Constant stealing | Imamother

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 9:59 am

amother OP wrote:

Stealing is not something a child will go to jail for, that is sure.

Are you for real OP?
You don't nip it in the bud and your child *will* go to jail at some point.
Seriously, who do you think you are fooling?

amother

Mustard

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 10:08 am

As a young teen, I stole money (few dollars) from my parents a few different times. I did it because they never gave me money, even when I asked. I had most of my basic needs met but I still felt very much lacking.

I don't steal anymore. I knew then it was wrong. I did it out of desperation and feeling neglected. If I would have been called out and treated harshly, I'm sure that would have caused me to react terribly. As far as I knew, no one knew and it was never mentioned.

Before you ask, yes, I paid it all back as an adult.

amother

Wine

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 10:12 am

OP, you say this is being done as a cry for help so the solution is to give the child help, love and attention. I don’t see why making the child return the money would interfere with any of that. If the child returning it and apologizing would be too shameful and traumatic for him, the parent can give it back instead privately. But you cannot let the kid keep the money and benefit from having stolen.

Letting a child get away with stealing is the some of the worst chinuch I could imagine.

If the child is caught stealing from a nonfrum person or store, the cops can be called on them. They probably won’t go to prison but it would be an awful, traumatic experience that the parents can keep from them from having by just doing your job and parenting.

Beyond prison though, the social consequences of stealing will be very painful. He will likely end up ostracized. Kids don’t like being friends with people who steal, and for good reason. Would you want to be friends with someone like that?

momtra

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 10:16 am

What are they using the money for?
Would people have the same reaction if the DC was stealing food ?
I personally wouldn’t worry about prison or habits leading up to that now ( assuming the dc is stealing from you, OP, or others in your house?)
It's a symptom of something else as is ( egregiously) breaking other rules.
How did you approach the idea of therapy? And why do you think DC had such a strong reaction to it?

amother

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 10:22 am

With respect OP Bnei Berak, The Op who wrote the latest response based on her own childhood has not jumped to conclusions.

Not all stealing is done because the child actually wants the money that has been taken.

amother

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 10:39 am

If I remember correctly the coat obsessed person was an adult who had different kinds of circumstances to a 12 year old child.

I am saying that the way to deal with this is difficult and I can't just jump to conclusions that this child is doing wrong and needs a big punishment because the child might not totally know or understand why they are doing this.

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 10:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Then get them professional help to figure out if they have a serious issue. Most 12 year olds are fully capable of understanding. Why do you think this one is not?

balance

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 10:53 am

amother OP wrote:

There's a long way from a big punishment to quietly insisting that they return what they have stolen.

It doesn't matter why they are doing it. They still have to give it back.

The same way I don't know why my son may be biting in kindergarten. I'll check if he's teething etc but even if he is, he still has to stop. Today. Even if he'll still be teething for another month.

Then you can think about the why to prevent recurrence.

You're right that you shouldn't be looking at this at face value. But you also should not be enabling this behavior. It has to stop.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 11:12 am

amother OP wrote:

Why do you try so hard to enable this?
Who is the parent here? You or your 12 year old?
You have abdicated your parenting role IMHO. What are you so afraid of? That your child won't love you anymore?

Cheiny

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 3:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

What would you do about a child who is very caring, kind and has fine middos but nevertheless is stealing money daily? I have a different opinion for others in the family because I feel the child should NOT be made to return the money because the child is doing this as an urgent cry for life to not be so very hard which is the case in many different areas.

Others feel what the child is doing is definitely wrong and the child should be made to see this and has to return the money.

The child has said that if therapy is given to him/her, the child will refuse to go to school.

WWYD?

It sounds like the child (what age?) has a real handle on how to manipulate you and you’re allowing them to run the show, instead of the parents being the ones in charge.

Of course the child must be compelled to return the money. Otherwise what incentive is there for them to stop stealing? And they definitely need to be in therapy to quickly work on what’s driving the negative behavior before it festers even more.

If they threaten not to go to school you will have to find appropriate consequences to impose. The parent has to be the one in charge, not the child.

ShishKabob

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 8:30 pm

I’m going to bite. Hard. Sometimes you must be very strict with a child and with serious consequences. Otherwise they don’t get how serious and severe their offense is. This is one of these times unless of course you know your child better.
Some kids cry out because they are desperate for someone to acknowledge them. They would even prefer being yelled and screamed at, rather than being ignored. I’m not sure that we have all the details needed here.

amother

Hosta

Sun, Nov 05 2023, 5:41 pm

OP, I had a great childhood yet I stole as a child/teenager. Nothing major. Small things, like a small toy or snacks from my classmates, or a dollar from a classmate so I could get something from the snack machine. In my case, it came from impulsivity because I had undiagnosed ADHD, and when I saw something I wanted I felt the immediate need to just take it (as opposed to doing something that required waiting, like asking my mother to buy me that snack I wanted). I also sometimes stole to make up for my lack of organizational skills due to ADHD. For example, I once stole a classmates textbook because I had lost mine and didn’t want to get in trouble with the school.

Eventually my ADHD was diagnosed and treated and I got a better handle on my impulsivity. I would consider myself a well adjusted and successful adult (who doesn’t steal).

Edit- just realized this is an old thread but maybe my response will be helpful to the ima who just posted requesting insight on this topic.