neighbor is invading!

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 12:26 pm

Im really frustrated and dont know how to deal with this situation. I have a really intrusive neighbor. She comes to visit basically every shabbos afternoon and many times will drop in during the week with her rowdy little kids. She first knocks on the door and if theres no answer and the door is unlocked, she will let herself in with all the kids trailing behind. everytime she comes her kids run wild and they started raiding my fridge and eat any food I have set out on the table and they mess up my house. the kids run around the house with the food and she doesnt seem to care altho I have a rule that eating is only done in the kitchen or outdoors. she then goes to my pantry and starts eating all the nosh especially chocolate. I tried to be tolerant even if her baby hit my baby I just took him away every time. She will also sit around and read even if my husband is home and we are trying to enjoy our time alone. My shabbos guests have all commented about her and they dont understand it. I try to disipline her kids and I will take things away from them if they didnt ask (being that the mon doesnt care too much). This week I actually smacked her baby for the first time when he hurt my baby. I also told her at one point on shabbos that now its time for all kids to leave so I can start my night.
So my question is, how do I deal with her? maybe this is my test and im just supposed to be nice and deal with it bec she seems like the type that will never figure out that shes even doing s/t wrong. on the otherhand it is really ruining the peace of my shabbos afternoon and I feel alot of hate towards the situation. any advice would b appreciated! ty!

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 12:38 pm

its also hard for me to be confrontational, but maybe your test is to confront her.

you can keep your doors locked.

you can also tell her next time she comes that she is very welcome to come but she and her kids must respect your rules, before you let her through the door. like, if she would like food, you would like to be asked, no eating anywhere but the kitchen, etc. any mess that her kids make must get cleaned up, etc.
and when she comes on shabbat, tell her that she can only stay for a certain period of time, you want some alone time with your dh.

I think you should be nice to her, kind of treat her like a child, discipline her. but slowly and nicely.

good luck.

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 12:47 pm

interestingly enough I have the exact same issue. yesterday afternoon I had her three kids knocking on my door and saying we were told if we clean up our house we could come to you ie make all the mess by me so she can have a clean house. I was furious. I just thought it wouldve been decent of the mother to come with her kids and ask. the kids hit my child so I end up having rowdy three kids plus my kid tugging my skirt for dear life.
I have come uo with things that help me cope with it, when they come into me I take them into the playroom and close the door and tell them they must only play there. when it gets to much I just tell them in a nice way now its time to go home.
one has to be assertive otherwise youll suffer without her knowing.
good luck!

Fox

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 12:48 pm

amother wrote:

you can keep your doors locked.

This is the first, best step. I also find it hard to confront people or deal bluntly with people who don't take hints, so I have to compensate by controlling their access to me. Lock the door and ignore her knocks. If she continues for a lengthy period of time, open the door a few inches (maybe even with the chain!) and explain regretfully that this is "kind of a bad time, but maybe we can catch up tomorrow."

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 1:03 pm

op here, thanks for the suggestions. I lock the door most of the time, however my little boy likes to run in and out of the house and gets frustrated when the door is locked, so basically I can only lock it when hes in school. I really have yelled at the kids and pulled things away from them and she says I can cuz her kids are hard and she cant deal with them. they also tend to ignore what I tell them. I dont feel its right to just tell her straight out that shes not invited, unless I had a really good reason.

Mimisinger

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 1:09 pm

Well then, you get what you get.

If someone is "invading" your home, making a mess, eating all of your food and you won't say anything, what else is the recourse? Continue to yell and hit HER children??? Continue to let her think that this behavior is acceptable?

Sorry, but if you're not willing to say/do anything, what advice do you want?

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 1:11 pm

amother wrote:

op here, im surprised that ppl are suggesting to tell her that shes not invited. would u tell s/o that they are not invited if u were in the situation. it can really hurt her feelings and besides I really dont feel comfortable doing it.

We have someone in the community who has a very rowdy son. Whenever he's been over he's broken something or taken a toy home or just riled up the other kids. So we simply don't invite this family to our house.

Why are her feelings more important than yours? Why should you be the one to sit and stew and clean up the mess rather than just tell her she and her family can't come? Maybe it's the wake-up call she needs to try and get a batter handle on the situation.

MaBelleVie

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 1:17 pm

Fox wrote:

amother wrote:

you can keep your doors locked.

I agree. Lock the door, and tell your own kids you're doing so because its not safe to leave doors unlocked. Gradually decrease the number of times a week you let her in. If you need excuses, say: its a bad time. My husband is learning and needs quiet. I'm in middle of organizing something. I need to make an important call. I was about to lie down. Etc.

flowerpower

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 1:22 pm

Lock the door. So what your son will get frustrated? Let him learn safety anyways.

It's your house and you have to set limits! When she comes ask her if its ok that she comes soon because you want to ... now. Keep doing it gradualy until she getst he pictures. It doesn't make sense for someone to come and raid a different persons house so often.

moonstone

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 1:29 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

Fox wrote:

amother wrote:

you can keep your doors locked.

I wouldn't give her any excuses- just use this line over and over:

"Sorry, this isn't a good time."

That's all you have to say. (Credit goes to Dear Abby for that one. I think it's great advice.)

zigi

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 1:32 pm

amother wrote:

um yes I would say that we are in the middle of a meal now. or have dh say I'm sleeping.

techiemom

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 1:37 pm

I do understand that it's difficult to say no and worry about hurt feelings, but her behavior sounds really chuzpadik. I would tell her - when you do let her in - that you have food set aside for specific days or events and you don't have time to replace it and you will put out a treat but it is hard on you when you can't keep track of what you have, that you know she'll understand. Have one treat prepared for times that you don't mind her coming and say that you bought or made it for her.

And there is nothing wrong with telling her that you need some private time on Shabbos because it's been a long week. And yes, keep your door locked. We had the same thing with friends and relatives just walking in. You are clearly a very kind person but don't feel badly about standing up for your rights.

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 1:46 pm

I hope I don't get bashed Banging head

for this but...
I have a DD with rowdy kids (with whom, in my opinion, she is very lax about discipline - however well brought up she should be!) Anyhow, she tended to stop in at any time, raid my pantry, leave a mess etc.

Sometimes I am trying to nap, sometimes I am not feeling well, sometimes I am trying to work.

I hinted but finally told her outright to please check with me if it's a good time before coming in.

If OP's neighbor is badly missing social and parenting skills (which it sounds like) she might tactfully suggest a local parenting class.

However, respecting someone's privacy is a social skill that can be taught. Even if the neighbor is a nebach case & you want to to do chesed & help her, it can be with boundaries. In fact, teaching her to respect other people's boundaries is a chesed because it will help her get along with people in the future (give a man a fish...you know).

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 2:21 pm

op, thanks again for replies. I feel there is a reason why I was given this "test" and I dont think the reason is so that I can just throw her out. on the other hand I generally ignore her knocks unless she sees me which is very likely cuz I have a large front window and you can see straight into the main areas of my house.

Simple1

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 2:26 pm

amother wrote:

I hope I don't get bashed Banging head

It's different with a daughter than a neighbor, although because it's your daughter you should also be able to be honest with her and tell her what is and isn't OK with you.

OP at this point, you should definitely set limits, but that doesn't mean you have to shut her out completely.