Married DC Shalom Bayis

amother

Lightblue

Wed, Sep 13 2023, 9:08 am

amother Sapphire wrote:

I am sorry you were emotionally abused lightblue, but I think it is making you read too much into the situation. My teens don’t dress our youngest but I would be delighted if they did. That is not taking on too many parenting tasks. And maybe it is not ideal that one of them tried and then the mother criticized them, but that may not be the full story. One person is getting vilified by OP and now many strangers on the Internet. We really don’t know the whole story. You even acknowledge this by asking OP for details which highlights how you have just run away with this story without knowing all the facts! I know a situation where a teen girl told people that her parents “always” asked her to look after her younger sibling. People worried that she was parenting this child, lots of accusations of abuse were stirred up. Nobody thought to verify this with the parents. Instead people needlessly brought in social services. The reality was that the teen was doing significantly less to help than an average child her age, less than her peers. We are taught to always believe the child, but be careful accusing other families of abuse. Especially when it is based on what really amounts to LH.

You literally bolded the sentence where I asked OP to correct me, and then corrected me yourself. You are not OP.

It's okay for teens to dress kids. It's not okay for mom to criticize the teens for not reading her mind. You yourself said you'd be delighted. So should OP's daughter. Instead she criticized them for choosing something she hadn't told them she'd chosen.

No one is talking about bringing in social services. I'm just pointing out that this instance that OP told us of IS problematic and not something to be shrugged off as irrelevant.

I'm also not asking OP for details, I'm saying that I know I'm not her DD so if I'm off she can correct me, I'm not stuck in a box.

amother

Lightblue

Wed, Sep 13 2023, 9:15 am

B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote:

You may be right but even if so, whats the alternative for these kids, to be put in child protective services? For the father to divorce the mother and take custody? For the grandmother to take them in?

Actually I'm not weighing in on strategies or alternatives here, I'm just saying that the story OP brought is actually quite problematic and not at all an innocent "no big deal" situation like some posters were trying to say it is. I don't think we'll help OP solve any problems if we can't call a spade a spade.

Quote:

If the OP hasnt succeeded in helping her daughter on her terms, maybe she should change strategies.
A strategy I have used before will be called sneaky here so I was reluctant to post it but if you are diagnosing emotional abuse based on the little info we have from the OP, then I will share it.
The grandmother can contact the grandchildrens school and tell them she wants to pay for help for her daughter but since the daughter is reluctant to accept, the school can call the mother and tell her she is eligible for help via some (new) program they have for parents of 7 children exactly between her childrens ages. Not based on finances but family size and ages. (Truthfully, the new program is sponsored by OP and called Invest in our Children) She can use the help in any way she wants - light cleaning (sweeping, dishes), folding laundry, taking the little ones to the park, giving the little ones baths for Shabbos, organizing drawers, coloring with the kids, reading them books, taking them to the library - whatever the daughter deems will be the most helpful at the moment.
The important thing is that the daughter is in control of help she wants. Its best if the hired person is an adult and not a teenager. The hired person must be careful to represent herself from the program and not reveal how it is financed. The hired person must understand that she is never to argue, criticize or try to reason with the OPs daughter, allow her to run her home as she wants, never be judgmental or point out flaws in the home even if they are obvious (unless its life threatening - like an exposed electric wire of course) ,she must allow the daughter to choose what help she most needs now and thats it, be totally amenable.

Good strategy though she may see through it, but if it is done respectfully she may take the help anyways since she can't prove it's not actually a thing for everyone.

Oh OP, the other thing that has really really helped (I was the amother who said she identifies with your dd) is that I was able to identify that messiness was overwhelming me and a neighborhood organization matched me up with a very professional personal organizer who has helped me not just with the organization but with general life skills in the area. (Time management, meal planning, laundry/clothes, Shabbat, etc.) At first they gave me 12 sessions and then the personal organizer told them that she thinks I need at least six months for there to be real change and she sees the change and thinks it's a shame to stop the process in the middle. So they approved it for another six months. It has done more for me than therapy lol. It's once a week. Note this isn't cleaning help, it was initial organization and strategies and then because she comes every week if something isn't working she sits down and helps you pinpoint what's difficult and not working and solve those issues. That may work for your DD because it teaches skills and doesn't involve anyone coming in to do things for her in a way that isn't what she wants. But I'm assuming it's hugely expensive.