Mistake? | Imamother

amother

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:00 am

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

It's not a mistake that you told her. When were you planning to tell her?

I had it my mind to tell her and that's why I told her when the discussion came up. I'm happy to hear that's it age appropriate

Elfrida

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:02 am

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

I'm surprised that at 11 she hasn't figured it out herself and isn't discussing it in school.

She might have. This question could have been an attempt to start a conversation. OP, at what stage do your friends and family share this information? At what age did you find out yourself?

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:08 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I had it my mind to tell her and that's why I told her when the discussion came up. I'm happy to hear that's it age appropriate

OP at 11 many girls know (or even have) their periods already. 11 is beyond age appropriate. Talk to her about her body and what happens.

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:09 am

I think you did something great OP. Regardless of your community.
Be sure to also tell your DD that discussing this with friends is inappropriate. And that coming to you with any and all questions she has is appropriate, and you are available and welcome her questions.
Welcome to the journey of developing a great relationship with your DD. Pat yourself on the back!

For reference, my DD is a year older than yours, and attends Lakewood's largest yeshivish community school. She knows these things from me, and asks me questions (she can also talk to her big sisters). In her social circles, discussing these types of things with friends would be considered "socially off" and inappropriate, and she knows that.

amother

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:14 am

Elfrida wrote:

I know a four year old in a very chareidi house who was very upset that her mother had come home from the hospital with yet another boy. (Only girl with four brothers.) She announced that she was going to eat lot and lots and get very fat, and then she would have a baby. And she would make sure it was a girl!

It sounds a bit odd that an 11 year old wouldn't have put the two facts together. I don't think there is any harm in her knowing. She could be concerned about how the baby gets out, and a brief, age appropriate explanation might help. At eleven she is likely to start menstruating within the next year or so, so it might be an idea to start explaining that there is a separate part of her tummy where babies grow, and as she gets older her body starts getting ready to have a baby, etc. It might be easier in small chunks than all at once.

I actually already discussed with with her that she will be getting her period and told her that it's a sign that she healthy and that it will help having a baby when she gets married.

amother

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:17 am

Chayalle wrote:

Thanks for validating my concern. She knows that should discuss it only with me or my husband.

amother

White

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:27 am

Do you know what they call mothers who don't educate their daughters about the birds and the bees?

They call them grandmothers.

Don't think it won't happen, just because you are frum, and in a frum community. We had a 14 year old girl end up pregnant in our community (and the way she was treated drove her completely off the derech.) The poor girl was completely clueless, and wasn't sure how the baby got in there.

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:29 am

trixx wrote:

I don't get this, she never learned Parsha where Rivka had 2 babies in her stomach?

We never learnt this and neither did my girls. It's not standard to teach this in Chassidish schools and I wouldn't appreciate a teacher teaching this to my kids.

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:30 am

amother [ White ] wrote:

So the 14 year old that got pregnant new about relations but not about pregnancy and a baby is in the tummy? This is strange and I find it hard to believe, unless she was raped.

amother

Ivory

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:31 am

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

We never learnt this and neither did my girls. It's not standard to teach this in Chassidish schools and I wouldn't appreciate a teacher teaching this to my kids.

What the heck

They teach that to 1 year old here🤣🤣
If a mother called to complain they would laugh her out of the room

ExtraCredit

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:32 am

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

I think your mistake was not telling her earlier IMO. Even my 3 year old knows this.

OTOH when I told my very sheltered 17 yo brother I’m pregnant he pointed to my b00bs and asked me if I’m having twins Surprised

Your brother was definitely joking! (I hope) LOL

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:32 am

amother [ Ivory ] wrote:

What the heck

They teach that to 1 year old here🤣🤣
If a mother called to complain they would laugh her out of the room

Every community has different standards regarding this.

Elfrida

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:48 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I actually already discussed with with her that she will be getting her period and told her that it's a sign that she healthy and that it will help having a baby when she gets married.

Well then, its time to put the two together. The bleeding comes from the place in her tummy where the baby will grow after she is married. Doesn't need to be more than that.

LovesHashem

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:52 am

amother [ White ] wrote:

Sorry I'm from an open yeshivish backround and I don't think anyone I know had a birds and bees conversation with their parents. They learned from older siblings and friends. I would be mortified if my mom sat me down to have an awkward conversation. If you are sue your child won't find out from friends give them a book or something.

Teomima

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:54 am

An 11 year old should know this by now. She might get her period any day now, how have you/are you going to explain that to get without her having at least a rudimentary understanding of pregnancy?

amother

Blush

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 8:55 am

Elfrida wrote:

Well then, its time to put the two together. The bleeding comes from the place in her tummy where the baby will grow after she is married. Doesn't need to be more than that.

This is a good book to help with that.

https://www.amazon.com/Wonder-.....91862

Ema of 5

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 9:01 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

Midvar sheker tirchack means you should distance yourself from deception. There is no reason not to tell children the truth.

I agree that it was the right thing to do in THIS situation, but that is a very bold statement to make. Midvar Sheker tirchak doesn’t mean open a dialogue about every single topic. It means when IN a situation, be careful to tell the truth.

Ema of 5

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 9:05 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I actually already discussed with with her that she will be getting her period and told her that it's a sign that she healthy and that it will help having a baby when she gets married.

Just curious....until now, where did she think the baby was?