Boss became unfriendly

amother

Wed, May 31 2023, 4:20 am

I’m working at my job for 15+ years. I work for a family owned business so I have a number of bosses. One particular guy has always been warm to me for as far back as I can remember. As my job entails needing him on a regular basis, I always looked forward to his friendly disposition. Sometimes he’d ask me questions about my family, yom tov etc and it felt good to ‘chap a shmooze’. Before anyone suggests anything inappropriate, I’ve been working for this company for so long and they have seen me through so much of my life that I truly view this guy as more of a big brother relationship than anything else. Anyway, something changed over the last year and it’s as if he completely shut down to me. He ignores a lot of my calls, is curt when I ask him questions and is never friendly or funny or anything. I am so extremely hurt by this it is really ruining my mood when I’m working. Is there any appropriate way to ask him what’s going on?

amother

Dimgray

Wed, May 31 2023, 4:30 am

Either what Dr.Mom said, that his wife has expressed dissatisfaction with your relationship, or they are getting ready to fire you and he is distancing himself so he will feel less guilt.

amother

Yellow

Wed, May 31 2023, 6:37 am

I understand you.

This is a reminder to you that as friendly as they seem, this is still a professional relationship and as much as you feel sometimes that they are your friends, they are not.

My bosses are usually friendly and nice most of the time but once in a while, like your situation, I'm reminded that this is nothing more than a job.

It's sad, we all wish to be in a job where we can have some genuine friendship and when you work as an assistant and you help people all day long you wish you could sort of have that.

imasinger

Wed, May 31 2023, 6:43 am

You might want to steer clear of the personal. But it's not inappropriate to say, "I notice that lately, our conversations have been much shorter and more terse, I just want to check in and make sure you're still satisfied with the work I'm doing, is there something that's been bothering you?"

dankbar

Wed, May 31 2023, 7:28 am

Seems like it started getting too friendly so he is trying to keep his boundaries

This alone that you awaited his friendly shmooze, shows that it was escalating to next level, and is unhealthy and inappropiate for both of you, start of a friendship instead of just a professional relationship

amother

Junglegreen

Wed, May 31 2023, 7:53 am

I had the same thing happen with my female boss and it does hurt. But with a male boss, it does sound like it was getting too friendly. Maybe reframe and appreciate that your boss has the integrity to keep things professional and prevent anything from turning inappropriate. I do like Imasinger’s wording and may try that with my own boss.

Another yellow what you said might be true but also sad. Some woman when job searching take into consideration that a job is a big part of their social life,

amother

Topaz

Wed, May 31 2023, 8:22 am

amother OP wrote:

Before anyone suggests anything inappropriate, I’ve been working for this company for so long and they have seen me through so much of my life that I truly view this guy as more of a big brother relationship than anything else.

Viewing a professional relationship as a brotherly one IS inappropriate.

amother

Trillium

Wed, May 31 2023, 9:14 am

It could be something is going on in his personal life.

I had a colleague like that.
We never discussed anything personal, but the attitude at work in general is light and smiley about work related matters.
So he got a promotion, couldn't hack it, and at the same time someone close to him died and his marriage fell apart. He was snappy and curt, and even left the company.
He was a long time employee and this was out of character.
I heard what was going on through the grapevine, so I didn't take it personally.

I say go with imasingers approach.

amother

Beige

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:40 am

OP, maybe he felt like you're being inappropriate with him (which it seems like you are) and he caught himself that it's wrong and is doing teshuva. It's never too late.
Your relationship with your boss is supposed to be professional, not personal or brotherly. It seems like you crossed lines and boundaries.

amother

Beige

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:41 am

justforfun87 wrote:

He probably fell in love with you. His wife got jealous. He posted on Imafather and this is his way of dealing with it. Be respectful.

Why does he or his wife have to be the bad guy?
Maybe he just caught himself and feels bad and wants to be better.
OP is being inappropriate just as well and isn't interested in changing for the better, unlike the boss.

amother

Beige

Wed, May 31 2023, 10:45 am

DrMom wrote:

Maybe his wife is one of those "I am upset that my DH speaks with female coworkers" posters and he is acting unfriendly for shalom bayit purposes.

I wouldn't think this has anything to do with his wife. It seems like OP is interested and enjoying this inappropriate relationship while he caught himself and realized that it's wrong. Doesn't mean that the wife has anything to do with this. And even if she does, she's fully entitled to. That's not a good feeling.