SAHM | Imamother

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 2:51 pm

I find this topic really interesting. I work from home as a playgroup morah from 830- 2.00 which is 5.5 hrs. At the same time I am juggling having my one year old with me, which makes playgroup really exhuasting. By the time I am finished work I have no strength left for anything, and I also dont have much time left until my other children come home at 3.30.
Our budget really doesnt have room for much cleaning help, I have somebody come for only 3 hrs a week. I really wish it was more! Ideally I would love 1-2 hrs per day, it would make a huge huge differnce.

In my non-work hours I am juggling many things, all of them things that NEED to be done. I do not have time to: shop for clothing, do non-vital appointments (think 'eye-exam for self' despite my glasses being half broken, that will have to wait until my desperately needed summer vacation!) or even exercise ( Sad

which is why I just can't seem to lose that post pregnancy weight....)

Those what are those things that need to be done? here 's a partial list - vital medical appointments for myself adn all of my 6 children bli ayin hara, laundry, cooking (everything I do is fast and easy otherwise it just wouldnt happen), changing bed linens, nursing baby, try to spend 10 minutes at least reading to and playing with baby (wish I could give him more quality time), washing dishes, basic clean-up....

What would I do differently if I was a SAHM? (some would say I am in the summer, but it is very different because my kids dont go to camp and are all home to be entertained between ages 16 and 1 for 11 weeks... camp is way too expensive.)
I would:
do non-vital appointments
buy new glasses
take care of my root canal Sad

exercise!!! (and lose some weight)
take time to prepare myself healthier food options (and lose more weight!)
cook slightly less rushed versions of dinner
try out a couple of new recipes
spend more time playing with baby, maybe then his speech would develop a bit faster
buy myself something to wear for yomtov
occasionally take a walk with a friend
have time to phone Grandma, Savta and my sis-in-laws
get all my household jobs done during hte day so that I can occasionally go out to a shiur at night
bake (my kids would love home-made cookies!)
make something for my nieghbors kiddush ( I always feel bad when my neighbors make stuff for mine but I dont have time to reciprocate)
print out some of our pictures from the past 10 years that are sitting on the computer (always wish I could enjoy looking at them on shabbos)
I would do all the cleaning myself because I really dont mind cleaning, I just dont have time for it right now.

So there really is a lot of stuff that really doesnt fit into my life.
(Imamother is my down time when I have finished work, and I am in 'collapse mode')

I have a SAHM friend whose youngest is 10 and she has cleaning help for 5hrs a day! I am not at all jealous of her, but I used to not be able to imagine what she does for all those hours.
My conclusion is that she does all those things that I wish I had time to do!All those things are enough to keep anyone busy! She also gets to do things in a less rushed way and gets to enjoy life without feeling on the verge of physical collapse.

IMPORTANT:
There is no point in judging others, and their lifestyles. We jsut have to get on with our own life and with what we have to do to the best of our ability.

amother

Amber

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 2:59 pm

It's so individual.... The question is meaningless without a ton of details.

It's like saying "having three kids is harder than having two kids!" Well, one mother's three kids are three girls ages 10, 8, and 7 who play well together and are very independent. The other mother's two kids are ages 3 and 2 and extremely clingy and one has special needs.

Same thing with sahms. I've been on both sides of the road. I've mostly worked out of the home. But for various reasons I was home till my youngest was a little past 3. I was crazy busy all the time. And he even went to a playgroup part time when he was 2.

And I know people around me were thinking well la-di-dah... Wouldn't we ALL like to loll around at home....

But the devil is in the details as they say. I won't bother going into them, but factor in an older child with extreme behavioral issues which involved doctors and school changes and medications and therapy. Then factor in a dh who is not involved on the home front in any consistent or meaningful way. Factor in older parents who required a lot of assistance and care, and there's quite a bit more..... I am an extremely private person, and most of these struggles were not evident to the outside world.

I don't blame you for feeling envious of a situation that looks easier.... But keep in mind that it frequently isn't.

saw50st8

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 3:07 pm

amother wrote:

I have a very cute 1 year old who gets into everything, and makes huge messes within seconds, but doesn't let me get anything done. If she so much as sees me head toward the kitchen, she comes running and screaming to be held. And guess who doesn't like to take naps either.
Now, I love being home with her and do it by choice, but let me tell you, it is not easy. I had a way easier time when I was working.
My husband is out all day, comes home for dinner and goes right back out after to learn so he's not helping either.

