Always wants to be held

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:11 am

My 1.5 y.o. is always happy to go to her babysitter bH and she’s there with multiple other kids and happy. But whenever she’s home, she’s clingy and wants to be held. After a long day out I get she wants her mommy and I try to give it to her, but on days off like Shabbos/Sunday etc. she really refuses to do anything but be held. I was just trying to drink my coffee and she stood there screaming until I finished (and I talked to her and rubbed her etc) and is now happily playing on my lap.
I can’t function this way. I need to be able to drink a hot drink, to eat, to make dinner, to do laundry, etc.
I’ve tried putting toys in the kitchen. She threw them and screamed. She has older siblings around who are playing and talking etc and she has no interest in it.
This isn’t my first child. I’m going out of my mind!

amother

Amaranthus

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 7:02 pm

Omg I could've written this. 22 months old and so clingy when she's home. Morah says she plays beautifully there. At home she wants to be held 24/7. No playgroup on Fridays and I cannot accomplish anything besides for when she naps. It's really getting to me cuz Friday is my day off also and I always have a list I need to do but it's so frustrating!
Only thing that works is cookies in the high chair. So I'll give her some just so I can put up basic shbs food.
She will play near me if I'm engaging in playing with her and she has my full attention. So I'll make a coffee, sit down in the playroom on the floor with a box of pegs and sip it as we sort the colors and make a tower.

amother

Lemonlime

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 7:12 pm

If you don’t hold her that often from when she’s born, she shouldn’t be too clingy. Obviously, when she’s up, she should be hold and to build a connection. But, don’t overdo it.

amother

Glitter

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 7:26 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

If you don’t hold her that often from when she’s born, she shouldn’t be too clingy. Obviously, when she’s up, she should be hold and to build a connection. But, don’t overdo it.

Nononono. This is terrible, terrible advice that can cause lifelong ramifications for the child. Please, no one follow this advice. This is literally the opposite way to nurture emotionally healthy, independent, secure children.

amother

Denim

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 7:29 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

If you don’t hold her that often from when she’s born, she shouldn’t be too clingy. Obviously, when she’s up, she should be hold and to build a connection. But, don’t overdo it.

Literally the opposite. The MORE you hold newborns and the whole first year the more independent they are as they become toddlers..

the world's best mom

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 7:37 pm

Hold your babies a lot. They may be clingy as a toddler or not, but either way is okay. Holding them is so healthy for them.

For your toddler: if you start your time together after she comes home from the babysitter by sitting on the floor with her and playing with her, she may be more okay with letting you do other things afterwards.

amother

SandyBrown

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 7:42 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

If you don’t hold her that often from when she’s born, she shouldn’t be too clingy. Obviously, when she’s up, she should be hold and to build a connection. But, don’t overdo it.

Oh wow I held my kids TONS when they were babies. They contact napped for the first months of their lives. Held them tons in their early toddler lives also. At some point they just naturally started playing more on their own and wanting to sit in their own chair or next to me instead of in my lap (for the most part. The younger ones still like sitting on my lap some and cuddling especially when we read and such).
So no. I think this is horrible terrible advice to ever give anyone.
This child just hasn’t gotten to that point yet of separating much. I don’t know why (and OP I feel super bad for you that must be so hard!!!) but please don’t tell people not to hold their babies “too much”. That’s just sad.

gootlfriends

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 7:49 pm

I would try to set aside time to hold the child and do an activity like reading or playing with a toy. I do this with my 3 year old after nursery. It creates a feeling of security. And for the record I wore my daughter from birth to 18 months and we often cuddle in my bed on lazy mornings. Not my first. I wore all of my kids if they liked it.

amother

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 5:28 am

I do spend time with her. I have t found it to help. The second I’m not 100% focused on her she knows it and hates it. it’s worse when no siblings are around.

amother

Snow

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 6:24 am

amother OP wrote:

I do spend time with her. I have t found it to help. The second I’m not 100% focused on her she knows it and hates it. it’s worse when no siblings are around.

It usually takes 20 minutes of holding for them to feel safe.

I am not sure how dysregulated she is at this point so it might take more time to heal this.

Hold calmly for full 20 minutes and see what happens.

If the child won't let go after 20 minutes it might be it needs more time to regulate.

Hold for as long as necessary and see what happens. When does she allow you to let her off?

How long does she let you go for afterwards?

Time it. You'll see that the holding and the time in between holdings become less and less over time.

You need a few months to figure this out.

Yes I know it is very overwhelming and hectic but it will pass. The child will eventually feel safe enough to let go.

Ps this method works with older kids too.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 6:28 am

amother OP wrote:

I do spend time with her. I have t found it to help. The second I’m not 100% focused on her she knows it and hates it. it’s worse when no siblings are around.

You have to remember that its a phase and it will pass. Keep reassuring her that you are right there, try to get her involved in what you are doing, and maybe have special activites avaliable for her to do.

amother

Pearl

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 8:32 am

My 2 year old is the same way and I'm losing my mind!! She just wants to be held all day. It doesnt help I play with her for 20 minutes. The second I go away from her she is hysterical.
And she doesnt let me sit on the couch when I hold her!! She insists I stand up and she is so heavy!!