SAHM | Imamother

Notsobusy

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 8:42 am

amother wrote:

In a way the post was unfair because at the end of the day it was putting sahm WITH NO KIDS AT HOME AND HELP in an awkward position to acknowledge that for the most part their day is leisurely, relaxed, doing things like lunch, gym, and walking. Its something that people simply don't want to admit to for the most part.

See, I don't think that's unfair, and I don't think there's anything wrong about them having leisurely days. I'm so happy for people who don't have to work hard. I'd actually rather them say that their days are relaxed and they get to do the things they want, then listen to them pretend they work hard. Like my sil I spoke about earlier in this thread, she just told me that she can't possibly make Pesach, it's much too much work, so they're going to a hotel. I'm so happy for you that you're able to afford to do what you want, why do you have to make it sound like a hardship? And I do know that she's had other difficulties that I B"H have not had, so complain about those issues if you want. Don't complain about the good things.

naturalmom5

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 9:36 am

grace413 wrote:

Try the answers I used:

With one kids: I work in suicide prevention.

With 2 kids: I work in homicide prevention.

I always thought about saying "I sit on the couch and eat bon-bons all day" but I don't think I actually ever said it.

When I was in that position a friend told me to stare straight at these yentas smile and say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

I sit on the beach and watch the waves

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 10:05 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

When I was in that position a friend told me to stare straight at these yentas smile and say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

I sit on the beach and watch the waves

Why is it a rude question to ask a sahm with no kids at home how she spends her day? Its responses like the one you suggested above that enhance the stereotype that they do nothing. Even though the answer is obviously sarcastic, many people would interpret that you probably don't have a good answer and are using sarcasm to distract the question.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 10:57 am

Am I the only person who would feel unfulfilled to be a sahm with no kids at home? Not that I'd be bored - I could easily fill the day exercising, cooking, tidying my house, maybe I'd cut down on the cleaning help I have now - plus running errands. But I do see women whose kids have grown up and they've never worked (or even volunteered) and I'm not quite sure why but I'm scared of turning into them. Right now I work and study part time and still have a kid at home every day. I'm thinking ahead to the next stage of my life, studying for my B.A. and trying to work out what I want to do.

sky

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 11:32 am

Being on maternity leave with a newborn I was so much calmer when my kids came home from school.
I had time to clean for Pesach (spring cleaning) at my own pace rather then packing into short time periods between work and kids and filling entire Sundays.
I was able to shop for my kids, food or home with just a baby and not 5 helpers in tow.

I enjoyed it, even days when I just laid in bed with the baby for hours, and only thought about supper an hour before everyone came home.

It is possible for me to fit everything in my day with working and kids and Pesach and cooking (making fresh wholesome suppers isn't exclusive to the SAHM) and shopping and organizing and cleaning - and DH not home much. But it was much more pleasant and calmer when I didn't have to.

I think I would like being a SAHM regardless of who was home.

gold21

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 11:47 am

sky wrote:

For me, having a newborn is harder than working (many women work part time, not full time). I need my sleep to function well. Everyones different. Its interesting to hear different perspectives Tongue Out

amother

Teal

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 11:51 am

I love being a SAHM, even with no little ones at home. I worked when my kids were younger, and would come home completely exhausted. Ever since my husband's salary is b"h more than enough to support us, I live a more relaxed life, and am able to enjoy it.

I am by nature very frugal, and I don't like strangers in my house, so I do spend a lot of time shopping for bargains, cooking healthy meals and cleaning.

I did work very hard in school, but I never "loved" my job. It was important that I could support my family when my dh was in school, but I do not miss it for one second.

gold21

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 11:52 am

amother wrote:

What do u mean by "no kids home"? At one point I was home with the youngest child at the time in playgroup for a few hours a day, amd during those few hours I did grocery shopping, housework, etc. It was really irritating when people asked what I did all day, since by the time I got the kids off to school and tidied up and ran an errand, it was almost pickup time for the youngest. And when they came home it was pretty busy BH, as little kids tend to be.

Its not "all day" when u only have a few short hours to take care of everything before its time to pick up.

Maya

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 12:16 pm

amother wrote:

I have a degree and training in a field in which I volunteer now but am planning to work in in at a later time. I don't plan to sit around forever but I'm certainly enjoying it while I can.