Do you not find yourself exhausted and your house a mess by Sunday night after you've had the kids all day?

No. We actually have time to clean on Sundays so our house is much neater and cleaner. So in between activities, we spend time doing chores. Am I tired by Sunday evening? Yes. More tired than a workday? No.

gold21

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 3:35 pm

amother wrote:

How is working (dealing with drop-off babysitters and tight schedules) easier?
Both are challenging.

Maya

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 7:25 pm

I'm a SAHM with all kids in school all day, and the majority of my housekeeping is outsourced even if it's only six hours a week.

Besides for running errands, I spend most of my days doing things which are pleasurable to me, including volunteering. I have a lot of leisure time, and I am infinitely grateful that I can enjoy my life to the fullest.

So I ask again, like I asked on the other thread on this topic: What's it to you? Why do people care so much if other mothers don't run themselves ragged and exhausted if they don't have to? Why do they constantly have to "understand" why we need all that help or what we do all day? Don't exhibit all that jealousy, you go about your busy life and leave me to mine, and pray that someday you're lucky enough to be in my position (although it's likely by that time I'll have started working on my career goals).

gootl

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 7:31 pm

the question is if you enjoy what you are doing because if not, try to make a change. I have 2, going on 3 (summer) and I went to college. planned to work part time. until my youngest is in school. husband works full time. but I never was able to get a job. I feel like if I dont work college was waste of time. 16K wasted. we could use the money but its really about me. so I look into career options. is it hard to juggle work and kids-my sisters do it so I know its hard. is it hard to be home and make everything happen on a tight budget-yes. laundry, cleaning, shopping and taking care of myself. but back in 1950-60's everyone did it. I always say if it matters it generally gets done. not always when you want or need it but it gets done. you have a long list.

solo

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 7:34 pm

I'm a sahm mom of a 1,3, & 5 yr old, with 15 hrs of help per week. My house is never clean. Even 5 min after the lady leaves. Even 5 min before she leaves.
She comes 2x a week And spends the first 4.5hrs cleaning my bathroom n kitchen only! And the rest of the day she takes my kids to the gym or park so I get some quiet and an opportunity to relax or organize and clean the rest of my house.
The rest of the week I'm the cleaning lady. I also cook, shop, take my kids to therapy, the park and... I have no social life because my days r busy and at the end of them I just want a shower and a few min to relax before bed.
My husband leaves early and returns late. We catch up between tantrums n messes on shabbos.
I stopped working when childcare began to cost more than my salary. I really miss working though. Finishing a sentence or even a task without interruption. Not having my last hrs work destroyed within minutes of completion. Looking neat and put together, and not checking for drool on my shirt when I pass a mirror. Having a real adult conversation- even just about the weather. Now after the hassle of finding a babysitter I actually look forward to Drs apt when I have the car ride to myself and quiet time in the waiting room.
I enjoy being with my highlariously cute kids and the control freak in me likes knowing every step they take, but when my mil, or even some random person on fb or imamother implies that sahm have it much easier or do so little with their time, I really wish I could chain them to my job for a day

PassionFruit

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 7:39 pm

[quote="solo"]I'm a sahm mom of a 1,3, & 5 yr old, with 15 hrs of help per week. My house is never clean. Even 5 min after the lady leaves. Even 5 min before she leaves.
She comes 2x a week And spends the first 4.5hrs cleaning my bathroom n kitchen only! And the rest of the day she takes my kids to the gym or park so I get some quiet and an opportunity to relax or organize and clean the rest of my house.
The rest of the week I'm the cleaning lady. I also cook, shop, take my kids to therapy, the park and... I have no social life because my days r busy and at the end of them I just want a shower and a few min to relax before bed.
My husband leaves early and returns late. We catch up between tantrums n messes on shabbos.
I stopped working when childcare began to cost more than my salary. I really miss working though. Finishing a sentence or even a task without interruption. Not having my last hrs work destroyed within minutes of completion. Looking neat and put together, and not checking for drool on my shirt when I pass a mirror. Having a real adult conversation- even just about the weather. Now after the hassle of finding a babysitter I actually look forward to Drs apt when I have the car ride to myself and quiet time in the waiting room.
I enjoy being with my highlariously cute kids and the control freak in me likes knowing every step they take, but when my mil, or even some random person on fb or imamother implies that sahm have it much easier or do so little with their time, I really wish I could chain them to my job for a day[/quote

well said

gp2.0

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 8:07 pm

Can be for a few reasons - either they don't want to be judged, or they are caught up in the competitive rat race and feel guilty about not working, or they feel incredibly lucky and don't want to brag and make others feel bad...so many reasons. I don't think anyone would actually deny that their days are easier when they have no kids at home most of the day and they have cleaning help, but I can see why most people wouldn't announce it.

