got married, I was incredibly depressed for about the first six months. I lived with just my mom for 22 years in the same place. All of a sudden, I'm living in a different borough, different place, with a different person. Of course it didn't help that our first 6 months of marriage was in a basement apartment. That was awful.
On a smaller level, about 2 years ago, we got a new couch. I cried for 2 months because I missed the old couch. Of course now I'm in live with my couch, but my point is my fear of change is crippling.

mo5

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 6:59 am

amother wrote:

If fear of change is so crippling and that's what's holding you back- might be worth researching some type of therapy that can help you deal with change in general.

amother

Burgundy

Sat, Mar 17 2018, 10:31 pm

Your whole situation sounds so similar to mine. My husband is also miserable where we are. Although I don't have friends here I do have family. I am so scared to move away from them and the things I am familiar with here.
I also question whether he would really be happy in a new location.
I've told him we should we a few years (for certain reasons it would be financially best for us to stay here a few more years) but am I really just pushing it off? Am I really OK with moving in a few years?
Please tell me how it works out for you- I hope it does! Do you have friends where you are living now? Is there anything about moving you're excited about? Did you go and visit the new community? Like actually stay there for a weekend or longer to get a feel for it? Is it near to where you are living now?
I agree with another poster though that it does sound like you're especially sensitive to change and some therapy might be of help to you.

Tiredwithjust2

Sun, Mar 18 2018, 10:46 am

Sound similar to what I’ve been going through. My husband always complains he’s unhappy here and wants to move, but I’m not convinced he’d be happier anywhere else. It took him a long time to convince me to just move from an apartment to a bigger place in the same neighborhood a few years ago. Anytime I’d think of moving I’d have panic attacks! Bh I think I’ve worked past that part but I also don’t want to move. I know where everything is, have doctors, neighbors and friends, etc. the sheer stress of packing up and then having to unpack and get readjusted somewhere is overwhelming. I also am not convinced that it’ll solve my husbands issues. However, he says me letting my nerves get the better of me and saying no is like I’m controlling the situation and he doesn’t really get a say and that’s made things worse. So at this point I’m trying to overcome my objections for the sake of shalom Bayis but I totally here where you’re coming from and am scared that moving will just be worse in the end.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 11:17 am

amother wrote:

OP here, my husband wanted to move a year ago but I wasn't ready. I asked him to give me another year here, thinking that I'd be ready then. Yes, I am slightly more ready now than I was a year ago but still have the same fears and concerns. Those never went away. I have a chevra here, but my husband does not. My friends husbands personalities pretty much clash with my husband's. Whereas in the new community, my husband has his childhood best friend, who moved there 4 years ago.
I am definitely more nervous than excited right now. I guess the idea of painting and decorating a new house makes me a tiny bit happy.
We stayed in this community last year for one full weekend, one shabbos and a Purim. The community is extremely warm.
The community is about an hour and a half drive from where we are living now.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 1:05 pm

Get yourself support where you are moving. Whether that’s a therapist, a friend etc. I recently moved for my husband and it is HARD but I also think it was something I had to do for my husband and marriage. Give yourself permission to have a hard time adjusting. Warn him that you will need some time to complain ( but maybe have a therapist or friend who you can complain to too). Hope this helps

Also if you aren’t comfortable driving, take it slow. Use Uber in the beginning. Don’t push yourself to drive too much if it’s really stressful for you.

amother

Azure

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 3:15 pm

amother wrote:

Also if you aren’t comfortable driving, take it slow. Use Uber in the beginning. Don’t push yourself to drive too much if it’s really stressful for you.

I disagree with this. Life will be so difficult if You have to rely on uber for everything and cant just get in a car and go. I say you try to learn to drive and get comfortable ASAP so that it’ll be easier to adjust and settle in.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 3:43 pm

Op here, So apparently we have been moving forward, made an offer on a house. The other night my husband told me that they made a counter offer for just barely more than we offered. We went ahead and accepted. We now have a good real estate lawyer who will help us throughout the rest of the process. I cried my eyes out earlier today because I am so scared. Please tell me that crying in order to get through this is normal. Someone once told me that when moving away, it can be excruciating because you are literally ripping up roots that you've planted somewhere and planting them in a whole new place. This really is hard. I'm already thinking of all our doctors we'd be giving up here and panicking!!! I keep telling my husband that I don't know if I can do this. But I think we are. Right now I need tons of chizuk. And I don't mean to be rude but I don't think I can hear " you need to see someone about your fear of change" right now. I just want to keep hearing others experiences with moving and how everything will be ok. I'm not looking for sugarcoating, I just want to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way during a big move.