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 12:38 pm

amother wrote:

It depends how you're asking. Do you genuinely want to know how she is doing and what she is up to or are you just looking for an excuse to feel more important than her?

The post was deleted but the question was something like "What do sahm with all kids in school and have help do all day besides go to the gym"? The post was sent out to over 1000 woman most of whom I'm sure the op didn't know. I thought the responses were much stranger than the question. They were like:

1. I have 2 babies under 3.
2. Why does EVERYONE think sahm are lazy.
3. I feel much more fulfilled now that I'm home all day.
4. I have 2 babies under 3.
5. Are you kidding? Between pta, cleaners, bank, supermarket, I don't have time for anything!
6. I watch netflixs in my pj's all day
7. I have 2 babies under 3.
8. Please don't tell me what to do with my life!
9. Oh, while we're going there, why don't you tell me what I'm allowed to eat?
10. I have 2 babies under 3.

So in the end nobody really answered the op's question. They were either sarcastic, had babies at home, or veered off topic.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 12:42 pm

I was thinking of posting something similar to sky but didn't want to sound judge-y. While my first 2 were born while I was in school and then residency, so my "maternity leave" was at best a week, my next 2 were born once I was already settled in my field and boy did I love and relish every day of those maternity leaves.
I think the only way for a SAHM with "only" one baby at home and the rest in school for a large chunk of the day (I think that really covers a lot of SAHMs from 30-45 yrs old. In the early years it's intense with babies coming closer together plus the adjustment to motherhood and even being married and running a house is still taking place. But a few years down the line, the babies tend to start coming further apart and the huge learning curve of becoming a Jewish mom has been mastered to a large degree) to GET why working moms think they have it easier is to go to work and then somehow get everything that takes all day done in so so so much less time. When SAHMs start talking about appointments and therapy and errands, the working moms think, "I do all that stuff too! With so much less time and more stress!"
Look, there is so much that goes into running a home and you do not need to justify how busy and stressful a typical SAHM's day will be, but to compare it to someone who works and also takes care of all those things for their family and say it's the same gets people riled up. I don't think that's a hard thing to understand.
I very much prefer the lovely posts about women who appreciate their free time and do meaningful things with it (mostly. being lazy sometimes is not a bad thing) and have hours to volunteer for so many worthy causes than the posts where women say they are as busy as a working mom because they spend the day grocery shopping and doing laundry and helping the kids with homework.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 12:51 pm

amother wrote:

I've posted about this before. My mother was always a SAHM. We are a small family and she was always home, even when we were in school. She did some volunteer work and PTA stuff and cared for my elderly grandparents (who didn't need much care until all kids were older).

Now we're all married for close to 10 years and living out of town, the grandparents have passed away, and she no longer volunteers. I work even though I don't have to (from home) so that I don't turn into her.

Don't get me wrong, she's wonderful and everything, but her life is empty. She fills it with endless shopping and pointless errands and lunch dates and then says how busy she is. But she's not. She has full-time cleaning help and nobody at home. She and my father go out for supper at least once a week.

She is overly involved in our lives and has effectively ruined her relationship with most of us due to her overbearingness, which is entirely due to her complete and utter boredom.

I feel sorry for her and work so that I don't become her. I love her dearly but I can't fathom a life like that and would never want to do to my kids what she does to us.

Just some perspective.

zigi

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 12:53 pm

it depends what the working mom's job is.
also why are other people more important that their own family. I help a special needs child every day. we work on speech how to deal with changes and social skills.
its my own son. why is it better if I went out to work and was a respite com hab?
I was at home for a shortish time without anyone. but it gave me the koach so I didn't have to hire an outside helper to deal with him.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 12:55 pm

amother wrote:

I saw the post, but I didn't even bother reading the responses. I don't think it's the kind of question you can ask a large group of women without sounding judgemental.

mummiedearest

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 12:55 pm

amother wrote:

no, there were some women who just answered the question and acknowledged the op's curiosity. yes, there were many defensive answers. those who answered that they have 2 under 3 were making sure to clarify the category, I guess. many of the responses were to other responses. this is a sensitive topic, and I thought the responses were representative of that.

Maya

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 12:58 pm

amother wrote:

There are more options than just either working or becoming overbearing and overly involved.