Also, nature abhors a vacuum, and unless someone is depressed or some other issue they're not just sitting on the couch watching TV all day - they fill their days with all the things that working moms or moms with lots of little kids have to let slide - make healthy fresh dinners, buy groceries in 3 different stores for better price and quality, stay up to date with their dental and doctor appointments, exercise, breathe and relax and indulge in leisure activities without the hurry hurry work work feeling, call up lonely old relatives to chat, the list is endless.

So the question "gosh what do you DO all day" is offensive because the asker is assuming that they do nothing all day, when the reality is they do all the things they wanted to do but didn't have time for when they were working or had little kids at home.

cnc

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 8:17 pm

Maya wrote:

Awesome post.
I like your attitude.

mamamia1

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 8:21 pm

amother wrote:

I'm following this very heated post on Facebook. The question that was posed was "what do SAHM do all day if all their kids are in school and they have help"? Some people felt that the question was rude. Others felt that the op was just asking an innocent question. The thing that I found interesting about the discussion was that all of the sahm were defending themselves (not that they need to) by saying all the things they do while at home all day. They go to costco, appointments, bank, post office, supermarket, ect. Not one of them conceded that the truth is that a sahm with help has an EASY DAY. Why can't they just say it? I always tell my dh that if we ever have enough money I would quit my job and make a day out of going to the gym, getting coffee, returning the plunger to costco, and rushing home to meet the repairman. But ultimately, my question is why can't those sahm just say they have it easy? Why do they pretend that they never have a spare moment for themselves?

I really had to read this twice because I thought you really must be kidding.
People are different don't bother comparing.

As I just posted elsewhere on a similar thread:

I thinks it's threads like these that encourage unhealthy comparing of ourselves. We are all individuals with different situations, different personalities, different strengths and weaknesses.
The good to be gained from imamother is great
However, there's a negative aspect of trying to live up to other people's standards and the flip side of being criticized by others.
IMHO This type of questioning does nothing positive .
Are you trying to find out the norm? Welcome to maturity - there is no such thing!
There are so many variables.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 8:22 pm

Maya wrote:

ITA. I am a SAHM with a live in. I've always had a decent amount of cleaning help, but never planned on a live in. Then in my most recent pregnancy, I ended up on bed rest, so we hired her, we figured till a few weeks after the baby. Then I had a c section, so recovery took longer. Then we decided, Bh we can afford it and it really takes off a lot of stress. Morning and evening rush are more smooth and enjoyable because I have an extra set of hands. I can make a nice hot breakfast instead of rushing everyone out the door with granola bars. I can prepare more wholesome dinners. I don't have to worry about helping other kids one handed while nursing a baby. Dh and I can have date night whenever and however often we'd like. I can go to appointments without the baby and I can schedule appointments without worrying about getting home before the bus. I'm considering going to work part time because I want to, and since I'd have the help either way, I don't need to worry about whether it's worth it. Is my life a lot easier because of the help? Absolutely. That hardly means I do nothing. I find plenty of worthwhile things to do and am able to attend to necessary things in a more relaxed manner. There's no chiyuv to do everything by yourself.

Notsobusy

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 8:28 pm

amother wrote:

You're right, all moms are superheroes.

It just bothers me when people assume that women who don't work all spend their days getting coffee and manicures, going to the gym and watching Netflix.

I'm tired of being asked what on earth I do all day

I have a sister in law who does not work, has daily help (I don't know for how many hours), her 5 kids ranging from 8 - 17 are all in school full day. She was complaining to me that by the time she comes home from the gym, takes a shower and davens, it's as if she's working full time. Thanks darling, I actually work full time.

I realize most women are not like that, but there definitely are women like that out there.