Absentee Father. All my fault?

amother

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 8:26 pm

amother Poppy wrote:

It sounds like your children are smart and they recognize what is going on. In these types of marriages, I think you need to overcompensate a little bit for your husband’s lack. You may need to take on the disciplinary role without expecting support from him. Accept that he has this problem where he backs you up and then takes back his word if there is any arguing, and plan for this to happen everytime. Knowing that this will happen, take the best course of action. He says not to involve him. In your situation, it’s probably better if you don’t look to him for backup or approval. You’re doing a good job without him.

My kids definitely recognize what’s going on. When they were younger they would call him to tell on me if I ever yelled at them or they didn’t want to do something. He would call me and literally tell me to stop fighting with them. Can you tell I dislike that phrase?

They’ve gotten older and smarter. These days they know I discuss it with him and rarely (mostly only the youngest still does this) try their luck with him if I’ve already said no. That DC will grow up and stop like the others. Hopefully.

I’m stopping to send him screenshots. I literally thought it would help. He always thanks me for them and asks follow up questions later but being involved behind the scenes l—and only when things are smooth—-is not enough.

amother

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 8:31 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

You sound like an amazing mother. I wonder if you really need all those sessions to work on your mothering skills. I think you should ask your therapist what she thinks about using one session a week, or one every other week, to work on your marriage issues. You might be surprised!

This is a good idea, marriage once in two weeks. I’ve never thought of it because I’m so consumed by getting the parenting part right. Someone recently told me that marriage comes before children because once they move out we have to live together. At that time I disagreed. But maybe I was wrong. I’ll see if your idea works, and possibly run the inner child thing by my therapist too. Who knows, after this many years it may help and I certainly have nothing to lose by trying.

amother

Pearl

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 8:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

I may be misusing the word deadbeat. I thought it means the same as an absentee father, which he is.

It sounds like he helps pay bills and stuff. I would not call him a deadbeat. He’s far from ideal but it sounds like he’s at least in your kids lives.

amother

Blushpink

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 8:47 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

OP, he is not going to change.

You are the primary caregiver so kids are closer to you.

So Ex DH is the permissive parent so kids should like him too.

Don't expect validation on your parenting from ex.

Find other support.

Did you read through the post? They are married.
I agree though about not expecting validation from him, hurtful as it is.

amother

Catmint

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 9:11 pm

OP, lots of hugs. I didn't read most of the thread, but DHs response sounds like a trauma "fight or flight" response because he can't handle the negative interaction. Instead of telling you that he can't handle it and that it's too much for him, it sounds like he's choosing blame/anger instead as his way of escaping the situation. You said yourself that during calmer times he does acknowledge that you're a good mother. Would it be helpful for you to remind yourself when he speaks to you like that, that he's not necessarily criticizing you, but rather just feeling overwhelmed by the situation and taking it out on you? Obviously his reaction isn't ok and he really needs therapy, but it doesn't look like he's ready for that, so in the meantime it may be easier to remind yourself that it's not really your parenting that he's criticizing. He's just trying to get out of a triggering situation.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 9:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think marriage comes before the children because kids need healthy parents in a healthy marriage in order for them to feel safe and secure and grow into healthy adults.

Good luck! I really hope this helps you!

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 9:41 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

You are correct for another important reason, the kids grow up, get married and leave the nest, then its you and dh. Your marriage has to last for a longer time than your parenting. Its worth working on.