How much of it is my fault?

amother

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 11:20 am

I had my sisters daughter stay by me for a couple of days. My sister called me up now asking me if I gave her a secular book to read. I said no. She said that she found in her daughters room a book and I said yes, it’s from my house. Sure enough it’s missing. Just to put it into context, my sister doesn’t have ANY secular books and magazines or movies around. And I also don’t. I once got this book while on vacation and put it on my top shelf in the bookshelf and forgot about it.

Of course her daughter is at fault here for taking a something without permission.... my sister has to deal with it smartly....

My question is how guilt am I? If I would’ve remembered that the book is there I totally would’ve either trashed it or hidden it. Is it so bad that I had a book that is inappropriate for the teen and invited her??

I’m feeling really bad because even though it wasn’t a terrible book, it definitely gave her a lot of info that she probably didn’t know about.

imasinger

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 11:38 am

If I were in your shoes, I might say to my sister, "I'm sorry that book was there to tempt her, I had totally forgotten about it. Please let her know how important it is to ask before taking something that doesn't belong to her!"

In other words, the fault was hers, but if you feel bad that the temptation was available, it's nice to say that, too.

amother

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 11:51 am

Thank you. I’m not telling my sister how to deal with her daughter.
Personally my opinion would probably be that she knows she she did something wrong. She doesn’t need someone to tell her it was wrong. I would probably return the book..

Also I think that my niece is fishing for info because her mom is not openly talking to her about grown up things. I think she should sit down with her(without mentioning book) and tell her that it is very normal to wonder about things and to have questions. And she is there for her and feels comfortable to discuss anything with her.

But I’m not that smart and I don’t feel it’s my place to tell her how to deal with her child

zaq

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 12:08 pm

You are blameless. You have the right to possess anything you want. The book wasn’t on display and you didn’t give it to the kid. The kid went looking for it.

The kid is at fault twice: 1. She read something she knows her mother doesn’t allow and 2. She stole the book. Yes, she did. Call it “borrowed without permission” if you like, but unless and until she returns it to you, it’s stolen. And you know why she stole it? Because she knew that if she asked to borrow it, you’d refuse, knowing her mom doesn’t let her read secular literature.

You sister is just looking for someone to blame because she’d rather not think that her angel...isn’t.

amother

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 12:22 pm

zaq wrote:

Thanks. Makes me feel better
My sister completely didn’t blame me! She knows her daughter is at fault and I wondering how to deal with her.
I just felt like maybe I was supposed to make my house more “teenage friendly”.
I don’t have teens yet so wouldn’t know

southernbubby

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 12:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't think that you had to search every year inch of the house for the one "contraband" item. It wasn't exactly on the coffee table and must have been enough out of the way that you were not concerned about the reactions of other guests.

amother

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 2:50 pm

Amalia wrote:

I feel bad for the kid..

Me too. She’s such a good child. She just not satisfied with the information that she is getting. She’s very bright and she is going to find out whatever she needs to. I was like that as a kid too. It’s a pity she can’t get her answers in a healthy open way from a Torah source

amother

Ginger

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 3:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Are you sure you're not projecting?

amother

Ginger

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 4:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just felt like maybe I was supposed to make my house more “teenage friendly”.
I don’t have teens yet so wouldn’t know

Yes. If you have over babies don't leave knives around, if you have under adolescents don't leave inappropriate materials around, and if you have over adults don't leave unlabeled non kosher cookies in the cookie jar, whether or not they should ask before taking. It's not your fault if you weren't aware (aside from possibly possessing such materials, but you obviously feel that's ok), just like you wouldn't be blamed for not childproofing house if you've never had toddlers over, but for the future I'm sure you'll be more careful.

For everyone else that thinks it's the guests fault for picking up reading material without asking, be aware that guests generally don't ask permission before picking up a book to read. That's not a normal thing to expect someone to ask about. Once she started and was hooked, the ensuing progression of "borrowing" to finish up was predictable.

Everyone that is opposed to insular cultures and is closedminded about their openmindedness can now throw their tomatoes.

behappy2

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 5:04 pm

Was it in the dining room or your bedroom?

It is your responsibility to make your house teen friendly. I had my teen sister over and she found an inappropriate book in my bedroom when I apparently left the house. My mother wasn't pleased. I learned my lesson and all books not appropriate for teens are hidden in a closet in my room.

Hindsight is 20/20 vision.

amother

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 5:11 pm

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

I actually agree with you. Therefore I feel guilty. I’m also embarrassed from my sister. Maybe she won’t want her kids here anymore.
I don’t feel bad about owning the book. It was a novel and I’m an adult...
It wasn’t out on the dining room table but it also wasn’t hidden. It was in her bedroom in a top shelf...

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 5:32 pm

behappy2 wrote:

Your teen sister removing a book from your bedroom is completely inappropriate. You did nothing wrong IMO.

behappy2

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 7:09 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

Your teen sister removing a book from your bedroom is completely inappropriate. You did nothing wrong IMO.

Maybe. But it's very difficult for teens to control their curiosity. She didn't see anything wrong with going into my room.

You need to be smart. Not right.

behappy2

Sun, Dec 15 2019, 7:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I would apologize and tell her you will be more careful. You weren't thinking. You don't have teens and it was a forgotten book.